A Scamp on a Hike

Posted on by erranteditor

or, A Scamp in the Rain

Today seemed like a good day for a hike. I wore a dress for the first time, was able to find a place to study in the library, and even found a job that I am qualified for and would make me enough money to live off of while I am here. All that good karma had me feeling good about myself, so when the girls asked if I wanted to go for a hike up Arthur’s Seat, I jumped  at the chance. The view from the top is supposedly amazing, and I thought it would be a great way to spend my last day before classes start.

The walk from the dorm to the base of the mountain is about three minutes, and it was windy, but only slightly overcast. The hike up the mountain is rocky steps and steep turns. It is medium to hard in some places, and if you are not ready for it, it can be quite difficult. About halfway through the hike it started to rain. Not just a light sprinkle, but a full rain. A proper Scottish rain. I got wet real quick, and suddenly my sweatshirt, leggings and trainers were not enough to keep me warm. The wind was blowing the rain sideways, so there was not much I could do to keep myself from getting drenched. Despite the wet and the cold, I enjoyed the climb. A year ago I would not have been able to make the trek. I didn’t weigh enough to support myself through the climb, and thanks to the Lupus, I probably would have died about a third of the way up. I am proud to say that had the weather not crapped out, I would have made it to the top of the mountain.

On my way up the mountain I was able to do a lot of thinking. I thought about the last hike I had been on. It was sometime in April. I was with a guy that I attempted to date the previous summer. He can be an asshole, and he tended to treat me like crap more often than not, but he was one of the easiest people to talk to, and he was also great for a deep and meaningful conversation. I thought a lot about that hike because their were two things that were very very wrong with it: 1. I was trying my damnedest to get back together with David. He wasn’t having it, but I had no business hanging out with a guy who only really wanted in my pants when I was fighting tooth and nail for a second chance with a boy who didn’t want a whole lot to do with me. I was using the boy to make myself feel better because I was not making any strides with David, and that wasn’t fair to anyone involved. 2. Dude knew how to get under my skin. He told me on this hike that my feelings of irrelevancy that I was starting to feel as my moved to Scotland became more real were completely justified. He told me that the world was going to go on without me, and that I made it almost impossible for being to want to love and connect to me so I would be gone and forgotten in no time.

Now, before you all start feeling sorry for me and thinking that I let his words have any effect on me, don’t worry, they didn’t. Everyone who I really care about has reached out to me at some point or another, and a few people that I know through school, but not quite on a personal level have reached out to me and offered me tips, hints, and a friendly ear with my woes of living abroad. I talk to my best friends everyday, and everyone keeps sending me fun cards and care packages. Granted, I have only been gone for about two weeks, but I feel loved and that is all I care about.

Tomorrow is my first day of school. It is strange to think these days were behind me, but I am excited to wear my new dress and awesome shoes and take on the world of academia yet again.

A Scamp and Balance

Posted on by erranteditor

I can’t believe that I have only been here for a week. I feel like I have been here for a lot longer than that. Some of it is because of the horrid schedule of the week, and some of it is due to the fact that I just love the city. I can walk everywhere, my sense of direction has never been so good, and I have made a lot of friends here (I know, everyone is shocked by that last statement, but I decided that when I got here I would do the opposite of what I normally do, and it has been working). I love the fact that I am not spending every night alone in my dorm room, but I am having a hard time staying connected to everyone at home. I’ve seen my mother’s face once, talked to Kelly briefly, and have yet to see my partners in crime. I get regular chats with David, but even then, I feel like I am keeping him from his work. The time difference is still a tricky thing. I’ve made a few appointments to chat with Kelly, but then failed to do it because I went out with my friends here. I wanted to talk to Kelly, but I had a lot of fun going out and about. I know that once my coursework starts I will not be out and about as much and will be able to make a better schedule, but for the next few days, I will feel a bit torn between here and home.

Another balance I am trying to make is the balance between friendly and too friendly. For some reason in this country I am a novelty. I’m assuming it is the tattoos and snark presented in a the librarian esque package. I’ve learned that the Irish love me because I like boxing, the Canadians love me because of the cultural similarities, and the Scottish love me because I say dude. I have to admit that I love the attention. San Diego was rough on me, and it is nice to feel like I am being appreciated for my better qualities. My problem is, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love David, shoot, I am going to marry that boy whether he wants to or not. While I enjoy the boys that I have met here, there is nothing short of Kelly Slater offering to be my love slave that will even tempt me away from David. I find a way to mention him in every conversation I have (which I am sure people are getting tired of) but I have a feeling that most of these boys wouldn’t mind being invited to my room (yeah, like that is going to happen). I usually do better being friends with guys, but I do not want to do anything that will make these boys think they have a snowball’s chance, and I certainly do not want to make David uncomfortable.

My last struggle with balance is balancing the adventure that I want to have for me, and the adventure that I should have as part of a dynamic duo. This is my mother’s biggest fear. When David and I got back together, she was worried about what that would do to the way I lived here. She was worried that I wouldn’t enjoy myself, or that I would somehow short change myself because I just wanted to be with David. She loves David, but she was worried before she spent a lot of time with him what he would do to my adventure. For his part, David feels the same way as my mother. I had to work very hard (and shed a lot of tears) to convince him that I was in no way going to change my plans just because I was madly in love with him (I’m pretty sure I called him an idiot at one point). I mean that. There was no way that I was going to give up this chance, short of some serious complications with the Lupus….even then I would have hobbled my tired ass over here. I am at the point though where I have to decide if I am going to stay for another couple of years, or come home at the end of this program. If I can get funded, I am staying. No question about it. I’d love to stay even if I can’t get funded, but I do not want to go into anymore debt. I also miss being with David everyday, texting Kelly whenever I want and generally not being depressed when I look at Facebook. Although my original plan was to move here and never come home, I am thinking that maybe living here for three (maybe four) years total will give me the adventure that I need before I go home and settle into a life of big girl jobs and financial responsibility.

A Scamp With A Photo

Posted on by erranteditor

I hate having my photo taken. I always look a bit awkward and messy, or my glasses reflect the flash and you can’t see my eyes. Given all of that, I still found myself at a photo shoot today for the School of Education. I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t think I really needed to be in the photo. I thought I was going to stick out like a sore thumb against all of the other people in the program, but since my afternoon was free, I decided that I should just do the opposite of what Kim would normally do and have my picture taken. I’m glad I went. Organized chaos would be too kind a word to describe the process, but I found a couple of the girls from my emphasis and we tried to make sure we were next to each other in the picture. It makes me feel better about all of the group assignments that is bound to come, and it makes me feel generally good about how hard the year is going to be.

Although I hate having my picture taken, the one thing that I am sad about is my lack of pictures so far in my journey. I carry my camera with me everyday, but feel like a tourist. There is beauty everywhere I look here, but I have yet to really capture it. I’m also not in any of the pictures. I miss my mom with her camera taking pictures of everything from the food to the hotel room (uggghhhh, now I am never going to hear the end of that). I would love to take pictures with me at the various places that I visit during the day. The view from the main library is amazing. I’ll go there just to get out of the cold and enjoy the view. The people that I come across also deserve to be chronicled as well. I seem to attract the Irish boys, and my R.A. (yep, I have an R.A. it is freshman year all over again) has blue and green dreads, and the girls here tromp around in itty bitty skirts when it is only 40 degrees outside. If I was at home, I would be busting out my camera or my phone to take pictures and mock the people around me, but here, I feel silly doing it alone.

Classes start first thing on Monday, and I am a little anxious to get started. I want to get in a routine and be busy, so that I will focus less on what I am missing at home. It will also make the year go quicker. I thought my program would be done by May, but it turns out it is  just the classes that end in May, and then I get to work on my dissertation. My program doesn’t end until late August, and graduation isn’t until November. This means that I would not be able to take a teaching job in the States, or start the EDD program at Fullerton.

I guess that means I will just have to finish my PhD here….oh darn.

 

A Scamp With A Map

Posted on by erranteditor

A lot has happened in the last three days. Thanks to a map of the city that I picked up at the Apex six months ago, my comfy shoes, and a soundtrack featuring the Alabama Shakes, I have been able to get around the city quite nicely. I made it through move-in day with very little hassle, and have unpacked my room to make it as homey as possible.  I even made friends. That was a big thing for me. Having some people to move around the city with (and make fun of the freshers) was a huge concern of mine. I like these girls, and they don’t seem to mind me, so I think the next year will be quite alright. We found the mall and picked up some basics and I got a new phone, now allowing me to feel safe when moving about the city.

The funny thing about the campus (and the city in general) is that you can spot the people that have never been here before. The lost confused look, the young faces, the ones that double fist beers to a house meeting about rules and irresponsibility….all of them have the earmarks of a fresher. I spent three days wandering the city before school started, so I feel like I have some sense of the city and how to get around, so I feel like an old pro already. I played tour guide to the girls I met, and I felt very accomplished when I got to my first meeting with the education department without getting lost.

Once I got to the meeting though, I felt like I had been swallowed by a whale. There are 180 people in the program, 150 are girls, and 100 of them are Asian. Everyone already seemed to know each other, and all the chatter around me made me feel a bit panicked. Then I sat through an hour an half lecture with so much info thrown at me that I am not even sure what was said. Thank God for the student handbook. Apparently I am already behind on reading that I didn’t even know had been assigned, and I am still not sure if I am even registered for classes yet. I have so many things that I still need to figure out, and only 5 days to settle them.

After the meeting though, I was able to be productive. I walked to main campus, signed up for insurance (which was only mildly frustrating…3 months to take effect? Why didn’t the international office tell me that?) and by tomorrow I should have a bank account (and hopefully a job of some sort. I’m not picky. Really,  I am not). I have a host of meetings and appointments, and between all of the walking and the really bad cafeteria food, I am bushed. I think a small nap is in my future. Tonight is a post grad mixer, and as much as I hate that sort of thing, I am going to go, smile, and try to keep the sarcasm to a minimum. People here do not understand sarcasm.

A Scamp in the City

Posted on by erranteditor

Bonus points for anyone who knows the reference in the title.

There is something strangely exhilarating about being lost in a foreign city. There is something even more satisfying about accidentally stumbling onto the street you need and finding the address to your new home. In true Kim fashion it took me four hours over two days to figure out where my dorm was and only about 25 minutes to get back to the hotel. My journey took me through 2 parks, 1 sketchy housing complex (crack den anyone?) and on a walking path with what must pass here as a garden. Yesterday I left without my map so I was a bit hesitant to wander too far off the beaten path, but today I had my trusty map, and felt a little better about wandering around.

The problem that I faced was with Google Maps. It gave me the sketchy and horribly convoluted route to the dorm. There were a few times that I was tempted to stop  and ask for directions, but I didn’t out of pure stubborness. I wanted to prove to myself that I could figure it out on my own and be completely independent. I don’t know if I can describe how happy I was to find my dorm, and see how close it was to both the dining hall and to the Royal Commonwealth Pool. You can bet I am going to go there as much as I can. I was tempted to try and sweet talk someone into giving me my keys early, but decided that my time was best spent trying to find a better route for the morning. I walked back in the direction that I had started, but this time instead of going back to the walking path of doom, I stayed on the main road. The streets here tend to change names every so many feet, and after walking for about ten minuets, the street became one marked on the map…..and much to my surprise that street connected to the main street in the city. All I had to do in theory was make a right off the main road the first time and I could have avoided the adventure. I really had to giggle when I got to the main street.

I decided to wander around the city a bit more and see what I could discover. I found the train station and got to see some really pretty old buildings. Today was sort of my last day to sight see for awhile. Once I move in, I am booked solid for the next couple of weeks and then classes start. I am looking forward to being busy because being cooped up alone in a hotel room is starting to get old. There are still a lot of things that I need to work out, like a job and a phone and a doc who will fill my prescriptions, but I will work on one thing at a time and hope that the school will help me fill in the rest.

A Scamp Abraod

Posted on by erranteditor

At 6:30 pm BST I made it to Scotland.It was a long 30+ hours. I had a lot of time to think, and I think I finally realized the magnitude of the choice that I have made. I’m not really a crier, but lately, I’ve been crying a lot.

I cried at the ticket counter at the start of my trip because all of the info the stand in travel agent gave me was wrong and it cost me ten times what I thought it would to check my bag.

I cried before I got on the plane because I broke a zipper on one of my suitcases and had to repack all 4 bags to fit the weight requirements. I cried trying to get to the gate because my carry ons were very heavy and hard to carry and people kept telling me to go to the wrong gates.

I cried on the plane when  I found a copy of Guess How Much I love you that my mom snuck into my bag while I was trying to find one of the 4 million snacks that she packed for me.

I cried when I looked through the movie selection and Anchorman was the first choice. Lindsey quotes that movie to me all the time, and even though I have been a royal pain in the ass for the last few months and she is trying to get settled with class, work and a new city without G, she told me she would Skype me as much as I needed so I wouldn’t be lonely. She gave me tips and some great advice before I left too to make this trip as easy as possible.

I cried when I watched Men in Black 3 because Kelly loves those movies and we saw the first two in the theaters together. She kept telling me how selfish I was for leaving her and moving over here, but I don’t think she thinks I will miss her as much as I will.

I cried when I watched some dumb TV show and the girl talked about being in a cult in Mt. Shasta and that made me think of Joe and all the crazy things I know that he is going to do while he should be studying and working on his degree.

I cried when I was tired of watching movies and the music selection was everything from my ipod and every song that was played reminded me of David and how selfish I was to leave him for a year after I worked so hard to convince him that he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

I cried at the 90s music that played because it reminded me of Erika and Katie and all of the times I have sung Whitney Houston with Katie in various states of inebriation.

I cried in London when I had to lug my heavy bags everywhere and spent a whole lot of time being shuffled in the wrong terminals and the wrong lines for customs. I was a hot sweaty mess by the time I finally made it to the plane for Scotland. I ended up being able to catch a 30 min nap and that has been enough to sustain me until now. Now all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep until Saturday. I have a feeling I will be doing a lot of crying trying to get my bags moved into the dorm and take care of everything that needs to be done for move-in day. As much as I know I need to do this alone and learn how to be independent, I wish someone was here to help me navigate the day.

Tomorrow my goal for the day is to run errands and hang out outside as much as possible. I’m hoping it goes a lot smoother than the last 24 hours.

A Scamp in Denial

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I had  a plan. When I started this blog I had decided that I was going to chronicle my adventures leading up to Scotland, and then chronicle every detail of my life in Scotland. The last time I posted was a month ago, and with only 4 days until I leave, I did not do a very good job of recording the journey. The best reason I can give for that is that I am in denial. The big day sorta crept up on me, and I have run out of time.

I’m in denial of the fact that I leave on Tuesday. Complete and total denial. I’m not done packing, I keep sneaking shoes into the bag, and I didn’t even plan a goodbye party. I have been trying to scatter around town and see everyone before I go, but so far I am not doing such a great job. Instead of dwelling on that (or finishing the packing that needs to be done) I am going to lay on my bed and watch old episodes of Warehouse 13. That sounds like a good time to me.

A Scamp and Stress

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When I get stressed I turn into a monster. I try not too, but it always seems to happen. I start to get crabby and cranky, and I pick fights and generally become a pain in the ass.

Right now, I am being a pain in the ass. I have things I need to do, people I want to see, conversations that need to be had, and I have neither the time or the energy to do any of these things. With less than a month before I leave, I still do not have my passport back, I still haven’t purchased a plane ticket, and I still have no idea how I am going to get everything I want/need with me to Scotland. I should be spending my time figuring all these details out, but instead, I am sitting on my couch watching TV, or hiding in my room watching TV on my computer and picking fights with my boyfriend because he refuses to acknowledge that I am leaving soon. I need a telaportation device, the visa fairy, and the money fairy to come through for me so I can continue to be lazy and not feel bad about it.

Until then, I will clicked through old TV episodes and lay in the sun and try to get a little bit of a tan. I hear vitamin D is good for stress.

A Grown-Up Scamp

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Although you wouldn’t always know by looking at me, I am in fact an adult. I had a “big girl” 40 hour a week job, my own insurance, and my own “big girl” apartment in San Diego. With all of that, I still spent most of my time dressing like a contestant on “What Not To Wear”. On more than one occasion my colleges at Saddleback thought I was one of the students, and many of the people I encountered at USD thought I was a student worker. While I don’t mind my youthful appearance,  all of my leopard print dresses, flip flops, and jeans do not exactly lend me to a credible working woman. My goal for Scotland is to not only grow up and mature, but to look grown-up and mature. Thanks to my mother, I now have a wardrobe that fits that idea. Gone are the jean skirts, sundresses and cute little slip on Vans, and in their place are skirts, cute tops and high heeled shoes (okay, small wide heel, after all, I am not trying to die on the cobblestone streets of Edinburgh). What I like about my new wardrobe though is I still feel like it has the retro vintage feel that I love. Great pencil skirts in bold colors, striped dresses and blazers, and a killer red dress that will make me stand out anywhere. I also still have my assortment of fun jewelery and hair pieces, so I feel like I will still be taking a bit of my across the pond.

It was ridiculously hard though not to buy all the cute little sundresses, and funky canvas shoes I saw. I had to put a lot of things back, and resist the urge to try things on though. I guess I should have picked a place with sun. In the meantime, I did make packing a lot easier for me, and I hope that in the next few weeks I start to feel like the adult that my wardrobe suggests.

A Scamp Unpacked (For Now)

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I never realized how small the room I grew up in was until now. I suddenly have no room to move, no room to breath, and certainly no room to put all of the clothes and things that I have gathered in the last seven years of living on my own. The boxes are all stacked up in my parent’s garage and there is a layer of dust and I am sure many many spiders making residence in my boxes. Soon they will all be moved into storage (if I can get them all to fit) and I will have everything I own in a couple of suitcases and a few carry-ons. I think it is really starting to hit me that I can’t take call of this stuff with me and I will have to pick and choose what I take and what I leave behind. I’m starting to see the beauty of my roommates plan to sell all of her stuff. I have no idea where all of this stuff came from, and I have no idea what I am going to do with it if it doesn’t fit into storage.

All of the stress and the fact that the clock is quickly running out for my time in the US is leaving me with a lot of doubts. I’m starting to think that this was not the best idea I have ever had. Storing my stuff is going to be an issue, leaving my family will be an issue, and leaving David is going to suck. I’ve only been at home one day and I already miss him like crazy. I know that things will be different when I am in school and things are busy, but I am just dreading that separation. I wish that he hadn’t been so quick to turn down coming with me, and as much as I understand why he made that choice, I can’t help but think how much fun it would be if he wanted to come with me. He is constantly tempting me with the life that we will have together when I get home, and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if part of that is a dig at me because we could have that now.

I think that once I readjust to living at home, and can put some of the boxes and bags and other things away I will feel better, but in the meantime, I am very glad that my mother understands my need to be in my room by myself for long stretches of time, and that she is willing to give me that space to readjust. I am hoping that in the next few days I settle down and adjust to being home and start to process the next stage of my life.