Wednesday is my last official class of my program here at the University of Edinburgh. I can’t believe it. A year ago I made this blog public so that my world could be part of my adventure. Now this adventure is coming to an end. It hasn’t always been glamorous, but it has taught me a lot about myself. This adventure has showed me that I can handle being on my own, and I can survive pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I will always be grateful that I was able to do this.
School is not the only thing that came to an end this week. My relationship with the boy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with also ended. I suppose I was the only one who didn’t see this coming. I have been driving myself crazy trying to fight for him and trying to fight for our future. He let me do this, let me blame myself and think I was alone in this. Turns out he has been dating someone since my birthday and slept with her because he was mad at me. He didn’t want this to be put into the blog, didn’t want this part of the adventure to made public, but it sickens me how hard I fought when he had already given up. Even after he told me he said he loved me and saw a future with me and wanted to make things work. The thing that makes me sick to my stomach is that I considered it. I thought we could work it out and work toward a future together. I spent the last year building and planning with him in mind. I let him become my happiness and I let him make me think that I don’t deserve better. I feel so stupid for falling in love with someone like this. I feel so stupid for thinking that he was going to be part of my future. I know that I will never get an apology and people around him will continue to think he is a great guy, but I wanted people to know the truth. Part of sharing my adventure is sharing the messy bits.
Now I have three assignments and a schedule for my dissertation to settle before I can come home and really start to heal. I have no idea what my future holds now, but now I get to figure it out what will make me happy.