I know that have officially gone crazy when the first words out of my mouth when I heard that it was 36 degrees was “Oh it’s warm today!” The walk to the library was actually not completely unpleasant and not all of the puddles I passed were frozen. I’d like to think that this means I have adjusted to this climate, but when the wind blows next time I am out, or it snows more than just little flurries, I know that I will be singing a new tune. Today, there is sunshine. I like sunshine. I miss sunshine. I enjoy that the climate seems to be smiling on me today and allowing me a little bit of sunshine with the chilling cold. I feel that I have a good chance of making it until April without completely hating life, and that thought puts a little spring in my step.
The weather is not the only climate I am having fun getting back into. I have very much enjoyed getting back into the academic mindset. I was able to get a paper done in six hours that I had barely looked at in six weeks at home, and I actually completed reading for class next week. I had some fun tasks to deal with thanks to the robbery, and I was able to pay all the fines and make a woman feel incredibly guilty without having a complete mental breakdown (side note: When helping a patron with a large fine to pay, the appropriate statement is, “How can I help you take care of this?”, not, “Well, you better have a good story for this one!” It is also not nice to smile when I tell you I’ve been robbed, and then ask me how I would like to pay for it). I did not cry once (although I will when I see my credit card bill, and when I have to ask my mom for money in a few months). I have been to all of my new classes, and I have to say that I already enjoy them….even the class that will be solely based on statistics. Classes end at the end of March, and I have a feeling that I will wake up tomorrow and it will be the end of March. I’m both saddened and excited by that idea.
There is one climate here that I am not adjusting to very well. I’m having a hard time with the long distance part of the long distance relationship. I am this close to ruining the whole thing.I’m really good at that. Ruining things that were working out in some version of okay. I did that to the only other serious relationship I have ever been in, and although the relationships are different, and I am different, I can’t help but notice a pattern emerging. I am stuck on a family tradition that I think is important. I’m worried about losing it for the next 70 years, and instead of focusing on what I have to do today, I am focused on what will happen inthose 70 years. Instead of just being the bright shiny flower I always am, I am being a right proper shit and insisting that I get some sort of resolution to a problem that I created. I want to see tangible evidence of something that probably won’t exist, and instead of just being in the moment and enjoying the fact that right now we are in some form of love, I am opening my mouth as wide as it will go and sticking as many feet as I can find in it. I have no idea how the next few days will play out, I know how I want it to, but it takes two to be in a relationship and only one to walk away.
I do know that I am not walking away.
I will now shlep myself to the library so that I can start a paper that I should have started six weeks ago. Really that means I am going to go to the 5th floor and stare out the window of my favorite view of the city.