Writing Challenge

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 19

Posted on by erranteditor

The sun is out. The sun is out and I am outside writing while the boyfriend studies for his exam. I am in a dress. My legs are exposed and getting some much needed colour. I’ve taken the last few days off of really doing anything work related, partly because I am lazy, and partly because I am tired and needed the break. Eventually I will get along to doing some work, but for right now, I think that enjoying the sunshine is the most important thing I could be doing for my health.

And this. This bit of writing is good for me. If nothing else, I can say that I did do some writing today. This week the challenge is fun. It is dedicated to a dream that I just can’t give up on. I have a few dreams that I am not ready to give up on, and seeing how I am only 29, I still have loads of time to make them happen.

The first one is making a living traveling. I would love to b paid to write and travel. I cannot think of a better way to spend my days than going on adventures in new places, meeting new people and experiencing the world. I was having a chat on the bus ride home last night with one of the assistant managers of the tutoring centre. We got to talking about traveling and why we want to see the world, and it turns out we both really just like to learn as much as we can about the world by actually being a part of it and interacting with it. It is nice to meet people like this. One of the things I struggled with the most when I first returned to the States three years ago was that people did not really understand my need for adventure and my love of living overseas. Some people that I had been friends with for years just couldn’t understand why I wanted a life outside our little city. It was tough. I struggled a lot with my identity, and the expectations I thought I had to live up to by returning. Through therapy I was able to come to terms with my janky thinking, and really love this adventurous part of me. Now I can’t wait to ride an elephant in Bali, spit off the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and swim in the crystal clear water of the Maldives. I have this incredible thirst to go everywhere and see as much as I can, and I don’t see that dream dying anytime soon.

The other dream that I am not going to give up on is starting a literacy foundation that helps kids all over the world to read. I already know what I would call it (thanks Soon-Ah), and I know that Reading with Rover would be a thing (because seriously, who doesn’t want to read with a dog?). I have a degree to finish, and some student loan debt to pay off, but once I manage that, then I am seriously going to figure out what it would take to start helping kids love books as much as I do.

In other exciting news, I officially get to cross another thing off my list. Today marks the 3 month point of making my bed every day. It is a habit now, and not just something I am doing to cross off the list. I am hoping that because I was able to make this a habit, that things like a solid exercise  routine will now be easier to manage.

Here’s to hoping.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge:Week 18

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The weather forecast for the weekend promises warm weather for the weekend.

Well, 53 degrees, which is warm for Scotland. I am working all day Saturday, but you can bet your butt that I will be spending a part of my Sunday outside enjoying the warm weather. I might even wear leggings that end just below the knee (although that might scare people, so I may have to reconsider that option).

I’ve been in a serious funk for the last few weeks, and today I finally get to see the therapist and get back to feeling better. That makes this week’s writing challenge all the more fun. Week 18 is dedicated to something that I like I about myself. While I tempted to say I like my sarcasm and call it a day, there is actually a lot I like about myself.

I think the one trait or feature that I like most about myself is my self-awareness. It took a lot of therapy, and a long time to develop, but now that it is a part of me, I am grateful for it. While I do not always focus on the things that I know, and deal with the problems or the issues that I recognize in a timely manner, I am glad that I can at least spot them. I made the mistake of letting my depression go unchecked here for almost a year, and while I pretended it wasn’t that bad, in the back of my mind I knew that it was something that I needed to take care of.

I would have to say that another thing that I like about myself is that no matter how bad I get, how negative, how sick, or how sad, I seemed to have found a way to make some really strong connections with people. I have some really amazing friends and family that make me own my shit, that sit with me when I cry, and tell me that I don’t have to do anything by myself. My mom is helping me pay for therapy (seriously, my one complaint with health insurance is that it is hard to get mental health covered, and see a doc is expensive), my sister sends me baby pictures and videos everyday, and I get Skype dates as often as I can. I know that says more about them than it does about me, but I like that I was able to make those connections, and that there is something about me that keeps those people from throwing in the towel when I get to be a pain in the ass.

I guess I’m not so bad after all.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 17

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I know that it is technically the start of week 18, but I got a little lazy with the schedule, so I am catching up today.

Today when I spent a good portion of the day on my feet, feeling tired and resentful. I’ve been working with a girl who thinks she is the queen of the tutoring centre, and today she complained that her throat felt sore and she shouldn’t have to manage a group of kids. There were two other people in the centre: me, who has been dead on her feet for the past week, and another woman. Now, this woman just came back after suffering a devastating loss, a loss that she cannot tell anyone about…a loss that would have flattened me. She did not complain about being in the centre, did not complain about the work that we needed to do, and volunteered to work a zone and be with the kids. I took the kiddos so she didn’t have to, but she was more than willing. This was the second shift in a row that the first girl passed the work to everyone before even thinking of doing anything.

Off topic, but it made me really cranky, and much as I am trying to make myself better, as much as I am trying to break old habits, when I am cranky, I revert right back to the negative mindset I am most comfortable in.

Maybe a focus on this will help me. The task for week 17 is to write a letter to my teenage self. So here goes:

Dear Teenage Kim,

Believe it or not, you did not have a heart attack in your your teenage years. You actually make it to adulthood. For the most part you make pretty good life choices, but there a few things that you should know:

  1. Stop worrying about every little thing. The world is not going to end if you fail a class, or a test (in fact, you do that later in life, and nothing bad happens to you), and no one is going to think less of you.
  2. Take swimming seriously. You are going to slack off, but that is such a bad idea. You were in good shape, you weren’t horrible, and it is way better than trying to be a runner.
  3. The people you are friends with now, the ones you think you’ll be friends with forever, will not be your friends in ten years. If you really want to keep some of them, you are going to have to work really hard and be prepared to be disappointed, a lot.
  4. In fact, you are going to feel disappointed in people a lot, sometimes in the ones that matter the most, but mostly in the ones who don’t live up to your expectations.
  5. Also, you are going to have drop those expectations. No one, and very few things ever meet them. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you let that shit go.
  6. Go to therapy. You don’t go until almost a decade later, and trust me, you wasted a lot of time being depressed.
  7. Don’t worry about your virgin status. It will be worth it to wait, and even though you will make some bad choices, you don’t get pregnant, you aren’t gossip for anyone, and you’ve never had an STD. A lot of your friends cannot say the same.
  8. Don’t ignore your wanderlust. You turn down a year of studying abroad, a year of teaching English in another country because you are afraid that people will forget you, afraid of what will happen if you leave, but trust me, when you are travelling, you are alive and happy.
  9. You’ll be 26 before you are comfortable with yourself. It is a really long learning process, but take it as it comes
  10. You age like a fine wine. You are way better looking now that you wear more than jeans and a hoodie. Guys tell you that you are hot. They walk through restaurants in Spain to check you out. It is fun. Enjoy it.
  11. You will get hurt a lot when you are out of your teens. A lot. Devastatingly painful hurt that you are completely unprepared for. I can tell you that there are days you don’t get out of bed and you have no idea how you are going to keep going, but you do keep going, and in the end, that is all that matters.
  12. You eventually figure out how to let people past the snark and sarcasm. This leads to you crying. A lot. You also become a really ugly crier, so make sure that you bring tissues with you to meetings or other situations that you think might make you cry. Seriously. The amount of snot you produce is insane.
  13. Skip school once in awhile. No one will care that you never missed a day of school when you are 29.

Bad things are going to happen to you. Bad things that came from choices that you made as a teen. I wish I could tell you to make different choices, save you from the hurt. But it wouldn’t be right. You will learn a lot from some of that hurt, and it will lead you to some really good people and some really great experiences. When you are 25 you will make the best decision of your life. At 28, you will do it again. Trust those. Those choices will make you happier than anything else you’ve ever done (including flying…yes, you get to fly, and then you almost puke in front of a really cute guy….not you at your best) and even on the bad days (and there will be a lot of those, sorry), you will be happy, and genuine and be surrounded by people that understand you, people that actually like you for your weirdness and  your wanderlust, and that, teenage Kim, makes everything you will do from then to me worth it.

With sass and snark,

29 year old Kim

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 16

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I’m sitting in a window box.

I’m sitting in a window box of my friend’s house feeling sorry for myself.

My depression has gotten really bad. Really bad. It happens, and when it does, all I want is to be loved on. Instead, I got sent home from work because I was really pale and it is clear I have not been taking care of myself, and I’m pretty sure my relationship just ended.

So the challenge for the week is to write about the best part of my week.

I’m coming up short on this one. I undertook this challenge to follow up with the gratitude challenge that I did last year to help me remind myself that even though things were going wrong in the grad program, there was a lot around me in my life that was going well.

So, on this Friday as I sit in the window box wallowing in my depression, I guess the best part of my week was last night.

I met a cat named Loki last night. He was really friendly. I’m not sure how he got into the building, but he met me when I walked in. I’m a sucker, and I was sad, so I sat down to pet him. He rubbed on me and purred, and when it was clear no one was looking for him in the building, I let him follow me up the three flights of stairs and into my place. He spent about 10 minutes wandering around my place checking things out and occasionally coming back to me to rub and purr. I would have let him stay the night, but he had collar with an address, so I took him back downstairs and let him out back into the world.

I guess in the grand scheme of things my life is not that bad. I am living in Scotland, which is pretty fucking awesome. I have a job, my PhD is progressing nicely, and even though the depression is getting the better of me right now, my health is okay.

I just wish I could rewind to the beginning of March when I was in California soaking up the sun, hanging out with my muffin, and not surrounded by my never ending cycle of negative thoughts.

Now I would love to fast forward two year to when I am getting my degree and can figure out my next move.

Beach bum. That is still a viable career option right?

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 15

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Week 15 is dedicated to my favourite topic: Things that make me laugh. I think everyone who knows me well knows that it is fairly easy to make me laugh. Well timed jokes, locking the car door as someone tries to open it, cat videos….all of these things make me laugh.

And if ever someone needed a laugh right now, it is me.

This week the one thing that has really been making me laugh is inappropriate workplace conversations. The department that I am based out of just recently hired a new research assistant, and while trying to get to know him, we were all talking about ourselves and a little bit of our background. In the course of that conversation, it came up that when I got hired on, the rest of the team who is close to my age Googled me to see what they could learn about me.

Fun fact: if you Google me, the first thing that comes up is a porn illustrator.

Yep. You read that correctly: A PORN ILLUSTRATOR!  The office wondered if my supervisor had lost his marbles, and at one point I got an email from the admin assistant asking me if I liked to draw. I of course had no idea why she would ask me such a thing, and it wasn’t until I had been in the post for several months that they filled me about what happens when you Google my name. I decided to share that story with the new guy….he wasn’t impressed. Everyone in the office had a good chuckle though. I like to think that it lightened the mood.

Professionally, things have been picking up with my data collection. I was really afraid that sending out an online survey would not net me any responses, but I have been pleasantly surprised  about the response rate in the last three days. I may have just figured out this whole PhD student thing.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 14

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Today I taught myself how to sew. Turns out, it really isn’t that hard.

Well, threading the needle was a bit of a challenge, but once I got my hands working properly, and all the knots in place, it was not the scary undertaking I thought it would be. half an hour and three buttons later, my jacket is wearable again.

I am counting today as a success.

The challenge for the week is to discuss something in my life that is stressful. It might as well have been a challenge for me to write about something that is not stressing me out. I’m so good with stress, that most of the time I don’t even realize that I am stressed. To be honest, the one thing that is stressing me out the most right now is my mental health. I’m not managing it well right now, and because of that, I am worried about everything from my relationship, my friendships, and my work. While I’ve been working with my depression for awhile, lately I have been having a hard time making the good stretches last.

This stresses me out because I know that I have a problem, but I can’t seem to come out on top of it. People are always telling me that happiness is a choice, and that I can wake up everyday and choose to be happy. Unfortunately for me, it just doesn’t work that way. I know that I have a good life, I know that ‘on paper’ I have no reason to be depressed, but I am all the same. What stresses me out is the never-ending cycle. I know what I need to do to be healthy, I know what I should avoid doing and saying, but lately, I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like I am writing about the dark and twisty every week, and feel like when I get a handle on it, I then fall back into my negative thoughts.

If I could put half the energy into my work that I do to the dark and twisty, I would have an amazing paper right now.

On the plus side, I have started my adventure to cross another thing off my list of 30 things to do before I turn 30. I have found a series of yoga classes that will help me with scorpion pose. I really wish that I had picked an easier pose. My neck and back hate me right now. I’m glad that I have a whole lot of time between now and my 30th birthday.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 13

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“We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced.”
― Malala Yousafzai, I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban

Week 13 of the year is dedicated to someone I admire. While there are many people that I admire, I’m choosing to focus this moment on Malala Yousafzai. While procrastinating on my conference presentation, I came across the documentary He Named Me Malala. In 2009, at 12 years old, she wrote a blog for the BBC detailing her life under Taliban rule. When the world took notice of yet another injustice that of this region, Malala rose in fame by giving interviews and becoming the face and the voice for women in the region would wanted education. In 2012 she was shot three times while on the bus to school. Even while in the hospital recovering, she continued to speak out for women, and continued to speak out for the importance of education. In 2014 she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and continues to build, and sometimes rebuild, schools for women, refugees, and those in a war-torn region.

“I don’t want to be thought of as the “girl who was shot by the Taliban” but the “girl who fought for education.” This is the cause to which I want to devote my life.”
― Malala Yousafzai

I admire her courage and dedication. At 18 years old she has done more for the world than most people hope to do in a lifetime. She has faced death, doubters, and incredible adversary to continue to push for a cause that she believes in.

I only wish I could be half as courageous and make a fraction of a difference in the filed of education. When I had my chance to stand up for what I believed in two years ago, I caved, and let it break me. I had the chance to pursue the matter, and to let the university know what was going on in the programme, but instead, I chose to just bury it and get out of the United States as fast as I could. I’m still terrified that somehow that programme will catch up with me and it will hurt the work that I am doing in the UK (stupid I know, but I sometimes worry that the sins of my past will catch up to me).

And now that I have watched a young woman who did not let being shot in the face stop her from defending what she believes in, then I should not let a momentary blip in my educational journey stop me from pursing avenues that I think will improve the learning potential for students in higher education. The two things can hardly be compared, and I admire the way she treated it as nothing more than a reason to continue trying to make the world a better place for women.

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 12

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The single most depressing thing to my new found sense of Britishness is a bad cup of tea. I have become quite the connoisseur of tea in the last 8 months, and while I was in California I picked up a box of hibiscus passion tea that sounded amazing.

It isn’t.

It will taste great as iced tea, but as a hot drink, it leaves a strange aftertaste and smells a bit odd…of course, I have been sick for two weeks, and am currently producing more snot than should be humanly possible, so that could very well be the problem.

On to more important things. I’m supposed to be working on a script for a presentation I am giving on April 6th. I’m doing a pecha-kucha (my supervisor called it a Manchu Pichu, and someone else said bless you after I mentioned it). That means I have 20 slides and 20 seconds a slide to get my point across. I got the presentation done, but trying to say more than ten words in 20 seconds is proving to be a challenge.

I am not known for my brevity.

This quandary I find myself in speaks perfectly to the writing challenge for this week. The goal for this week is to think of one word that describes my life right now and one word that I wish described my life.

Let’s start with my current word: Stressful

Much the way trying to say everything I need to in 20 seconds is driving me bonkers, the state of my life right now has me feeling like one big ball of stress and snippyness. In addition to trying to get this presentation done, I am having to beat feet to collect the rest of my data for this year, and write the first draft of a paper I am trying to get published all before the end of April. Part of this was my fault for not getting the data collection done before I left for California, and for not working on my paper while I was there, but part of it is just the nature of being an academic. Couple that with the project being done at the university, and my work at the tutoring center, I am feeling a bit like my life is just a blur of diary appointments right now. I’ve been back for almost two weeks and I cannot even tell you what I had for dinner last night (wait, the dishes are still in the sink….I had pasta with garlic and herbs. Guess I need to add clean my flat to the list of things that needs to get done).

The word that I wished described my life right now? Adventurous

Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of adventure that comes with being an expat and living in Scotland. There is a certain amount of adventure to my life no matter where I am living, but right now, the only thing that I want to be doing is traveling. I have been spending an awful lot of time planning trips to different places. I made the list of 30 things I want to do before I am 30, and visiting three new countries is on the list. I’ve been looking into a trip to Paris in November, and a trip to Malta in September. That trip to Malta is giving me so many problems. I am having a really hard time coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t book it right now. I don’t want to feel stressed. I want to wear cute sundresses and sandals. I want to wear a bikini and get a tan. I want to see sunshine.

I don’t want to feel antsy and uncertain. I don’t want to take hours to get something written because I am so afraid that it is going to suck or that people are going to hate it, or I am going to let my supervisors down because my writing isn’t strong enough.

But first, I am going to take a nap. Naps solve everything, even a bad cup of tea.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 10 and 11

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I’m home. I’m very happy about it. I loved every second of my time in the States, but I feel like the best version of me when I am in Edinburgh, so it feels really really really good to be home. I can’t believe it will be 365 days before I see most of my family again, but I cannot wait to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my nephew’s 1st birthday. That will be worth all the little things I miss being so far away from him. I’ve managed to miss a week of the writing challenge since I spent the end of my trip in Texas, where writing was not my top priority.

Week 10 is dedicated to my favourite quote. That is an easy one.

“Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life – and travel – leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks – on your body or on your heart – are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.”
― Anthony Bourdain, The Nasty Bits: Collected Varietal Cuts, Usable Trim, Scraps, and Bones

I live my life punctuated by the trips that I get to take. It took me ten years to be comfortable with my wanderlust ways, and once I did, life became infinitely better for me. I take in all of the things I learn when I am traveling (or when I’ve moved to a new place) and let it become a part of me. Some of those things hurt, and they hurt a lot, but more often than not, what I take away from my wanderlust ways is beautiful. Even though I have just come back from the States, I am already itching to plan my next trip….I’m thinking Norway, or Paris, or Malta…or all of the above. Someone is going to have to monitor my credit card.

Week 11 is dedicated to something that I think is holding me back.

This one is a little bit harder to nail down. I think my fear of what others think holds me back a lot. I still have some unresolved PTSD and crazy abandonment issues, and until I really sort through those, I think I am very hesitant to make certain choices in my life. My writing is stalled, conferences and travel options aren’t always taken, and I spend a lot of time trying to please others. With the PhD, and a lot of exciting opportunities coming my way, the fear that holds me back could really hurt my timeline. I need to really learn to stop thinking about what others think and start making choices that are best for me. I did it once when I packed up and moved back to Scotland, but I’m not sure I can keep that trend going.

Although I have been 29 for 10 days, I have yet to make my list of 30 things I would like to do before I am 30. I’m stilling working on that, but I promise it will be done soon so I can start ticking things off of it. I think the first one might be to go back to therapy and work on some of my obvious issues.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 8 and 9

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I’m currently sitting in my sister and brother-in-law’s living room in California. It is warm. I’m in shorts and a tank top. I have a belly full of Mexican food.

I am now an aunt.

Since I am a bit behind on the writing challenge, I thought now would be the perfect time to catch up. Week 8 is dedicated to a person that I love.

Let me tell you about the new love of my life Brandon Davis Rodriguez. He made his debut on the 26th of February at 2:22pm. He was 7 lbs 7 oz, and absolutely perfect. He held my hand, and I am pretty sure I melted into a puddle of goo.

He is perfect. He looks like his daddy. Because he decided to cook an extra five days, he was born with some fluid in his lungs, so he is being monitored by the NICU just to make sure he didn’t contract an infection. I haven’t gotten to hold him yet, but him holding my hand for a bit is enough to get me through the 17 hours I waited for labour to work it’s magic, and for all the work that I have put off doing for the last week while I have been in California. I wish that I had more time to spend in California to be with him, but for now, I am going to wrap that baby up in a moby and carry him everywhere with me.

Ughhh. I’m hopelessly in love with this little Branmuffin.

Week 9 is dedicated to something that I would like to learn.

There are a lot of things that I would like to learn. I want to learn how to get past my PTSD. I want to learn how to be a master of SPSS and knock my data analysis out of the park. I want to learn how to be a good partner in romantic relationships, and a less selfish person in friendships. I want to learn how to speak Spanish fluently, and be able to use it in conversation comfortably.

Most importantly, I want to be able to really get a handle on my depression and stop feeling like I live day to day not knowing when or if I am going to fall into a funk. People keep telling me that happiness is a choice, that I can just wake up every morning and choose not to be miserable. I wish it was that simple. I mean, duh, if I had the choice, I would much rather wake up happy and carefree. I like getting out of bed, being productive and enjoying life. I hate that not everyone understands the seriousness of my depression. The one thing I do know is that while I cannot necessarily erase my depression, I can learn how to keep the dark and twisty at bay, and learn to find more joy in the everyday. Therapy will be a big part in that, and daily photo updates of the new love of my life will also help. Once I get a handle on this nonsense, you can best believe I am going to tackle the rest of my list.

On the plus side, since I have been in California I have not felt the least bit out of place, the least bit lost, or the least bit upset. I’ve slept better than I have in months, am getting plenty of family time, and am avoiding people and things that might make me feel bad. I’ve also taken the last week off from anything academic related, so I am feeling pretty relaxed. I like the feeling of being here on vacation, but still feeling like I am part of the day to day happenings with my family. This trip definitely came at the perfect time, and will make me feel really really good when I get back to Scotland and can start kicking ass on my research and data collection.