This week has been rough for me. I’ve been feeling a bit down, and have no real reason for it. I spent most of the day on my couch staring at articles and wishing that I could feel some motivation to do something productive. The one time I ventured out of my flat today I got caught in the rain without my umbrella (Of course, I have been carrying that thing around for a week and it hasn’t rained once) and I took that as a sign that today was just not meant for working.
Tomorrow is another day.
Since I was feeling lousy, I decided that it might be a good time to look at the challenge for this week. This week is an easy one: my favorite possession. I’m not huge on material things, but there is one thing that I value above all of my other things (including my flamingo shoes, my pirate rubber chicken, and all of my yoga pants): my passport.
That’s right. My favorite possession is my passport. That tiny little book is one of the greatest things that I have ever been given. It not only allows me to live in Scotland, but it supports my wanderlust, and has allowed me access to some of the most incredible places in the world. It is the one thing that I am sure to bring with me on my travels, and it is the one thing that reminds me that I can be a gypsy soul when the mood strikes me. I’ve been looking at it a lot the last couple of days, dreaming about the next place I could go (It is a thing that I do when I am sad…I plan fantasy trips). I am grateful that I have it, and grateful for all of the opportunities that I get from it. I realize that not everyone is as lucky to have a passport, or even to be able to go just about anywhere with it, and I plan to make really good use of it for as long as I can.
Yesterday I posted about a boy called Angus who I get to work with in the center. I was excited because I got him to pay attention and sit through a little bit of his session. It is my hope that one day I will get him to sit through an entire session.
Miracles of miracles….today was that day!
The Scottish schools are on holiday, and when that happens, the center is open early in the day so that kids can come in and do their sessions while their parents are at work. When I got to the center this morning, Angus was in a zone and had just started his session for the day. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed, which I took as a good sign. The minute Angus saw me, he jumped off his chair and gave me a hug. There were only six kids working, so I sat down with Angus and told him that I would work through some of his session with him. I feel bad that I took over another tutor’s job, but Angus did everything I asked of him on the first task, and before I knew it, we completed his entire session! He was able to have a one-on-one with me, which is probably never going to happen again, but for me it was totally worth it.
I made sure that I talked to his gran before he left so that she knew how good he was today, and how stoked I was to be able to work with him again. He told her I was his favorite tutor, but I think that is just because I let him draw pictures on the whiteboard every time he answers three questions.
It really doesn’t hurt my ego though to know that he had a good day and I was a part of that.
I’ve had a really bad cold for the last two weeks and it has made me extremely lazy (and the U.K.’s largest producer of snot). I have fallen behind with PhD work, with writing, and with anything remotely related to not being a zombie. One of the joys of working with little kids three days a week is that they are mini perti dishes of new and wonderful germs.
My body does not like germs.
So while I am playing catch-up this week, all the writing that I actually want to be doing has fallen by the wayside. The gratitude challenge for last week was focused on my greatest accomplishment. This one is really hard for me. I’m not sure I have a specific moment that would qualify as my greatest accomplishment. The one thing that I can think of is surviving my first encounter with a PhD program and not letting it completely destroy me. A mere two months after that all fell apart I had an interview for my current position. While there were a lot of tears, a lot of hiding in bed, and a lot of therapy, I did not completely sink into the dark and twisty, and was able to find a program that I am better suited to, and I got to return to Scotland. Now, I am two months into my new life here and I feel like I never left. Even though my days are not always sunshine and rainbows (Because really, the sun doesn’t shine here), I am happier than I have been in a really really long time. I’ve been reunited with some of my favorite people, made some pretty kick ass new friends, and am well on my way to settling into a great life here.
The gratitude challenge for this week is hobbies. I have a lot of hobbies that I enjoy, but there are a couple that I am extra grateful for. I often get mocked for my love of yoga pants and brightly colored yoga mats, but this is one hobby that I am seriously grateful for. I took up yoga about 15 years ago to help stay flexible for swimming, but it has become something that I really enjoy doing when I am stressed, having a bad day, or when I want to show off for cute boys. I have been lucky enough to meet some great people who do yoga, and even got to help one of my friends as she went through certification to become a yoga teacher. It is a hobby that has a lot of benefits for my health, and keeps me from punching stupid people on a regular basis. I’ve been majorly slacking on my practice lately, but I am going to make a conscious effort to do at least 20 minutes a day. Scorpion pose is in my future.
The other hobby that I am grateful for is my love of reading. That hobby has not only allowed me access to some wonderful books, but has kept me gainfully employed since I was 14 years old. I’ve worked in every type of library you can imagine, and have been a student of words since I was 18. Most recently my love of reading helped me get a job at a learning center. The extra cash is nice, and the kids are a fun break from higher education. I love it when they tease me about the way I say tomato, or when they get excited about being assigned to my zone. The kids have even started drawing me pictures to put on my desk at work. My favorite is the purple dinosaur with a blue tail and face.
The best part of the job so far is a little man named Angus. I’m not 100% sure what Angus has, but I am guessing undiagnosed ADD, and some emotional issues. Angus and I met last week, and it was a struggle to get him to do anything. When he came into the center yesterday, he asked to be put in my section, gave me a big hug, and I got him to sit through one and a half of his tasks (no small feat, trust me). He even made me a picture before he left for the day. I know that it really isn’t a big deal, and I am not going to solve his attention issues, but it is nice to think that he is not hating the hour that he spends in the center. He hates reading, so I am going to try and find some really funny books that he can read so that maybe he will hate it a little less. If I can share that hobby with him, maybe, just maybe, I can get him to sit through a whole session.
I should be writing emails and notes for my dissertation.
I should be working my butt off to get a paper ready for editing in just four short months.
I should not be sitting on my couch, still in my pjs watching Top Chef and pretending that having the articles open is the same thing as working.
I should get back in the habit of doing yoga everyday.
I just want to crawl back in bed. I picked up a second job (3rd if you think of the PhD as its own job) and having worked all week learning the ins and outs of the center left me dead.
I just keep rereading last week’s post and reminding myself that I am really stinking happy in Scotland, and once things settle down with the new job I will get back in the groove of a routine and that will hopefully up my productivity.
Week 38 in the gratitude challenge is all about my favorite music. This one is an easy one. I love music. I will give anything a try, and have everything from Ska to country to electroswing on my ipod, and my favorite thing to do is to make song based playlists for my commute to work and back. Music helps me work, helps me move through yoga routines, and helps make me feel better when I am sad. One of my faults is that I tend to be very negative about situations, and think the worst of myself and situations I get into. When I spend too much time in silence, my brain goes crazy, and I get into the dark and twisty. I currently live alone, so I always have music playing when I am at home. When I can feel myself going to the dark and twisty, I put on some of the most upbeat music I have on my ipod and dance around my place while I clean.
It always makes me feel better.
I am going to put together a mini playlist of some of my favorite songs, since it is much more to listen to them than have me ramble on about them.
While there are plenty more to chose from, I feel this gives a bit of an idea of my go to songs to make me feel better. I have about 20,000 songs on my ipod, so I am never short of good music.
Week 39 is a harder one for me. This week is all about heritage.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines heritage as:
Valued objects and qualities such as historic buildings and cultural traditions that have been passed down from previous generations:Europe’s varied cultural heritage
This one falls on an interesting week as it is Jewish New Year. It is tradition that is important to my heritage and reminds me to reflect and really think about who am I am and the choices that I make in life. This last year has been really difficult and really horrible, and really fucking fantastic. I am grateful for my heritage and my values and traditions, but I often feel like I do not fit into that mold. I consider myself a gypsy soul, and because of that, I feel like I do not have a real set heritage. I just want to wander the world and learn as much as I can. That does not really lend itself well to tradition.
I’ve recently had the opportunity to meet a real gypsy. He was born in the French Alps, but has lived all over the world. He hates being called French, speaks with a mix of Scottish and French accent, and his idea of the perfect place to live is western Australia. We met by chance, but he is one of the first people I have ever had a conversation with who really understood the need to wander, and reluctance to be defined by where you are born, or where you grew up. We had some great conversation, and I think it could really be the start of a great friendship.
I think that is one of the things that I am most grateful for about my adopted gypsy soul heritage. It is allowing me to meet so many interesting people and live this pretty funky life. I cannot wait to see where I move to next, and the type of people that I will meet when I do. As for the heritage of my youth, I feel like some of the Jewish traditions that I observe and practice allow me to really reflect on myself as a person, and really remember that I have the strength and perseverance to move through life doing the things I love.
This one is a good week for me. This week is all about being grateful for something that I created. Brace yourself, this post is about to be sappy as hell.
You’ve been warned.
I’ve created a lot of things that I am proud of, but I think what I am most grateful for is the life that I am currently creating in Scotland. I have finally figured my shit out.
Finally.
The last month and change has been really good for me. There was a bit of time there when I was trying to sort the visa out that I thought I was never going to actually get to come back here and live. I was really good at going to the dark and twisty. When I got here, and lasted a week, before I had to go back to the States, I was sure that the university was going to fire me and that I was going to be unemployed and sad on my mom’s couch forever.
Luckily, none of that happened. I had a drink with a colleague, and someone fast becoming a friend, and after hanging out and talking about work and life, and having some really tasty drinks, I walked home and realized that I was ridiculously happy. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. I forgot what the feeling was like. At first I thought it was just the last shot of Sailor Jerry, but it when it didn’t go away the next day, or even today, I finally figured out what it was. I’m freaking happy. Really freaking happy.
This comes at the perfect time, as tonight marks the start of Rosh Hashanah, which means the Jewish new year is upon us. It is strange because I don’t really remember celebrating last year, other than using it as the perfect excuse to leave class early. There really isn’t a temple around here, and really no Jewish people, so this year I am going to enjoy my apples and honey, and really think about all the crazy shit that has happened, and what I learned from it. So, while everyday isn’t perfect, and some days I get a little sad, or I feel extra tired, on the whole, life is pretty fucking great for me right now.
I’m going to enjoy the happy feeling. The really great happy feeling.
Home is an interesting word for me. It has been commonly defined as:
home
noun
1.
the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
“the floods forced many people to flee their homes”
2.
an institution for people needing professional care or supervision.
“an old people’s home”
adjective
1.
relating to the place where one lives.
“I don’t have your home address”
2.
(of a sports fixture) played at the team’s own ground.
“their first home match of the season”
adverb
1.
to or at the place where one lives.
“what time did he get home last night?”
verb
1.
(of an animal) return by instinct to its territory after leaving it.
“a dozen geese homing to their summer nesting grounds”
2.
move or be aimed towards (a target or destination) with great accuracy.
“more than 100 missiles were launched, homing in on radar emissions”
In regards to the way that I think about home, on a more literal level, there is a lot to love about my flat. It is the perfect size for me, it is in a crazy cool old building, the neighborhood is relatively safe, and everything that I need is in walking distance. Now that more of my things have arrived, the place has a lived in, “Kim” feel to it (the rubber ducks really make the place). I spend a lot of time in my little reading nook with my academic articles, and I am seriously considering buying a big comfy dog bed so I have something soft to sit on while working. All in all, my little home is perfect for me.
A little art on the wall next to my building
While I am grateful for my little home, on an elemental level, I am so grateful to Scotland and the place that I really consider my home. It is not so much that I love the place, but more so I love the way I feel when I am here. I’m happier here. I’m more me here. I’m not as stressed, not as grumpy, and I get a whole lot more exercise. Those feelings have me eternally grateful, and I know that my stress level is going to amp up in the next few weeks with school starting, my dissertation in full swing, and the project starting, but I know that at least I get to experience all of those things here, where my little heart feels at home.
This is the week all about my neighborhood. Having only been here a month, I feel that I am still in the honeymoon phase, but all in all, I have to say that I really love where I live.
I am not yet an expert on the history of the city, but according to VisitScotland. com:
Leith is an area like no other. Boasting its own distinct character, Leith is a hub of lively eating and drinking spots, creativity and cultural diversity.
The district of Leith rests on the shores of the Firth of Forth, at the mouth of the Water of Leith. Having served as the port of Edinburgh for hundreds of years, the area’s original harbour dates back to the 14th century and has been visited by many travelling kings and queens, including Mary Queen of Scots and King George IV.
Today, Leith is a vivacious area jam-packed with delicious delis, chic drinking spots, and top restaurants boasting some of Scotland’s finest chefs. The district asserts a jovial attitude and hosts an eclectic mix of people and cultures, making each a visit a unique experience.
The area is famed as the location of the 5-star Royal Yacht Britannia, a fascinating royal residence berthed alongside Ocean Terminal Shopping Centre. Leith also boasts a rich creative culture and is home to various independent and contemporary galleries, such as the Corn Exchange Gallery. Various cultural festivals such as the Leith Festival and the Edinburgh Mela take place here throughout the year, and the area even has its own radio station.
Though Leith can be easily reached by bus, one of the best ways to visit is to take a leisurely stroll along the Water of Leith Walkway. This charming footpath borders the river from Balerno to Leith and emerges at the Shore, an upmarket area lined with bistros, stylish bars, traditional pubs and first-rate restaurants.
The mile-long Leith Walk links the district with the east end of Princes Street and offers a shopping experience like no other in the capital – locals proudly boast that there is little to nothing you won’t be able to find on this street.
What I like about the area is that it reminds me a lot of places at home. It is a little bit sketchy, but you don’t feel unsafe, and I am near the water. I can go have a sit at a bench and watch the ducks and birds, and I can always hear the seagulls. I can’t wait to see what it looks like in the winter, and I wonder if I will still feel so in love with the area when I have to walk to the bus in the rain and wind…and maybe snow.
and because I am a lazy writer today, I am also sharing a photo from one of my favorite sites on Facebook: Beautiful Edinburgh (https://www.facebook.com/beautifuledinburgh/timeline). This is how I see my neighborhood right now.
The month has gone quickly, and with school starting in two weeks, I am looking forward to a little more of the calm before the storm. I have a job interview, paid all of my bills this month, and feel like I am settling into a good routine. I saw an email on Friday announcing the dissertation proposal defense for one of the women responsible for my dismissal from CSUF, and it really made me sad. I got really wrapped up in my own head about it, and even though I know that I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to, it was still hard for me to see something that I should have been doing. I let myself get mopey about it, but was lucky enough to have some people here to let me talk it out and help me remember that it happened, and something good came out of it. That, a walk around the area, and some really good yoga definitely made me feel a lot better about the choices that I have made in the last few months.
One of the interesting people I have met while I’ve been here is a photographer. Not to over-inflate his already massive ego, but he is really good at capturing a moment. He is working on a project that involves alter egos, so I made a mask of my alter ego, the free bird, and let him take some photos of me. He doesn’t know this (although by now he has probably guessed) that I hate having my photo taken. Even with the mask on, I felt awkward, and looked awkward. At one point he even commented on how strange I look when posing for photos. It is really really hard for me to relax and act natural when someone has a camera pointed at me.
The shots are good though, so I am okay with sharing them with the world.
The last photo is my favorite. I feel like the first one was more of what he was expecting, but I am just so horribly awkward that the ones where you can’t really see my face are the best ones. Despite my neurosis, I wouldn’t mind him taking photos of me again as he is horribly interesting and provides hours of good laugh and banter.
You can find his work here: https://instagram.com/impisheye/
To continue with my growing trend of being behind on the challenge, I have a couple of weeks to cover. I feel a bit lazy. I’m tired. I’ve been pushing my body really hard with all the walking and hiking and rush to settle into a routine. I can feel myself starting to slide into a down cycle, and I am hoping that if I take it easy for a bit I can avoid the pitfall of exhaustion. Right now I am sluggish and just going through the motions. I’m finding it hard to concentrate on what I want to say, and I have stopped and started the post 3 times. Forgive my tired brain.
Week 33 was all about something that I look forward to. It is funny, that was the week I was going crazy not having internet at home. I was most looking forward to that so that I could stay in contact with my family. I spent 21 days not really texting, emailing, or even Facebooking them. I was feeling very out of the loop, and there were days that I spent way too much time in my own head, which made me depressed and miss them that much more. Now that I can Skype and text with them, I feel a lot better about settling down in Scotland.It is strange how dependent I am on the internet, and how out of sorts I felt without it. I look forward to checking up on the wombmate’s pregnancy, to chatting with my friends and scheduling visits with my friends from all over the world.
Week 34 is dedicated to what I like about fall. I have to say the one thing I really love is when the weather starts to get cooler and I can wear comfy sweaters and leggings. I like being able to take a walk when the even cools down, and enjoy a cup of tea in bed with a book. It seems strange to think about fall right now since the last few days here have been really sunny and warm, but I look forward to the change in the weather….as long as my next few boxes don’t get held up by customs for three weeks.
I know that technically it is week 35, and I promise that the end of this week there will be a post dedicated to my new neighborhood and everything that I love about it.
I’ve now been home for three weeks. I feel like I have been here a lot longer than that. Everything seems like it is already routine. I’ve figured out the best time to catch the bus from the stop around the corner from my flat, and when to walk to the ‘town square’ as I like to think of it, and catch the bus from the temporary stop there. I’ve gotten good at remembering which stop I need to get off the bus so that I do not have to cross the street twice, and at what time I can catch the bus in the evening and there is still a place to sit. I figured out that my cooker will not work if I do not remember to turn on the power, or that I have to remember to turn the dial on my hot water box in my kitchen before I can wash my dishes after dinner. I figured out that no matter how many times I think of it, I will never remember to flip the switch for the shower before I get to the bathroom (the switch is in the closet in my bedroom). I have figured out that if I check traffic the way that I am used to I am all but asking to get run over by a taxi, car, or the bus. I have figured out that there is such a thing as a cool cart to carry my groceries from the market, and that I do not look like a total dweeb walking down the street with it. I have figured out that the door to my flat is never going to open if I do not turn both door handles at once, and the lift in the building inspired many a horror movie. I have figured out that if I forget to close the curtain in my bedroom, the people on the third floor of the building across the street will get a peek at my goods (and since that privilege is usually reserved for my doctor and men who woo me and at least buy me dinner, it is in my best interest to keep the curtain closed). I have figured out that despite the fact that I get lost all of the time, and have not had internet for the last three weeks, I am very very very happy here.
I was able to spend time this weekend with three gents who were part of the reason I enjoyed myself here, and although things are different, I had forgotten how normal it felt to hang out with them. We saw some free festival comedy, shared some drinks in cute pubs, and I cooked authentic Mexican food in my kitchen to show the boys what they are missing every time they eat Mexican food here. My social circle may be lacking a bit at the moment, and I may not be making as much headway as I want with my work or my thesis, I have moments where I am reminded that this is exactly where I am supposed to be, and once the work gets underway, I will be sad that I complained about all the free time I have now.
I’m forced to wonder though….all of the problems that I had in the States, all of the things that sent me to the dark and twisty, are they still there? What if, when the dust finally settles, Fringe is over, I’m in back-to-back meetings with program directors and the heads of schools, will I start to feel the same way I felt before? FedEx is still holding one of my boxes hostage, and it is the one with dresses, some cups and things to remind me of home (like my rubber duck collection), and my yoga mat. Without that mat, I am hard pressed to do yoga in my flat and its slippery slippery slippery flooring. I have not been able to find my center, and not been able to really relax at the end of the day. In the meantime, I finally get internet in two days, and then I will be able to Skype with my family, really do strong work from home, and not rely on my phone and its small data plan to help me maintain contact with the outside world. I also have some postcards to send, and I will get those off to everyone this weekend.
And until then, I am just going to enjoy my feeling of happiness about all of the things that I have figured out in the last three weeks.
The Scamp Abroad 