The Scamp Gets the Good News
After months of waiting, I finally got the provisional results on my dissertation. When I heard the scores went up, I wasn’t going to look. I knew that I wasn’t going to fail, and I know that my dissertation is the best piece of academic work I have written, so I didn’t really feel the need to know the grade. Curiosity got the best of me though, and when I did look, I was happy to see that my genius was recognized and I feel my grade was in line with what I felt I had earned.
The best part of it was the comments I got were constructed. A few of the critiques were things that my supervisor asked me to do, but I would not have done on my own, and the rest of the comments were positive, and helpful for the editing process and hopefully allow me to get the piece published.
This grade completes my journey in Scotland. In a couple of weeks I will have the official results, and in 6 weeks I will graduate and be able to celebrate one of the best years of my life. The A on the paper sums up my grade of my time there (if I was going to put a grade on it). The confidence I gained from that paper will carry me to the first major assignment that I have to write for the philosophy class.
I celebrated the achievement with a mojito, and got a standing ovation from the kids I work with on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The kids were super cute about it, and then asked me to write all of their papers for them. I’m going to save the real celebration for graduation week in Scotland. I think it is best to celebrate at the Blind poet and sing karaoke.
Things have started to get really busy with school, and my new job starts soon, but right this moment, I am in a good place. I’m getting myself out of my funk, I’m learning better time management and getting things done, and I am finally starting to see the point in the philosophy class….I’d say that is progress.
Now if I could figure out how to afford insurance and make my loan payment, I would be golden.
The Scamp Learns Through Osmosis
Let’s be honest, the best way to learn about American community colleges is put the book over my tired face and hope that the musty smell of old library book will help my brain absorb all I need. This picture was taken at 8:30…on a Thursday. There is no reason that I should be as tired as I am, and no reason why I couldn’t read the 36 pages assigned for next week.
This is my second attempt at doing homework. I spent a good three hours trying to code and synthesize books and journal articles for my research class, and after falling asleep twice in my office chair, I decided it was time to switch gears. The picture is proof of how well that worked. I’m only on page 11 (and I am pretty sure the first chapter started on page 10).
This week was hard for me. I’m exhausted. I would love to blame it on the 5 miles I did at the gym yesterday and today, but I know that isn’t the reason.
Stress is the reason. For the last year I have been unemployed. School was my only job. I was in Scotland walking everywhere, on a good sleep schedule, and getting enough fresh air to make me almost forget that I wasn’t seeing the sun. Now that I am home, I have something to do or somewhere to be almost every day of the week. Two days a week I am with my Dillybean, two days a week I am working as an AVID tutor, two days a week I do nothing but homework in order to be ready for my Monday study group. I also have the added bonus of a being completely twitterpaited with a boy I can only see on the weekends. All of this is good stress. I love my Dillybean, I love working with AVID, my study group is amazing, and I signed up for the degree, so the homework has to be done. The thing is, the stress hits me extra hard, and wreaks havoc on me. Thanks to my disease, my body goes into shutdown mode to deal with stress. Suddenly everything from focusing on my reading, to walking up stairs, to chewing food is hard for me. My life is very different than it was a year ago. Very very different.
To combat this, I am going to spend the weekend in my pjs, doing my reading and research, get some quality time with my yoga mat, and take a lot of naps.
Hopefully by Monday I will know a little bit more about American community colleges, and will feel a little less like I’ve been awake for 48 hours.
Wish me luck….I’m going to need it.
The Scamp and Change
I like to think that I am constantly changing, maturing and evolving, but despite my best thoughts, for the most part I am a creature of habit and there are some habits that are hard for me to break. I did a lot of maturing and changing while I was in Scotland, but found myself slipping back into the old habits when I came home. I’ve had to be kicked in the butt more than once and reminded that I am not the person I was a year ago.
This weekend I got to attend the wedding of two people that I care about a lot. I met them in Merced, and have remained close to them since. I saw them a lot when I was in San Diego, and I got care package in Scotland with pictures and drawings from their daughter. Their wedding was special because it was a celebration a long time in the making, and it meant the chance to reunite a lot of people that I had not seen since I left Merced.
To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to the awkward college reunion. I’m not good at talking about myself, and I am not that good at small talk. This is the second wedding I have attended this summer for people I went to college with, and the second chance to catch up with people I used to spend a lot of time with. Despite my antisocial leanings, it was interesting to hear what everyone is doing now, and nice to see that many of them are doing work in their fields of interest.
The one thing I was dreading was running into my ex-boyfriend. The relationship ended three years ago, and while it was a less then pleasant ending, there are no lingering feelings or bad feelings, I just didn’t feel the need to play catch-up with him. I was doing pretty good at the avoidance thing. I didn’t see him at all until the reception started, and even then, I spent my time catching up with one of my favorite people from college, and getting to know his girlfriend. Things were going great until I got cornered and forced into a conversation I didn’t want to have. He started the conversation by awkwardly referencing our bad breakup and asking me if I still hated him. Old Kim would have done this:
but I took the high road and right when I could feel myself getting annoyed enough to hit him, I ended the conversation by telling him the only thing I miss about him is his dog, and I didn’t care about the breakup when it happened and I don’t care about it now.
That is mostly true. I cared then, but I don’t now. The me now can’t imagine what the me then saw in him, and is sad that at one point, I loved him. I mentioned this to friends after the wedding and one of them said something that really stuck with me. He told me that he believes that people are never the same. The him of now is not the him of five minutes ago, and not the him of an hour from now. The things that he says now he may not believe later, and that is perfectly okay, That really stuck with me because 3 years ago I was in love with the ex. I was happy with him, and it was a good relationship. When I saw him this weekend, I couldn’t figure out what I ever saw in him, and how I could love a slob with no direction. Then I figured out that the me three years ago was okay with that, and the me now knows that I deserve (and have) better.
All in all, I’m glad I went to the wedding and was a part of the mini college reunion. I like the change that many of them are doing, and I am proud of myself for keeping my hands to myself and my mouth mostly in check.
I played this song all the way down the hill after the wedding and toasted myself for taking one more step in becoming an adult.
Nanny Scamp
For the next few weeks I will be helping my cousins by watching their daughter. I love hanging out with my little Dillybean. She’s pretty mellow, and my Grinch heart melts a little every time she falls asleep on me. A lot of times I won’t put her in her crib right away because she is so cuddly and warm, and she smells like clean baby.
She feeds herself, allowing me two hands to hold my textbook open
She naps like clockwork…and looks cute doing it
She thinks my jokes are funny
She wakes up in the strangest positions
I really enjoy spending time with her. This is good for me because I have a little money coming in now until I start my new job next month, and I have a new found respect for the people in my cohort with families, especially the people with babies. While taking care of her is easy, it does require my full attention and I do not get as much studying done as I thought I would when I am with her. Usually I can hold her while I read, but she is squirmy, and she needs to be stimulated (she also thinks that my History of American Higher Education book is boring, so reading that to her is a no go). I suppose I could put on Baby TV for a bit to keep her entertained, but I find that channel to be a form of torture for me, so I sing her silly songs, read her stories, or just walk her around and point out all the things around her. I usually leave ready for a nap.
I have a complete and total new found respect for working parents.
The Scamp and Poetry
I have been asked to write a poem.
In fact, I have been asked to write a “fucking sweet poem”.
I haven’t written poems in years…not since I took Writing 125 in Merced. In fact, it was in that class that I met the boy that asked for the poem.
I am not a poet. I write prose. I can spill my guts in a post here, write amusing stories about being fired from my first job, and do all of that without breaking a sweat. Ask me to write a poem though, and suddenly the room is hot and stuffy and my homework suddenly needs to be completely finished and perfect ahead of schedule.
Unfortunately, I have finished all of the work that needs to be completed tonight. Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised. I have an amazing study group, and divide and conquer is keeping me within a manageable reading and research load. I should have gone to bed awhile ago, but instead, I thought I would try to write the poem.
I wrote the poem….or mostly a bunch of words on a page. They don’t rhyme, there is no structure, but the are meaningful.
I only wish I was as clever as Dr. Seuss. A Seussical poem would be a “fucking sweet poem” that would be sure to earn me some points. A sonnet might work too…..
A Scamp Learns the Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
That’s what I took away from my class yesterday (thanks Tim). The philosophy class of my nightmares spent a lot of time yesterday talking about the difference between knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. There were some in the class that looked at it like a linear progression, first you gain knowledge, and from that knowledge comes wisdom, and from that wisdom comes understanding. A lot of them mentioned that the people they consider wise are the ones that are older, the ones that have lived and have a lot of experience under their belt. I’m trying not to be the devil’s advocate, but I think that age does not necessarily determine wisdom.
Today is the first day of the Jewish New Year. This day also marks the one year anniversary of the day I left for Scotland. I was excited, nervous, and completely looking forward to my adventure. The start of the Jewish new year is about reflecting and atoning. While there is no way I could possibly begin to reflect on the entire year of adventures (or misdeeds for that matter), I can say that I am a much wiser person.
Last year at this time my post about the new year was filled with worry that I was not a good enough Jew to be with David. I was worried about fitting in with his family, and being able to become the type of Jewish wife that he wanted. At the time I was worried that I was never going to be good enough, and that I was going to be spending the 70 years catching up to where I should have been. Last year I was missing home, missing David, and missing the connection to other Jewish people.
This year I am missing Scotland. In that moment last year I thought I had my life all planned out. I was going to marry my Jewish lawyer and raise good Jewish babies in San Diego. I thought that was what I wanted. I thought that was part of being an adult, settling down and having your life figured out. In this moment now, I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow, much less the next 70 years. I have the deep understanding though that I would not have been happy in that life. I’m currently mostly single, in a doctoral program, and have no real job to speak of. The only thing I know for sure is that I no longer have a plan…..and that scares me. I’m not an adult yet (and really have no idea how to be one), I don’t know if I want to be an adult (because who wants to worry about paying bills), and I worry that being an adult means the end of my wanderlusting ways. Adults don’t pick up and move to other countries on a whim. Adults don’t nap in the afternoon sun on a Wednesday to clear their heads, and adults don’t rush home from class to go to comedy clubs with their best friend.
The thing is, I have the wisdom and understanding to know that I do not have to grow up right this second. Today I was reading a blog (you can find it here: http://theduckandtheowl.wordpress.com/2013/09/04/doors-transitions-graphics/) and a picture on the blog really stuck out to me.
Sarah, the author of the post is going through something very similar (and has written it out much more eloquently than I have) and this picture really reminded me that it is okay that I am a little lost right now. It is okay that my plans now are different than my plans a year ago. If I was still on that life path, I would not be at Fullerton pursuing my doctoral degree, and right at this moment I would be sitting in temple feeling awkward and out of place. I may be lost and worried about the future right now, but like my grandma always said, take care of today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
I know in the end all the dots will connect and everything will work out, but in the meantime I am just going to put one foot in front of the other and see where that takes me.
I wish all of my friends, Jewish and otherwise, a happy and healthy new year full of adventures, laughs, and lots of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding.
Happy 29th of Elul, 5773
The Scamp Gets Philosophical
This weekend I have the house to myself, and instead of having a raging party like most kids home alone for the weekend would do, I took the time to crack open my books and do my first homework assignment. Technically the book should have been read during the summer, and while I was writing my dissertation, the book sat on my dresser and collected dust.
I don’t want to read the book. In fact, I cleaned the house today just so I wouldn’t have to read it. The book is a freshman level philosophy book to get us to start thinking about the philosophical ideas that underpin our own teaching practices. I’ve known that answer since I started teaching, and while I am sure it will change over time, right now I feel good about the old dead white guys whose theories have shaped my teaching. The one thing that worried me about the books and the presentation that we got in class on Tuesday, is that while my school of thought is part of the presentation, the theorists and scholars mentioned on the slides are not the big names in the field. In fact, the names that I expected are not even anywhere on the list. I recognize that I am partial to the theorists that I know, and I am looking forward to learning about the men listed on the slide, but I have to write a final about the theory of my choice and who is a part of it, and I am worried that all of the research I have collected for the last two years to use in my dissertation for CSUF may now have to be expanded to include theorists and ideas that I don’t necessarily like.
While trying to sort out how I felt about teaching, I thought about whether or not the same theories apply to the way I am outside of the classroom. I have recently had the chance to reconnect with two people who are very important to me. One of them lets me ramble and talk nonsense and then helps me sort through the issues and look at things logically. She is the one who best understands philosophy, and has lived a life full of adventure, so I feel that she understands most of the angles that I am coming from. The other one, well, that one asks me hard questions that force me to really think about myself and why I make the choices that I do.It is from conversations with him that I really think about myself….which makes me uncomfortable most of the time. He has a strong scientific mind, and looks at the world in a way I can’t see. We live a strange existence together, but it works, and I get to exercise my mind in the process.
The thing is, my philosophy is pretty much the same. I’m a critical thinker through and through. I spend a lot of time questioning and analyzing everyone and everything around me, and I do it too so I can get the answers that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Now if only I can use that as a justification for being difficult, or being a hermit….no one notices if you get stuck in your head or ask too many questions if you are a hermit.
Time to get past chapter 4 in the book. The house is clean, I have surfed the Chive and the Berry, and emptied my brain of all non school related thoughts, I will go back to trying to be a good student.
The Scamp’s First Day as a Doctoral Student
Riddle: How many doctoral students does it take to create a study group?
Answer: too many.
More than thirty minutes of class time was dedicated to putting the groups together. Some of the groups were still not finalized at the end of that time. Don’t get me wrong, I am in a program with some very very intelligent people, but man did they make that process harder than it had to be. They started trying to sort us by the district we work for, then the times we wanted to meet, and finally, I just looked to the three people I knew who lived near me, asked them to be in my group, agreed on a time and place, and called it a day. There are only 22 of us, it really should not have been that hard.
Other than that, the first day went smoothly. I really like the group of people that I am working with. There are some really sharp, really funny people in the program. I like the unique perspectives, and even found a couple of people who are interested in basic skills and basic skills education. The unexpected bonus is having the pleasure of being in class with two individuals who know my mother. They are hard working, funny, and quickly agreed to let me form a study group and presentation group with them. I can already tell that I will get along with them just fine. I even went to school dressed like an adult so as to make a good impression.
Look mom, I’m wearing heels!
I love that dress. It was the last thing I bought in Scotland, and I have been saving it for months for just the right occasion. The heels were not the smartest choice I have ever made, but they make the dress look better, so I toughed it out for the evening.
The day was filled with overviews and expectations for the classes, and included get to know you games (I had pick three words that best described me…I channeled my inner feisty philosophy teacher and wrote down take charge, snarky and sassy…..so much for professionalism). I hate get to know you activities, but I am glad that I have a better sense of the people I will be spending a lot of time with. I’m not really looking forward to the philosophy class (There is one of you who can expect a lot of questions coming your way…you know who you are), but I am going to enjoy the culture of high ed class. I feel like I have a better grasp on the materials in that class than any other. I also love the professor, so that helps a lot. She showed us this video last night, and I think it really speaks to her sense of humor:
I had a job interview today, and while they are making me jump through a lot of hoops, the people are really nice, and I am hoping that my year and some change long stint with being unemployed has finally come to an end. In the meantime, I have plenty of reading and a critical incident scenario that needs to be written……which really means I am going to read a crime novel or nap through the Angel game.
You may all start calling me Dr. Scamp now, just to get used to it when I graduate. I think it has a nice ring to it, don’t you?
The Scamp Orientates
I should have known I was in for a long day when the orientation retreat email did not have an end time listed for the day. The retreat started at 9, which to me was reasonable, and I assumed it would be a lot like summer school and I’d be back home by half three.
I made it home by 5, and that was only because I evaded the meet and greet dessert reception with other cohorts. The day-o-fun was not scheduled to end before half 7. It was quite a day. It started with get to know you games complete with scattagories, Disney Princess jigsaw puzzles and beer pong (well, there was no beer in the cups, after all it was only 10 am). I hate get to know you games, but I was seated at the kid’s table (or so I am calling us…we are all the same age and a bit younger than most of the people in the room) and they were willing to make jokes, laugh through the games, and generally keep me from wanting to crawl under the table and play Candy Crush on my phone. We had to try and define culture and suss out what is valued in education, and what is not. I was so uninterested in the day, that during a brainstorm session on professional ethics, I joked that it was okay to date your professor as long as you were both single
…..that one didn’t go over so well.
I also learned that I start school on Tuesday……as in 3 days from now. I thought I started first week in September, so needless to say, I have no books yet, just got my parking permit, and haven’t figured out whet room my classes are in. Thank sweet baby Jesus for the retreat today. I would have missed my first day of school.
The one good thing that came out of today was getting to spend some more time with the people I will spend a lot of time with for the next three years. I like all of them. 2 of them work with my mom, three of them are my age, and all of them have great senses of humor. I don’t know if any group can top the EdLang girls in terms of amazing cohorts, but this will be pretty darn close.
Because I don’t know how to read a calendar, I am spending my last free Saturday night being tortured by the sounds of Victor Rojas and Mark Gubicza….I think my ears are bleeding.
Tomorrow I am going to lay by the pool, finish reading the philosophy 101 book for Tuesday night, and try to get some nice solid tan lines. Life as I know it ends on Tuesday.
The Scamp Abroad 