The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 12

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The single most depressing thing to my new found sense of Britishness is a bad cup of tea. I have become quite the connoisseur of tea in the last 8 months, and while I was in California I picked up a box of hibiscus passion tea that sounded amazing.

It isn’t.

It will taste great as iced tea, but as a hot drink, it leaves a strange aftertaste and smells a bit odd…of course, I have been sick for two weeks, and am currently producing more snot than should be humanly possible, so that could very well be the problem.

On to more important things. I’m supposed to be working on a script for a presentation I am giving on April 6th. I’m doing a pecha-kucha (my supervisor called it a Manchu Pichu, and someone else said bless you after I mentioned it). That means I have 20 slides and 20 seconds a slide to get my point across. I got the presentation done, but trying to say more than ten words in 20 seconds is proving to be a challenge.

I am not known for my brevity.

This quandary I find myself in speaks perfectly to the writing challenge for this week. The goal for this week is to think of one word that describes my life right now and one word that I wish described my life.

Let’s start with my current word: Stressful

Much the way trying to say everything I need to in 20 seconds is driving me bonkers, the state of my life right now has me feeling like one big ball of stress and snippyness. In addition to trying to get this presentation done, I am having to beat feet to collect the rest of my data for this year, and write the first draft of a paper I am trying to get published all before the end of April. Part of this was my fault for not getting the data collection done before I left for California, and for not working on my paper while I was there, but part of it is just the nature of being an academic. Couple that with the project being done at the university, and my work at the tutoring center, I am feeling a bit like my life is just a blur of diary appointments right now. I’ve been back for almost two weeks and I cannot even tell you what I had for dinner last night (wait, the dishes are still in the sink….I had pasta with garlic and herbs. Guess I need to add clean my flat to the list of things that needs to get done).

The word that I wished described my life right now? Adventurous

Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of adventure that comes with being an expat and living in Scotland. There is a certain amount of adventure to my life no matter where I am living, but right now, the only thing that I want to be doing is traveling. I have been spending an awful lot of time planning trips to different places. I made the list of 30 things I want to do before I am 30, and visiting three new countries is on the list. I’ve been looking into a trip to Paris in November, and a trip to Malta in September. That trip to Malta is giving me so many problems. I am having a really hard time coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t book it right now. I don’t want to feel stressed. I want to wear cute sundresses and sandals. I want to wear a bikini and get a tan. I want to see sunshine.

I don’t want to feel antsy and uncertain. I don’t want to take hours to get something written because I am so afraid that it is going to suck or that people are going to hate it, or I am going to let my supervisors down because my writing isn’t strong enough.

But first, I am going to take a nap. Naps solve everything, even a bad cup of tea.

The Scamp’s 30 Before 30

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I have been 29 for two weeks now, and am just now getting around to posting my list of 30 things I would like to do before I turn 30. Part of it is because I am sick right now and leaking so much snot that it is hard for me to focus on anything, and part of it is that I am trying to play catch-up with work after my three week break in California. I made a massive error and waited too long to schedule some of my data collection. My supervisors have told me that I have to be pushy and get what I can, and they have added a due date for the draft of the first chapter of my thesis. I am trying really hard not to stress, but I have a feeling that I am about to be a basket case.

I wish I had not given up eating chocolate.

The list is a good mini distraction from all of the work that needs to be done this week.

So, in no particular order, here are the 30 things I would like to do before I turn 30:

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

I have 349 days to make this happen. I’m excited because on the 6th of April and the 30th of June I will be able to cross number 2 off the list, and I am two weeks into number ten. I’m not holding out much hope for number 20, but hey, stranger things have happened.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 10 and 11

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I’m home. I’m very happy about it. I loved every second of my time in the States, but I feel like the best version of me when I am in Edinburgh, so it feels really really really good to be home. I can’t believe it will be 365 days before I see most of my family again, but I cannot wait to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my nephew’s 1st birthday. That will be worth all the little things I miss being so far away from him. I’ve managed to miss a week of the writing challenge since I spent the end of my trip in Texas, where writing was not my top priority.

Week 10 is dedicated to my favourite quote. That is an easy one.

“Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life – and travel – leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks – on your body or on your heart – are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.”
― Anthony Bourdain, The Nasty Bits: Collected Varietal Cuts, Usable Trim, Scraps, and Bones

I live my life punctuated by the trips that I get to take. It took me ten years to be comfortable with my wanderlust ways, and once I did, life became infinitely better for me. I take in all of the things I learn when I am traveling (or when I’ve moved to a new place) and let it become a part of me. Some of those things hurt, and they hurt a lot, but more often than not, what I take away from my wanderlust ways is beautiful. Even though I have just come back from the States, I am already itching to plan my next trip….I’m thinking Norway, or Paris, or Malta…or all of the above. Someone is going to have to monitor my credit card.

Week 11 is dedicated to something that I think is holding me back.

This one is a little bit harder to nail down. I think my fear of what others think holds me back a lot. I still have some unresolved PTSD and crazy abandonment issues, and until I really sort through those, I think I am very hesitant to make certain choices in my life. My writing is stalled, conferences and travel options aren’t always taken, and I spend a lot of time trying to please others. With the PhD, and a lot of exciting opportunities coming my way, the fear that holds me back could really hurt my timeline. I need to really learn to stop thinking about what others think and start making choices that are best for me. I did it once when I packed up and moved back to Scotland, but I’m not sure I can keep that trend going.

Although I have been 29 for 10 days, I have yet to make my list of 30 things I would like to do before I am 30. I’m stilling working on that, but I promise it will be done soon so I can start ticking things off of it. I think the first one might be to go back to therapy and work on some of my obvious issues.

The Scamp Writes a Letter

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Letter to the Spoiled Bulkhead Brat:

I realize now that you think you are the only one on a crowded flight. I understand that because you are sitting at the bulkhead, there is no one sitting in front of you. I completely understand that because no one is in front of you you forget that there are in fact people sitting behind you. See, what you don’t seem to understand is that the people behind you do not want to have to spend nine hours with you reclined in their lap, or have to refuse dinner because they do not have enough room to get the tray table down. While it is not your fault that British Airways cares more about making money than the comfort of their economy customers, ignoring my request to get out of my lap, and acting like you are the only person who wants to comfortable is something that you can control.

You see, I would love to be comfortable. People with Lupus often have a hard time flying because of all the swelling that goes on. It often makes sitting very uncomfortable. I would love to be able to stretch out and recline, but unlike you, my mother taught me that I am not the center of the universe, and that in situations like a nine hour flight, you have to be considerate of those around you.

I’m ashamed to admit that although my mother taught me manners and the art of basic human courtesy, and my seat has remained in the fully upright position for the comfort of the woman behind me, I have spent the better part of the last 5 hours with my knees pressed into the back of your seat to keep you from being able to recline. I’ve pushed extra hard on the screen to watch movies, shift and readjusted my knees every 20 minutes, and generally tried to make you life miserable. I’ve made passive aggressive comments while standing in front of you waiting for the toilet. After ignoring my request, you have called the stewardess to ‘mediate’ the situation. When she asked me if I was okay with you reclining, I practically shouted “Fuck no! I didn’t pay to have her in my lap” because I knew that you would hear, and so would the people around us.

I’m sorry. Not to you. You can suck my metaphorical dick….in fact, I hope you choke on it. No, I am apologizing to my mother who not only raised me better, but would be ashamed of the way I acted. I’m a 29 year old adult, not a 10 year old child. With two hours left in the flight, and no sleep or comfort in sight, I am going to try and be considerate of those around me and keep my knees to myself.

Yours with eternal scorn and hate fire,

The girl in 27H

The Scamp’s Last Day of Her 28th Year

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Tomorrow (Well, today in Scotland and Australia) I turn 29. The last year of my 20s. The year before I become a real adult. The year I finally get my shit together.

This time last year I had just found out that I had been awarded the position in Scotland, I was getting ready to jump out of an airplane, and I was finally starting to see some hope for my future. Let’s face it, 27 was a really shitty year. The upside of hitting rock bottom though is that you have nowhere to go but up.

28 was a pretty darn good year. I jumped out of a plane, I moved back home to Scotland, started my PhD, reconnected with some of my best friends, made some pretty incredible new friends, and spent more of the year than not really loving life. I got to visit Spain and Portugal, went to England, and got to return to Ireland. I laughed more than I cried, cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner, and finally moved into my own place after two years of living with my parents. I learned the delicate art of negotiating bus timetables, worked on improving my Spanish, and pushed forward as an academic.

Today I started the day with waffles and puppy love by the beach. I got to snark with truly one of the greatest women I know, and the walk along the beach was just long enough for my face to get sunburned. I then spent the rest of the day with my nephew. He’s perfect. I cannot gush enough about this little guy. He let me feed him without a fuss, he slept solidly for a few hours and let his parents get some sleep, and he went for a walk in the sunshine without much of a complaint. I left them before the next feeding and enjoyed a big piece of chocolate birthday cake (I am an adult after all).

I’m looking forward to all of the things that 29 has to offer. I’ve decided that I would like to do 30 new things before I turn 30. I want to make sure that I stay out of the dark and twisty as much as possible. I want to make great strides with my PhD. I want to be a better friend, and a better girlfriend. I want to see some more of the world. Luckily I have 365 days to make these things happen.

 

 

The Scamp and the 28th of February

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February 28th is fast becoming my favorite day of the year. Exactly one year ago today I listened to my supervisor Mark as he told me that he would be more than happy to offer me a fully funded position in the Department of Learning and Teaching at Edinburgh Napier University. That Skype call literally saved my life

Today I got to hold my nephew for the first time.

He’s perfect. He sounds like a goat when he cries, only wants  to be with his mama, and I swear, he already knows how to smile. While I have no desire for one of my own, I am totally in love with this little tiny human. I cannot wait until he gets the all clear from the hospital to come home so I can teach him the finer art of snark.

I can’t wait to see what the 28th if February brings me next year (hopefully it is a puppy).

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 8 and 9

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I’m currently sitting in my sister and brother-in-law’s living room in California. It is warm. I’m in shorts and a tank top. I have a belly full of Mexican food.

I am now an aunt.

Since I am a bit behind on the writing challenge, I thought now would be the perfect time to catch up. Week 8 is dedicated to a person that I love.

Let me tell you about the new love of my life Brandon Davis Rodriguez. He made his debut on the 26th of February at 2:22pm. He was 7 lbs 7 oz, and absolutely perfect. He held my hand, and I am pretty sure I melted into a puddle of goo.

He is perfect. He looks like his daddy. Because he decided to cook an extra five days, he was born with some fluid in his lungs, so he is being monitored by the NICU just to make sure he didn’t contract an infection. I haven’t gotten to hold him yet, but him holding my hand for a bit is enough to get me through the 17 hours I waited for labour to work it’s magic, and for all the work that I have put off doing for the last week while I have been in California. I wish that I had more time to spend in California to be with him, but for now, I am going to wrap that baby up in a moby and carry him everywhere with me.

Ughhh. I’m hopelessly in love with this little Branmuffin.

Week 9 is dedicated to something that I would like to learn.

There are a lot of things that I would like to learn. I want to learn how to get past my PTSD. I want to learn how to be a master of SPSS and knock my data analysis out of the park. I want to learn how to be a good partner in romantic relationships, and a less selfish person in friendships. I want to learn how to speak Spanish fluently, and be able to use it in conversation comfortably.

Most importantly, I want to be able to really get a handle on my depression and stop feeling like I live day to day not knowing when or if I am going to fall into a funk. People keep telling me that happiness is a choice, that I can just wake up every morning and choose not to be miserable. I wish it was that simple. I mean, duh, if I had the choice, I would much rather wake up happy and carefree. I like getting out of bed, being productive and enjoying life. I hate that not everyone understands the seriousness of my depression. The one thing I do know is that while I cannot necessarily erase my depression, I can learn how to keep the dark and twisty at bay, and learn to find more joy in the everyday. Therapy will be a big part in that, and daily photo updates of the new love of my life will also help. Once I get a handle on this nonsense, you can best believe I am going to tackle the rest of my list.

On the plus side, since I have been in California I have not felt the least bit out of place, the least bit lost, or the least bit upset. I’ve slept better than I have in months, am getting plenty of family time, and am avoiding people and things that might make me feel bad. I’ve also taken the last week off from anything academic related, so I am feeling pretty relaxed. I like the feeling of being here on vacation, but still feeling like I am part of the day to day happenings with my family. This trip definitely came at the perfect time, and will make me feel really really good when I get back to Scotland and can start kicking ass on my research and data collection.

The Scamp and a Mockingbird

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“Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”

Today the world lost a literary great. One of the great American novelists, Harper Lee has died at the age of 89. Lee rose to literary fame in 1960 with the publication of one of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird. The book would win her the Pulitzer Prize in 1961, and be adapted to the big screen with Gregory Peck as the great Atticus Finch. Lee was never comfortable with the fame that came with her literary masterpiece, and for more than 55 years, it remained her only published work. In 2015, Go Set the Watchman was published, much to the dismay of diehard Lee fans. The novel was meant to be a sequal to TKAM, and featured Scout as an adult, and what happens when the illusions of childhood are stripped away. (I’ve written about it here https://ascampabroad.com/2015/07/21/the-scamp-sets-a-watchman/)

Lee was born in Monroeville, Alabama in 1926, and spent most of her life guarding her privacy. It is clear that the novel served as the backdrop for her novel, and that she was deeply affected by her life there. Although she moved to New York in 1949, she always remained a small town Alabama girl. She had a deep and powerful friendship with another great American author, Truman Capote. He served as the model for her character Dill, and she served as an assistant of sorts while he researched and wrote In Cold Blood. She all but disappeared from the spotlight until President Bush honored her with the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2007. He called her novel a gift to the world.

He was not wrong.

Harper Lee has always been one of my favorite authors. To Kill A Mockingbird is a book I read over and over, and every time I do, I learn something new about myself, and about the characters I love so much. While I no longer have the naive hero worship of Atticus Finch that I did when I was younger, I am now better equipped to appreciate  what Lee did with her characters, and with the story that she was trying to get across. Her death is a huge loss for the literary world, but her novels will continue to make people think, make people talk to one another, and hopefully, make people have a greater appreciation for what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes. She may not have really believed in her ability, and the good she did, but millions of people all over the world would tell her otherwise.

“People in their right minds never take pride in their talents.”
― Harper Lee

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 7

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It is currently a crisp 41 degrees in Edinburgh, and probably not much warmer in my flat. I leave for California in two days and I have yet to pack. I have a laundry list of things to do (including laundry), but it took me over an hour and half to get out of bed.

Right now the cold weather is not my friend.

The writing challenge for this week is based around thinking about something that I could be doing right at this moment that will help me get to where I want to be in the future. Given what I have said for the last three years about needing to break up with the United States, this is going to seem really strange, but I believe that the best thing I can do right now for my career and my future is go to California.

I’ve made no secret about the sneak attack of the dark and twisty. I’ve mentioned more than once that I miss the sun, and that I need a break from the cold. The research, my job, and my motivation have been tough. I’m not focused, not interested, and not the easiest to be around right now, so this mini vacation is coming at the perfect time. It will allow me a break from work, a break from the cold, and a chance to maybe get some much needed tan lines (seriously, I am scary white. If the power went out, we’d be fine because I glow in the dark). This three weeks will allow me a chance to recharge and destress a bit.

California has my cat. California also has my wombmate and my nephew who has been kind enough to wait until I am there to make his debut. I’ve missed the entire pregnancy, so at least I might be able to be there for the most important part. I am a little nervous about being back in California though. I am worried that I will feel out of place while I am at my parents’ home, and that no one will want to see me while I am there. All of those are silly thoughts, but they still creep in from time to time. Hopefully some time at the beach and some authentic Mexican food will cure that.

I guess it is time to get my giant suitcase out and get to packing.

The Scamp Walks a Fine Line

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Positivity is not my strong suit. I’m a glass half empty, bird shit on the face, permanent bad day kinda gal. It is something I am trying to work on it, but struggle a bit when life throws me some curve balls. At the end of this week I have my 6 month review and determination of title for my PhD. I have been feeling pretty great about the work I have been able to do so far, but I am still a little nervous about presenting it to my supervisors and my new external chair. I still have a little doctoral program PTSD, and I am in a constant worry that I am going to screw up my chances here the way I screwed up in Fullerton.

I am starting to feel the effects of the fear in a big way.

I was hired to be the first educational pedagogy PhD at the university. Along with the PhD, I was going to run a university wide project to help update and improve the assessment and feedback practices of the degree granting programs. I thought I would be able to pull data from the project to use for my own research, and be able to do both tasks in well balanced harmony. Long story short, I was told that someone more senior than me needed to be in charge of the project, but as the resident TESTA expert, I would have a role to play in the project, and be there to offer guidance and support. I have strong feelings for the project and what can be done with a fresh approach to feedback, but my ego is also healthy enough to not have to be “the leader”. I understand the underlying politics that go along with a university-wide project, and my position as someone who is not quite an employee, but not quite a member of staff in the Department of Learning and Teaching Enhancement (I know, I work for a department called DOLT….when I started 6 months ago was ASPEN, which I was way more fond of). Now that the project is underway, it has become more apparent than ever that I do not have a strong presence yet on campus.

I have been trying to walk the fine line between standing up for what I want to do, and playing the political game. I am so traumatized with what happened at CSUF that I have almost become a doormat. I’m not being treated fairly, and because I am not trying to rock the boat, I have not been speaking up. In a meeting today, when I was disrespected in a room full of important people at the university, I didn’t correct the insult. I’m so afraid to make waves, so afraid that I am going to repeat the mistakes of last year, that I am in serious danger of becoming a doormat. Finding the right balance is hard, and trying not to equate this program with the program from hell is even harder.

Luckily I have some amazing friends who let me talk out out my feelings, a manpanion who celebrated my victories with me, and a mommy who is not afraid to give me a gentle kick in the ass to get off the floor and stand up for myself.  I’m really the luckiest girl in the world. It is nice to be reminded of that when I am trying to stay out of the dark and twisty.