adventure | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 17

Posted on May 2, 2016 by erranteditor

I know that it is technically the start of week 18, but I got a little lazy with the schedule, so I am catching up today.

Today when I spent a good portion of the day on my feet, feeling tired and resentful. I’ve been working with a girl who thinks she is the queen of the tutoring centre, and today she complained that her throat felt sore and she shouldn’t have to manage a group of kids. There were two other people in the centre: me, who has been dead on her feet for the past week, and another woman. Now, this woman just came back after suffering a devastating loss, a loss that she cannot tell anyone about…a loss that would have flattened me. She did not complain about being in the centre, did not complain about the work that we needed to do, and volunteered to work a zone and be with the kids. I took the kiddos so she didn’t have to, but she was more than willing. This was the second shift in a row that the first girl passed the work to everyone before even thinking of doing anything.

Off topic, but it made me really cranky, and much as I am trying to make myself better, as much as I am trying to break old habits, when I am cranky, I revert right back to the negative mindset I am most comfortable in.

Maybe a focus on this will help me. The task for week 17 is to write a letter to my teenage self. So here goes:

Dear Teenage Kim,

Believe it or not, you did not have a heart attack in your your teenage years. You actually make it to adulthood. For the most part you make pretty good life choices, but there a few things that you should know:

Stop worrying about every little thing. The world is not going to end if you fail a class, or a test (in fact, you do that later in life, and nothing bad happens to you), and no one is going to think less of you.
Take swimming seriously. You are going to slack off, but that is such a bad idea. You were in good shape, you weren’t horrible, and it is way better than trying to be a runner.
The people you are friends with now, the ones you think you’ll be friends with forever, will not be your friends in ten years. If you really want to keep some of them, you are going to have to work really hard and be prepared to be disappointed, a lot.
In fact, you are going to feel disappointed in people a lot, sometimes in the ones that matter the most, but mostly in the ones who don’t live up to your expectations.
Also, you are going to have drop those expectations. No one, and very few things ever meet them. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you let that shit go.
Go to therapy. You don’t go until almost a decade later, and trust me, you wasted a lot of time being depressed.
Don’t worry about your virgin status. It will be worth it to wait, and even though you will make some bad choices, you don’t get pregnant, you aren’t gossip for anyone, and you’ve never had an STD. A lot of your friends cannot say the same.
Don’t ignore your wanderlust. You turn down a year of studying abroad, a year of teaching English in another country because you are afraid that people will forget you, afraid of what will happen if you leave, but trust me, when you are travelling, you are alive and happy.
You’ll be 26 before you are comfortable with yourself. It is a really long learning process, but take it as it comes
You age like a fine wine. You are way better looking now that you wear more than jeans and a hoodie. Guys tell you that you are hot. They walk through restaurants in Spain to check you out. It is fun. Enjoy it.
You will get hurt a lot when you are out of your teens. A lot. Devastatingly painful hurt that you are completely unprepared for. I can tell you that there are days you don’t get out of bed and you have no idea how you are going to keep going, but you do keep going, and in the end, that is all that matters.
You eventually figure out how to let people past the snark and sarcasm. This leads to you crying. A lot. You also become a really ugly crier, so make sure that you bring tissues with you to meetings or other situations that you think might make you cry. Seriously. The amount of snot you produce is insane.
Skip school once in awhile. No one will care that you never missed a day of school when you are 29.

Bad things are going to happen to you. Bad things that came from choices that you made as a teen. I wish I could tell you to make different choices, save you from the hurt. But it wouldn’t be right. You will learn a lot from some of that hurt, and it will lead you to some really good people and some really great experiences. When you are 25 you will make the best decision of your life. At 28, you will do it again. Trust those. Those choices will make you happier than anything else you’ve ever done (including flying…yes, you get to fly, and then you almost puke in front of a really cute guy….not you at your best) and even on the bad days (and there will be a lot of those, sorry), you will be happy, and genuine and be surrounded by people that understand you, people that actually like you for your weirdness and your wanderlust, and that, teenage Kim, makes everything you will do from then to me worth it.

With sass and snark,

29 year old Kim

The Scamp Crosses One Off the List

Posted on May 1, 2016 by erranteditor

It is the first day of May. I’m not sure where the last few months have gone, but my calendar tells me that it is already May.

On the upside, I have been collecting interviews all week and I was able to knock two more things off my list of 30 things to do before I am 30. After a few tears and a wait list, and some phone calls, I have finally found a therapist. That was some much needed good news, and while the financial investment is stressing me out a little, I am so relived that I can finally get the much needed help that I needed.

The second activity I got to cross off the list was going to the symphony. The Royal Scottish National Orchestra presented Stravinsky’s Symphony in C. Led by guest conductor Thomas Søndergård, the orchestra delighted my ears for almost three hours. Thanks to my status as a student, I was able to get really great seats for a super discounted price.

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(Don’t worry, this was before the show started)

I learned a few things at the symphony.

People do not know how to dress for a night out. Errol and I got dressed up real fancy, and most people in the concert hall were in jeans.

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2. I have no idea when you are supposed to clap. The orchestra was amazing. I wanted to clap after each movement, but no one clapped until the end of the entire piece. Then, each time the conductor left the stage and came back, people behind the scenes clapped to make sure that the audience did.

3. Conductors, good ones, get really into their craft. Thomas Sondergard is a really good conductor. He was super entertaining to watch.

4. Your mind wanders when listening to music. I found myself daydreaming a lot. I loved the music, but it lulled me into a sleepy state and I started to think about all kinds of random things.

5. I would go to the symphony again. It was a great way to spend a few hours listening to music and not thinking about work, people, stress, anything. It was fun to get dressed up and be an adult, and it was really fun to watch people who clearly love music.

Here was the running order for the evening:

Schubert Symphony No3
Stravinsky Symphony in C
Schubert Symphony No4 Tragic
Stravinsky Symphony in Three Movements

Igor Fyodorovich Stravinsky was truly a gifted composer. According to his Wikipedia page:

Stravinsky’s compositional career was notable for its stylistic diversity. He first achieved international fame with three ballets commissioned by theimpresario Sergei Diaghilev and first performed in Paris by Diaghilev’s Ballets Russes: The Firebird (1910), Petrushka (1911) and The Rite of Spring (1913). The last of these transformed the way in which subsequent composers thought about rhythmic structure and was largely responsible for Stravinsky’s enduring reputation as a musical revolutionary who pushed the boundaries of musical design. His “Russian phase” which continued with works such asRenard, The Soldier’s Tale and Les Noces, was followed in the 1920s by a period in which he turned to neoclassical music. The works from this period tended to make use of traditional musical forms (concerto grosso, fugue and symphony), drawing on earlier styles, especially from the 18th century. In the 1950s, Stravinsky adopted serial procedures. His compositions of this period shared traits with examples of his earlier output: rhythmic energy, the construction of extended melodic ideas out of a few two- or three-note cells and clarity of form, and of instrumentation.

The symphony was definitely one of the more fun activities to cross off the list. I am 20 days away from completing number 10, and I am thinking to combine part of 5 with 6 and go to Turkey to ride in a hot air balloon. I’ve also been fantasy planning a million different trips, but hope to get at least one in the books for June or July….even if it just a quick weekend away.

Learn how to drive in the UK.
~~Present at an academic conference~~
Start a new tradition
~~Go back to therapy~~
Visit three new countries
Ride in a hot air balloon
Quit the tutoring centre
Volunteer for a literacy programme
Read a book that has more than 500 pages
Make my bed everyday for at least three months
Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
Master scorpion pose
~~Attend the symphony~~
Learn a rap song from start to finish
Host a dinner party
Create a budget so I can pay down my student loans
Create something original
Create a solid workout regime
Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
Learn to dance
Eat an exotic meal
Learn to cook a fancy meal
Yell at a football match
Go horseback riding
Master British spelling and punctuation
Create a good sleep schedule
See my favorite group in concert
Fall in love
Stop holding grudges
Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 12

Posted on March 27, 2016 by erranteditor

The single most depressing thing to my new found sense of Britishness is a bad cup of tea. I have become quite the connoisseur of tea in the last 8 months, and while I was in California I picked up a box of hibiscus passion tea that sounded amazing.

It isn’t.

It will taste great as iced tea, but as a hot drink, it leaves a strange aftertaste and smells a bit odd…of course, I have been sick for two weeks, and am currently producing more snot than should be humanly possible, so that could very well be the problem.

On to more important things. I’m supposed to be working on a script for a presentation I am giving on April 6th. I’m doing a pecha-kucha (my supervisor called it a Manchu Pichu, and someone else said bless you after I mentioned it). That means I have 20 slides and 20 seconds a slide to get my point across. I got the presentation done, but trying to say more than ten words in 20 seconds is proving to be a challenge.

I am not known for my brevity.

This quandary I find myself in speaks perfectly to the writing challenge for this week. The goal for this week is to think of one word that describes my life right now and one word that I wish described my life.

Let’s start with my current word: Stressful

Much the way trying to say everything I need to in 20 seconds is driving me bonkers, the state of my life right now has me feeling like one big ball of stress and snippyness. In addition to trying to get this presentation done, I am having to beat feet to collect the rest of my data for this year, and write the first draft of a paper I am trying to get published all before the end of April. Part of this was my fault for not getting the data collection done before I left for California, and for not working on my paper while I was there, but part of it is just the nature of being an academic. Couple that with the project being done at the university, and my work at the tutoring center, I am feeling a bit like my life is just a blur of diary appointments right now. I’ve been back for almost two weeks and I cannot even tell you what I had for dinner last night (wait, the dishes are still in the sink….I had pasta with garlic and herbs. Guess I need to add clean my flat to the list of things that needs to get done).

The word that I wished described my life right now? Adventurous

Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain amount of adventure that comes with being an expat and living in Scotland. There is a certain amount of adventure to my life no matter where I am living, but right now, the only thing that I want to be doing is traveling. I have been spending an awful lot of time planning trips to different places. I made the list of 30 things I want to do before I am 30, and visiting three new countries is on the list. I’ve been looking into a trip to Paris in November, and a trip to Malta in September. That trip to Malta is giving me so many problems. I am having a really hard time coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t book it right now. I don’t want to feel stressed. I want to wear cute sundresses and sandals. I want to wear a bikini and get a tan. I want to see sunshine.

I don’t want to feel antsy and uncertain. I don’t want to take hours to get something written because I am so afraid that it is going to suck or that people are going to hate it, or I am going to let my supervisors down because my writing isn’t strong enough.

But first, I am going to take a nap. Naps solve everything, even a bad cup of tea.

The Scamp’s 30 Before 30

Posted on March 22, 2016 by erranteditor

I have been 29 for two weeks now, and am just now getting around to posting my list of 30 things I would like to do before I turn 30. Part of it is because I am sick right now and leaking so much snot that it is hard for me to focus on anything, and part of it is that I am trying to play catch-up with work after my three week break in California. I made a massive error and waited too long to schedule some of my data collection. My supervisors have told me that I have to be pushy and get what I can, and they have added a due date for the draft of the first chapter of my thesis. I am trying really hard not to stress, but I have a feeling that I am about to be a basket case.

I wish I had not given up eating chocolate.

The list is a good mini distraction from all of the work that needs to be done this week.

So, in no particular order, here are the 30 things I would like to do before I turn 30:

Learn how to drive in the UK.
Present at an academic conference
Start a new tradition
Go back to therapy
Visit three new countries
Ride in a hot air balloon
Quit the tutoring centre
Volunteer for a literacy programme
Read a book that has more than 500 pages
Make my bed everyday for at least three months
Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
Master scorpion pose
Attend the symphony
Learn a rap song from start to finish
Host a dinner party
Create a budget so I can pay down my student loans
Create something original
Create a solid workout regime
Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
Learn to dance
Eat an exotic meal
Learn to cook a fancy meal
Yell at a football match
Go horseback riding
Master British spelling and punctuation
Create a good sleep schedule
See my favorite group in concert
Fall in love
Stop holding grudges
Let go of my expectations

I have 349 days to make this happen. I’m excited because on the 6th of April and the 30th of June I will be able to cross number 2 off the list, and I am two weeks into number ten. I’m not holding out much hope for number 20, but hey, stranger things have happened.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 10 and 11

Posted on March 17, 2016 by erranteditor

I’m home. I’m very happy about it. I loved every second of my time in the States, but I feel like the best version of me when I am in Edinburgh, so it feels really really really good to be home. I can’t believe it will be 365 days before I see most of my family again, but I cannot wait to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my nephew’s 1st birthday. That will be worth all the little things I miss being so far away from him. I’ve managed to miss a week of the writing challenge since I spent the end of my trip in Texas, where writing was not my top priority.

Week 10 is dedicated to my favourite quote. That is an easy one.

“Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life – and travel – leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks – on your body or on your heart – are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.”
― Anthony Bourdain, The Nasty Bits: Collected Varietal Cuts, Usable Trim, Scraps, and Bones

I live my life punctuated by the trips that I get to take. It took me ten years to be comfortable with my wanderlust ways, and once I did, life became infinitely better for me. I take in all of the things I learn when I am traveling (or when I’ve moved to a new place) and let it become a part of me. Some of those things hurt, and they hurt a lot, but more often than not, what I take away from my wanderlust ways is beautiful. Even though I have just come back from the States, I am already itching to plan my next trip….I’m thinking Norway, or Paris, or Malta…or all of the above. Someone is going to have to monitor my credit card.

Week 11 is dedicated to something that I think is holding me back.

This one is a little bit harder to nail down. I think my fear of what others think holds me back a lot. I still have some unresolved PTSD and crazy abandonment issues, and until I really sort through those, I think I am very hesitant to make certain choices in my life. My writing is stalled, conferences and travel options aren’t always taken, and I spend a lot of time trying to please others. With the PhD, and a lot of exciting opportunities coming my way, the fear that holds me back could really hurt my timeline. I need to really learn to stop thinking about what others think and start making choices that are best for me. I did it once when I packed up and moved back to Scotland, but I’m not sure I can keep that trend going.

Although I have been 29 for 10 days, I have yet to make my list of 30 things I would like to do before I am 30. I’m stilling working on that, but I promise it will be done soon so I can start ticking things off of it. I think the first one might be to go back to therapy and work on some of my obvious issues.

The Scamp Writes a Letter

Posted on March 14, 2016 by erranteditor

Letter to the Spoiled Bulkhead Brat:

I realize now that you think you are the only one on a crowded flight. I understand that because you are sitting at the bulkhead, there is no one sitting in front of you. I completely understand that because no one is in front of you you forget that there are in fact people sitting behind you. See, what you don’t seem to understand is that the people behind you do not want to have to spend nine hours with you reclined in their lap, or have to refuse dinner because they do not have enough room to get the tray table down. While it is not your fault that British Airways cares more about making money than the comfort of their economy customers, ignoring my request to get out of my lap, and acting like you are the only person who wants to comfortable is something that you can control.

You see, I would love to be comfortable. People with Lupus often have a hard time flying because of all the swelling that goes on. It often makes sitting very uncomfortable. I would love to be able to stretch out and recline, but unlike you, my mother taught me that I am not the center of the universe, and that in situations like a nine hour flight, you have to be considerate of those around you.

I’m ashamed to admit that although my mother taught me manners and the art of basic human courtesy, and my seat has remained in the fully upright position for the comfort of the woman behind me, I have spent the better part of the last 5 hours with my knees pressed into the back of your seat to keep you from being able to recline. I’ve pushed extra hard on the screen to watch movies, shift and readjusted my knees every 20 minutes, and generally tried to make you life miserable. I’ve made passive aggressive comments while standing in front of you waiting for the toilet. After ignoring my request, you have called the stewardess to ‘mediate’ the situation. When she asked me if I was okay with you reclining, I practically shouted “Fuck no! I didn’t pay to have her in my lap” because I knew that you would hear, and so would the people around us.

I’m sorry. Not to you. You can suck my metaphorical dick….in fact, I hope you choke on it. No, I am apologizing to my mother who not only raised me better, but would be ashamed of the way I acted. I’m a 29 year old adult, not a 10 year old child. With two hours left in the flight, and no sleep or comfort in sight, I am going to try and be considerate of those around me and keep my knees to myself.

Yours with eternal scorn and hate fire,

The girl in 27H

The Scamp’s Last Day of Her 28th Year

Posted on March 7, 2016 by erranteditor

Tomorrow (Well, today in Scotland and Australia) I turn 29. The last year of my 20s. The year before I become a real adult. The year I finally get my shit together.

This time last year I had just found out that I had been awarded the position in Scotland, I was getting ready to jump out of an airplane, and I was finally starting to see some hope for my future. Let’s face it, 27 was a really shitty year. The upside of hitting rock bottom though is that you have nowhere to go but up.

28 was a pretty darn good year. I jumped out of a plane, I moved back home to Scotland, started my PhD, reconnected with some of my best friends, made some pretty incredible new friends, and spent more of the year than not really loving life. I got to visit Spain and Portugal, went to England, and got to return to Ireland. I laughed more than I cried, cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner, and finally moved into my own place after two years of living with my parents. I learned the delicate art of negotiating bus timetables, worked on improving my Spanish, and pushed forward as an academic.

Today I started the day with waffles and puppy love by the beach. I got to snark with truly one of the greatest women I know, and the walk along the beach was just long enough for my face to get sunburned. I then spent the rest of the day with my nephew. He’s perfect. I cannot gush enough about this little guy. He let me feed him without a fuss, he slept solidly for a few hours and let his parents get some sleep, and he went for a walk in the sunshine without much of a complaint. I left them before the next feeding and enjoyed a big piece of chocolate birthday cake (I am an adult after all).

I’m looking forward to all of the things that 29 has to offer. I’ve decided that I would like to do 30 new things before I turn 30. I want to make sure that I stay out of the dark and twisty as much as possible. I want to make great strides with my PhD. I want to be a better friend, and a better girlfriend. I want to see some more of the world. Luckily I have 365 days to make these things happen.

The Scamp and the 28th of February

Posted on February 29, 2016 by erranteditor

February 28th is fast becoming my favorite day of the year. Exactly one year ago today I listened to my supervisor Mark as he told me that he would be more than happy to offer me a fully funded position in the Department of Learning and Teaching at Edinburgh Napier University. That Skype call literally saved my life

Today I got to hold my nephew for the first time.

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He’s perfect. He sounds like a goat when he cries, only wants to be with his mama, and I swear, he already knows how to smile. While I have no desire for one of my own, I am totally in love with this little tiny human. I cannot wait until he gets the all clear from the hospital to come home so I can teach him the finer art of snark.

I can’t wait to see what the 28th if February brings me next year (hopefully it is a puppy).

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 8 and 9

Posted on February 27, 2016 by erranteditor

I’m currently sitting in my sister and brother-in-law’s living room in California. It is warm. I’m in shorts and a tank top. I have a belly full of Mexican food.

I am now an aunt.

Since I am a bit behind on the writing challenge, I thought now would be the perfect time to catch up. Week 8 is dedicated to a person that I love.

Let me tell you about the new love of my life Brandon Davis Rodriguez. He made his debut on the 26th of February at 2:22pm. He was 7 lbs 7 oz, and absolutely perfect. He held my hand, and I am pretty sure I melted into a puddle of goo.

He is perfect. He looks like his daddy. Because he decided to cook an extra five days, he was born with some fluid in his lungs, so he is being monitored by the NICU just to make sure he didn’t contract an infection. I haven’t gotten to hold him yet, but him holding my hand for a bit is enough to get me through the 17 hours I waited for labour to work it’s magic, and for all the work that I have put off doing for the last week while I have been in California. I wish that I had more time to spend in California to be with him, but for now, I am going to wrap that baby up in a moby and carry him everywhere with me.

Ughhh. I’m hopelessly in love with this little Branmuffin.

Week 9 is dedicated to something that I would like to learn.

There are a lot of things that I would like to learn. I want to learn how to get past my PTSD. I want to learn how to be a master of SPSS and knock my data analysis out of the park. I want to learn how to be a good partner in romantic relationships, and a less selfish person in friendships. I want to learn how to speak Spanish fluently, and be able to use it in conversation comfortably.

Most importantly, I want to be able to really get a handle on my depression and stop feeling like I live day to day not knowing when or if I am going to fall into a funk. People keep telling me that happiness is a choice, that I can just wake up every morning and choose not to be miserable. I wish it was that simple. I mean, duh, if I had the choice, I would much rather wake up happy and carefree. I like getting out of bed, being productive and enjoying life. I hate that not everyone understands the seriousness of my depression. The one thing I do know is that while I cannot necessarily erase my depression, I can learn how to keep the dark and twisty at bay, and learn to find more joy in the everyday. Therapy will be a big part in that, and daily photo updates of the new love of my life will also help. Once I get a handle on this nonsense, you can best believe I am going to tackle the rest of my list.

On the plus side, since I have been in California I have not felt the least bit out of place, the least bit lost, or the least bit upset. I’ve slept better than I have in months, am getting plenty of family time, and am avoiding people and things that might make me feel bad. I’ve also taken the last week off from anything academic related, so I am feeling pretty relaxed. I like the feeling of being here on vacation, but still feeling like I am part of the day to day happenings with my family. This trip definitely came at the perfect time, and will make me feel really really good when I get back to Scotland and can start kicking ass on my research and data collection.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 6

Posted on February 7, 2016 by erranteditor

In 30 days I will say goodbye 28 and hello to 29. I’m excited about it. 28 was an amazing year for me, and I am finally headed in the right direction. It took me ten years to become comfortable with who I am, and every year I get closer to 30, is a year I figure my shit out.

Or, at least, that is what I tell myself.

The challenge for this week is to write about something I would like to change about myself. I think that on any given day there is a lot that I would like to change about myself. I’d love it if I wasn’t so tired all the time. I’d love it if I had a little more motivation to sit down and write without super strict deadlines. I’d love it if I wasn’t swimming in debt. That last one isn’t really something that I can change about myself. Plus, that debt got me to Scotland, so as much as I stress about it, it really is a good thing.

I guess the one thing that I would change about myself is my negativity. When I’m tired, when I am stressed, when things don’t go the way I want them to with other people, I go right to the dark and twisty. I automatically think the worst, and those thoughts spiral out of control every now and then. I know that I am a major pain in the ass for my friends, family, and the boyfriend every now and then. I would love it if I could override the part of my brain that automatically makes me see the world as glass half empty. Therapy has done a lot to help with it, but for some reason my brain is resisting the new programming. I hope that it is one of the things that I can change before I turn 30. I think I am going to need a lot more therapy to help with that though.

While I ponder the nature of my negativity and how to fix it, I have 12 days before I head back to the United States for the birth of my nephew and the wedding of one of the besties. I’m excited for those events, and to see my family, but I have no real desire to be back in the United States. A seven month break just does not seem to be long enough. It will be interesting to see how I fare once I am there. Hopefully I don’t take the wind and rain with me. I could really use some sunshine.