depression

The Scamp Crosses One off the List

Posted on by erranteditor

Saturday I quit my job.

I’ve finally gotten to the point where I had enough. I’ve been miserable for months, but feel that I had to keep working there so I could pay my bills. With my depression as bad as it is lately, the only way I have a chance to get better is to get rid of the stress in my life.

That is one major stress that I cannot wait to get rid of. Unfortunately the centre requires 30 days notice. The end is in sight though.

In a perfect world they will tell me they don’t need me. In a perfect world I won’t have to work six hours and have to beg for a break.  June 25th cannot come soon enough.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 22

Posted on by erranteditor

I saw a bit of summer yesterday.

For about ten minutes.

Today it is cold again. It will probably rain. I will be sorely tempted to crawl back in bed and not be a productive member of society (okay, it is 2 pm here and I am tempted to do just that). I’m sitting in the local library working on a draft of my paper, writing a speech for a lecture I am hosting on Thursday, and generally avoiding work that needs to be done but I know will be boring and tedious.

I think it may be time for me to stop talking about planning a short trip somewhere and actually plan that short trip somewhere.

The focus of the challenge this week is to write about the last bad day I had. There are many ways I could take that. The last bad day in regards to my health, the last bad day at work, the last bad day I created….the possibilities are endless.

I think the last bad day I had was a month ago. The dark and twisty had gotten really dark and really twisty. I was sad, really tired, and just not feeling like myself. I was getting no work done, making the boy’s life miserable, and generally just being doom and gloom.

That day was horrible. I spent the day working from a friend’s house. I say working, but really, I spent the day crying, being sad, and just wanting cuddles. I didn’t eat, barely slept, and spent the day trying to figure out why I was such a horrible person. Turns out, that bad day was also a very good day for me. It was the universe smacking me upside the head and telling me it was time to stop being a baby and get some real help. I found a therapist that did not have an 8 week wait list, made a list of things that had to be done, and projects that were not as dire, and had a long talk with the boy about my depression.

The outcome of that bad day led me to a good doc, and some appointments with the GP to make sure there isn’t something more serious going on, a really good cry, and not only a good chat with the boy, but some major effort and understanding on his part to be a better boyfriend. The fact that the last bad day was a month ago also makes me feel that I am taking the right steps to get healthy, and that so far, things seem to be working out.

Now, if only I could use that feeling to motivate me enough to transcribe a 2 hour interview with a guy who started every answer with ‘there are two parts to my answer’ without ever actually answering my questions.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 20

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On this day three years ago I was greeted at the airport with a sign that said “Welcome Home Shithead”

I’d finished my coursework for my MSc, had three months to write my dissertation before starting the EdD programme, and had a lot of sunshine to catch up on. My dissertation became my full time job, with breaks for the pool and the gym. I was experiencing reverse culture shock in a major way, and coming off the terrible break-up with David, I was very unsure about my future.

Flash forward to today: I’m sitting on the window ledge in the flat of one of my best friends in Scotland. We have been doing buddy work from home Friday for the last few weeks. I’ve finished a second draft of a paper for my thesis, I have a therapy appointment in a couple of hours, and a study date with the boy this evening.  In 30 days I will celebrate my 1 year anniversary living in Scotland, and will be getting ready for my official transfer of title making me the very first PhD in education at Edinburgh Napier University.

The writing challenge for this week is to think about the ways I have changed in the last year. To be honest, I am not sure I have enough time or space to write about how I have changed in the last year. This time last year I was getting ready to say goodbye to the US. I was packing for Spain and Portugal, I was shipping boxes to Scotland to be here when I arrived, and I was not feeling depressed at all. I thought that all of my problems were solved because I was moving back to the one place in this world that I ever felt like home. I thought I had worked through my issues with the EdD. program, thought I was done with therapy, and thought that I was ready to tackle the world on my own. I was cocky, and living in a bit of a fantasy land.

Today I know that moving doesn’t always solve all your problems, but that they are much easier to deal with when you are happy where you live. I’m not as cocky, and while I still think I can tackle the world, I’ve learned that it is a lot more fun to do with the help and support of others. I’m more open about my depression, and the work that I am doing to manage my symptoms. I’m more open about needing help. I’m learning that it is important not to stop therapy when you feel like you are feeling better, but rather keep going, and keep working on myself so that those good feelings last a lot longer than the bad ones. I learned how to play the political game, which is serving me well this time around.

I’ve changed physically as well. I’ve added 5 tattoos to my body, I’m whiter than I have ever been, and I weigh more now than I ever have. While those last two bother me a bit, I am hoping that with summer just around the corner I can add some color to my skin. The weight bothers me, but as the boy has pointed out, he clearly likes the way I look, and that means I am probably the healthiest I have ever been. While I am very much still a work in progress, I am definitely headed in the right direction. I’d say that have learned so much about myself and the world in the last year that I have undoubtedly become a better person.

I really like the idea that I become a better person with the passing of each new year. I can get behind an idea like that.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge:Week 18

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The weather forecast for the weekend promises warm weather for the weekend.

Well, 53 degrees, which is warm for Scotland. I am working all day Saturday, but you can bet your butt that I will be spending a part of my Sunday outside enjoying the warm weather. I might even wear leggings that end just below the knee (although that might scare people, so I may have to reconsider that option).

I’ve been in a serious funk for the last few weeks, and today I finally get to see the therapist and get back to feeling better. That makes this week’s writing challenge all the more fun. Week 18 is dedicated to something that I like I about myself. While I tempted to say I like my sarcasm and call it a day, there is actually a lot I like about myself.

I think the one trait or feature that I like most about myself is my self-awareness. It took a lot of therapy, and a long time to develop, but now that it is a part of me, I am grateful for it. While I do not always focus on the things that I know, and deal with the problems or the issues that I recognize in a timely manner, I am glad that I can at least spot them. I made the mistake of letting my depression go unchecked here for almost a year, and while I pretended it wasn’t that bad, in the back of my mind I knew that it was something that I needed to take care of.

I would have to say that another thing that I like about myself is that no matter how bad I get, how negative, how sick, or how sad, I seemed to have found a way to make some really strong connections with people. I have some really amazing friends and family that make me own my shit, that sit with me when I cry, and tell me that I don’t have to do anything by myself. My mom is helping me pay for therapy (seriously, my one complaint with health insurance is that it is hard to get mental health covered, and see a doc is expensive), my sister sends me baby pictures and videos everyday, and I get Skype dates as often as I can. I know that says more about them than it does about me, but I like that I was able to make those connections, and that there is something about me that keeps those people from throwing in the towel when I get to be a pain in the ass.

I guess I’m not so bad after all.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 16

Posted on by erranteditor

I’m sitting in a window box.

I’m sitting in a window box of my friend’s house feeling sorry for myself.

My depression has gotten really bad. Really bad. It happens, and when it does, all I want is to be loved on. Instead, I got sent home from work because I was really pale and it is clear I have not been taking care of myself, and I’m pretty sure my relationship just ended.

So the challenge for the week is to write about the best part of my week.

I’m coming up short on this one. I undertook this challenge to follow up with the gratitude challenge that I did last year to help me remind myself that even though things were going wrong in the grad program, there was a lot around me in my life that was going well.

So, on this Friday as I sit in the window box wallowing in my depression, I guess the best part of my week was last night.

I met a cat named Loki last night. He was really friendly. I’m not sure how he got into the building, but he met me when I walked in. I’m a sucker, and I was sad, so I sat down to pet him. He rubbed on me and purred, and when it was clear no one was looking for him in the building, I let him follow me up the three flights of stairs and into my place. He spent about 10 minutes wandering around my place checking things out and occasionally coming back to me to rub and purr. I would have let him stay the night, but he had collar with an address, so I took him back downstairs and let him out back into the world.

I guess in the grand scheme of things my life is not that bad. I am living in Scotland, which is pretty fucking awesome. I have a job, my PhD is progressing nicely, and even though the depression is getting the better of me right now, my health is okay.

I just wish I could rewind to the beginning of March when I was in California soaking up the sun, hanging out with my muffin, and not surrounded by my never ending cycle of negative thoughts.

Now I would love to fast forward two year to when I am getting my degree and can figure out my next move.

Beach bum. That is still a viable career option right?

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 14

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Today I taught myself how to sew. Turns out, it really isn’t that hard.

Well, threading the needle was a bit of a challenge, but once I got my hands working properly, and all the knots in place, it was not the scary undertaking I thought it would be. half an hour and three buttons later, my jacket is wearable again.

I am counting today as a success.

The challenge for the week is to discuss something in my life that is stressful. It might as well have been a challenge for me to write about something that is not stressing me out. I’m so good with stress, that most of the time I don’t even realize that I am stressed. To be honest, the one thing that is stressing me out the most right now is my mental health. I’m not managing it well right now, and because of that, I am worried about everything from my relationship, my friendships, and my work. While I’ve been working with my depression for awhile, lately I have been having a hard time making the good stretches last.

This stresses me out because I know that I have a problem, but I can’t seem to come out on top of it. People are always telling me that happiness is a choice, and that I can wake up everyday and choose to be happy. Unfortunately for me, it just doesn’t work that way. I know that I have a good life, I know that ‘on paper’ I have no reason to be depressed, but I am all the same. What stresses me out is the never-ending cycle. I know what I need to do to be healthy, I know what I should avoid doing and saying, but lately, I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like I am writing about the dark and twisty every week, and feel like when I get a handle on it, I then fall back into my negative thoughts.

If I could put half the energy into my work that I do to the dark and twisty, I would have an amazing paper right now.

On the plus side, I have started my adventure to cross another thing off my list of 30 things to do before I turn 30. I have found a series of yoga classes that will help me with scorpion pose. I really wish that I had picked an easier pose. My neck and back hate me right now. I’m glad that I have a whole lot of time between now and my 30th birthday.

The Scamp’s Last Day of Her 28th Year

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Tomorrow (Well, today in Scotland and Australia) I turn 29. The last year of my 20s. The year before I become a real adult. The year I finally get my shit together.

This time last year I had just found out that I had been awarded the position in Scotland, I was getting ready to jump out of an airplane, and I was finally starting to see some hope for my future. Let’s face it, 27 was a really shitty year. The upside of hitting rock bottom though is that you have nowhere to go but up.

28 was a pretty darn good year. I jumped out of a plane, I moved back home to Scotland, started my PhD, reconnected with some of my best friends, made some pretty incredible new friends, and spent more of the year than not really loving life. I got to visit Spain and Portugal, went to England, and got to return to Ireland. I laughed more than I cried, cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner, and finally moved into my own place after two years of living with my parents. I learned the delicate art of negotiating bus timetables, worked on improving my Spanish, and pushed forward as an academic.

Today I started the day with waffles and puppy love by the beach. I got to snark with truly one of the greatest women I know, and the walk along the beach was just long enough for my face to get sunburned. I then spent the rest of the day with my nephew. He’s perfect. I cannot gush enough about this little guy. He let me feed him without a fuss, he slept solidly for a few hours and let his parents get some sleep, and he went for a walk in the sunshine without much of a complaint. I left them before the next feeding and enjoyed a big piece of chocolate birthday cake (I am an adult after all).

I’m looking forward to all of the things that 29 has to offer. I’ve decided that I would like to do 30 new things before I turn 30. I want to make sure that I stay out of the dark and twisty as much as possible. I want to make great strides with my PhD. I want to be a better friend, and a better girlfriend. I want to see some more of the world. Luckily I have 365 days to make these things happen.

 

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 8 and 9

Posted on by erranteditor

I’m currently sitting in my sister and brother-in-law’s living room in California. It is warm. I’m in shorts and a tank top. I have a belly full of Mexican food.

I am now an aunt.

Since I am a bit behind on the writing challenge, I thought now would be the perfect time to catch up. Week 8 is dedicated to a person that I love.

Let me tell you about the new love of my life Brandon Davis Rodriguez. He made his debut on the 26th of February at 2:22pm. He was 7 lbs 7 oz, and absolutely perfect. He held my hand, and I am pretty sure I melted into a puddle of goo.

He is perfect. He looks like his daddy. Because he decided to cook an extra five days, he was born with some fluid in his lungs, so he is being monitored by the NICU just to make sure he didn’t contract an infection. I haven’t gotten to hold him yet, but him holding my hand for a bit is enough to get me through the 17 hours I waited for labour to work it’s magic, and for all the work that I have put off doing for the last week while I have been in California. I wish that I had more time to spend in California to be with him, but for now, I am going to wrap that baby up in a moby and carry him everywhere with me.

Ughhh. I’m hopelessly in love with this little Branmuffin.

Week 9 is dedicated to something that I would like to learn.

There are a lot of things that I would like to learn. I want to learn how to get past my PTSD. I want to learn how to be a master of SPSS and knock my data analysis out of the park. I want to learn how to be a good partner in romantic relationships, and a less selfish person in friendships. I want to learn how to speak Spanish fluently, and be able to use it in conversation comfortably.

Most importantly, I want to be able to really get a handle on my depression and stop feeling like I live day to day not knowing when or if I am going to fall into a funk. People keep telling me that happiness is a choice, that I can just wake up every morning and choose not to be miserable. I wish it was that simple. I mean, duh, if I had the choice, I would much rather wake up happy and carefree. I like getting out of bed, being productive and enjoying life. I hate that not everyone understands the seriousness of my depression. The one thing I do know is that while I cannot necessarily erase my depression, I can learn how to keep the dark and twisty at bay, and learn to find more joy in the everyday. Therapy will be a big part in that, and daily photo updates of the new love of my life will also help. Once I get a handle on this nonsense, you can best believe I am going to tackle the rest of my list.

On the plus side, since I have been in California I have not felt the least bit out of place, the least bit lost, or the least bit upset. I’ve slept better than I have in months, am getting plenty of family time, and am avoiding people and things that might make me feel bad. I’ve also taken the last week off from anything academic related, so I am feeling pretty relaxed. I like the feeling of being here on vacation, but still feeling like I am part of the day to day happenings with my family. This trip definitely came at the perfect time, and will make me feel really really good when I get back to Scotland and can start kicking ass on my research and data collection.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 3

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Week 3 and I have managed to get everything written on during the week it was meant to be written….there is hope for me yet. Week 3 is dedicated to the little things that make me happy.

Honestly, this list is endless. I really enjoy the little things.

I had a minor PhD setback last week, and it really threw me. I have been working really hard to try and get myself out of my dark and twisty, and thought I was making it work…kinda. I feel like the last two months have been consumed by my depression. I’ve been spiraling down into the dark and twisty, and because it is always a thing, I feel like it has dominated my life. It permeates everything  from my work, to my friendships and relationships, and even my sleep patterns. My work, while it has been getting done (Well, minus the two week break I took at Christmas) it has not been getting done very well.

Last week it all caught up to me. I applied for a research position on campus that would allow me to quit the tutoring center and pay off my loan faster. Because people in the office were so excited about it, I had gotten very excited by the idea of having the job. My supervisor pulled me into his office though and ripped the skin off my hide for not telling him that I had applied for the job, and for the fact that working part time would take away from my PhD and I would not become an expert in my field if I was not devoting 100% to my work. He questioned me about my financial situation, and I was forced to admit that I need the job to pay my loan payment. I do not like admitting that I am in debt.

I also hate the feeling of failure that I left that meeting with. I do not like to fail at anything….especially when I know that I have been putting in a lot of effort, and trying my damnedest to produce something that will make people proud. I’ve already been stressed about the work that I am doing, and already feeling down, so when I cried in the break room over a cup of tea last week, no one was surprised (okay, so my colleague who had to deliver the bad news that I wasn’t eligible for the job was surprised, but she was really really lovely about it).

I wanted to curl up in bed and just call it a day.

I wanted to sign up for sugardaddies.com and find some rich old man to pay my bills.

I wanted someone to give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright.

I wanted someone to make it alright.

So this is where the challenge comes in. The little things that make me happy.

Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate makes me happy. A little cup of hot chocolate makes me everything better. I had a small cup today while I had my PhD supervisory meeting, and even though I had to rehash the job situation again, I managed to do it without crying this time.

I like that my friends and family check up on me. I get texts and messages asking after me, or sending me funny pictures. I love that. It makes me feel appreciated, and it makes me laugh.

I like it when my favorite song comes on my ipod. In the same line, I love finding Spotify playlists  that have songs I loved when I was younger, or ones that relax me while I am trying to do yoga.

I love puppy and kitten videos. Seriously, that is the only reason that the internet was invented as far as I am concerned.

I like that I have moments when I forget to be sad. I’ll laugh at a joke, watch a dumb movie, or read a trashy romance novel and not get stuck in the dark and twisty.

I like dinners out with my friends. I may not want to share my tacos with you, but I want to share my bubble.

I like that when I do posts like this, I laugh a little, and remember that all in all, things in my life are pretty freaking fantastic.

That makes everything worth it.

The Scamp Starts a New Challenge

Posted on by erranteditor

In 2015 I did 52 weeks of gratitude to help ease my depression. I did not always meet the goal of one post a week, but I completed all 52 posts, and I think that there were weeks where the posts really did help me stay out of the dark and twisty.

I have decided that because on my own I am not always motivated to sit down and do some writing I will spend the year completing another challenge. Consider this week one.

This challenge is not necessarily focused on the things that I am grateful for, but it is just some prompts to get me writing in between my fun adventures as an expat….not that there have been that many adventures in the first four days of the new year.

Back to the point.

The first post of the new challenge is to write an introduction. If there is one thing that I am good at, it is talking about myself.

Here goes….

Let’s start with the basics: My name is Kimberly, but people only call me that when I am in trouble. Most people call me Kim. Those in my inner circle call me Bito or Kimbo, and I have recently acquired the nicknames Kimkwat and Bubble. I’m of average height on a good day, and next to my 6’5 manpanion, I am downright tiny. The biggest thing on my body is my mouth, but my eyes come in a close second because my eyesight is complete shite and my glasses are like magnifying glasses. I keep my hair long, and when I spend enough time in the sun, all of my freckles come out to play.

It has taken me ten years (and a lot of therapy), but I have finally come to accept my status as a gypsy soul. I have an unquenchable wanderlust, and while it usually takes the form of packing up my things and moving to a new city every four years, I think I have finally found a place to put some semi permanent roots in Scotland. This is probably the only place I have ever felt at home. Even on my worst days here, I see the lush countryside, get a view of the castle, or go for a walk around the canal by my flat and my little grinch heart grows a little. My favorite possession is my passport, and I cannot understand people who have no desire to travel and see the world.

I have Lupus. It really isn’t something to brag about, it isn’t even something I really like to talk about, but it is a tiny part of who I am. I take about 8 medications during the day to keep me going, but on the whole, I’d say I am making it work. I get into some real tired funks, and lord help me when I am stressed, but on the whole, I’d say Lupus hasn’t kept me from anything. In addition to the Lupus, I have depression. I get deep in the dark and twisty sometimes, and therapy, yoga, and antidepressants have been a lifesaver…literally. I hate it when people tell me that being depressed is a choice, or that I don’t seem like someone who would be depressed. I fully recognize that I have a pretty charmed life, and that there is a lot of good surrounding me, and trust me, if I didn’t have to feel this way, I wouldn’t it. Unfortunately it has an effect on my relationships, my work, and sometimes my ability to get out of bed. I’m working really hard to keep it at bay, and I am lucky that I have a support system that helps me when it gets bad.

I worry about everything. Overthinking is my national passtime, and I if stressing was exercise I’d be the thinnest person I know.

I enjoy writing. I have an MA in writing, worked as a college professor, and actually like spending time with my blog. If I thought I could make money as a writer, I would be an author and write everything and anything….except poetry. No one needs to read my poetry.

I want a puppy more than most women my age want a husband and kids. I suck at relationships. I get attached quickly, I have unrealistic expectations, and I can’t always communicate my feelings in a form other than sarcasm and sass. A dog doesn’t care about that. Dogs walk off leash here, and I love it when I have the chance to get slobbered on by one. I want one of my own to come home to and take walks with. That is better than a baby or a boyfriend any day (and I know that I am in a relationship thing at present, but I’m not feeling like I’m doing so well in that department, and I think I would be a killer dog trainer). I also want a penguin, kitty, baby goat, and an otter. Basically I want a zoo.

No matter how many times it bites me in the ass, I am a very reactionary person. I’m working on fixing that….it is a slow process.

I’m obsessed with yoga. I want to get my certification so I can be a teacher and teach yoga. It isn’t huge here, but there are people that do it, and I think I could make it a thing.

I’ve got big plans for my life. Everytime I think I have it figured out, something goes haywire and I find a new trail, but this time I think I finally know the direction I need to head in.All  I need now is a British guy to marry me and I could put my plans into motion.