Family | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and Christmas

Posted on December 25, 2014 by erranteditor

It is not really Christmas at the Wilder-Davis-Rodriguez House of Chaos until someone says fuck at the dinner table. That honor went to me again this year. I’m going on a four year winning streak.

This year’s winning phrase: Bill Fucking Murry.

This photo sums up Christmas for me. I’m entirely sober and hyperventilating over a joke my brother told

Happy Christmas from the Wilder-Davis-Rodriguez House of Chaos

My sister and her husband took a “couples” picture, as did my parents. I took a “couples” picture with the most important male in my life

15 years of photos like this. Typical Wilder Children

My Christmas present this year was two tickets to see the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and a plane ticket to Spain. Needless to say, it was a very happy Christmas

Happy Christmas everyone. I hope that you are as lucky as I am and get to spend the day surrounded by people that you love.

The Scamp and Passover

Posted on April 16, 2014 by erranteditor

This week marks the Jewish celebration of Passover.

For those who don’t know anything about the holiday, here is what Chabod says about it:

After many decades of slavery to the Egyptian pharaohs, during which time the Israelites were subjected to backbreaking labor and unbearable horrors, G‑d saw the people’s distress and sent Moses to Pharaoh with a message: “Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me.” But despite numerous warnings, Pharaoh refused to heed G‑d’s command. G‑d then sent upon Egypt ten devastating plagues, afflicting them and destroying everything from their livestock to their crops.

At the stroke of midnight of 15 Nissan in the year 2448 from creation (1313 BCE), G‑d visited the last of the ten plagues on the Egyptians, killing all their firstborn. While doing so, G‑d spared the Children of Israel, “passing over” their homes—hence the name of the holiday. Pharaoh’s resistance was broken, and he virtually chased his former slaves out of the land. The Israelites left in such a hurry, in fact, that the bread they baked as provisions for the way did not have time to rise. Six hundred thousand adult males, plus many more women and children, left Egypt on that day, and began the trek to Mount Sinai and their birth as G‑d’s chosen people.

So now that you’ve had a history lesson, you can get the Scamp’s interpretation of Passover. For me, it is a chance to get together with my family and take pictures like this one:

Plague sandwich anyone?

Last year I didn’t celebrate Passover in Scotland. I was trying to deal with heartstompapoolza, and trying to make the most of the time I had left in the city. This year, I am spending the day in class. I spent the first night at a baseball game, and accidentally ate a hot dog. While I am not kosher, I’m sure that eating pork on a Jewish holiday is frowned upon somewhere. I was appropriately greeted with locust. We laughed and had a great time at the game, and with the fact that I am a bad Jew, and that would not have happened if we were at a formal seder.

I’m spending the second night in class. I fact, I am writing this from class when I should be paying attention to leadership styles and human resources.

While I am not spending the holiday at a big family dinner the way we usually do, I have to admit that I am not sad about it. I often feel a little fake at the family dinners because I do not consider myself religious in the traditional sense, and lately, I have not been feeling particularly interested in mixing with more than my immediate family. In fact, I didn’t feel bad about being passed over on the invite list for the family dinner. I have four weeks left in the semester and have enough on my plate.

I got to spend last night with my family, and at the end of the day, whether we did it around a table with a formal seder, or in the bleachers at a baseball game, so I consider the holiday a success.

Chag Sameach everyone.

The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

Posted on April 4, 2014 by erranteditor

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better. One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.

The Scamp Gets Overwhelmed

Posted on March 13, 2014 by erranteditor

I’ve become THAT girl.

I’ve become that creepy girl that sits at the back of the room rocking and chewing on her hair.

Yesterday I imploded in the middle of class. One minute I was in class listening to book report presentations, and the next minute I was sobbing uncontrollably and hastily running out of my class before too many people noticed what was going on.

I cried for the next 40 minutes. I cried so hard I gave myself the hiccups. I cried on the phone with the boy, and while he was nice about it, it was not exactly what he should have been doing at 7 pm on a Tuesday. I was a mess. This has been building for months, and it sure chose the worst time to come through. I’m not exactly good with my feelings and emotions. I like to keep things bottled up and pretend that things don’t bother me when they do. For the last few months I have been trying to juggle three jobs, school, homework, a social life and the boy, and my juggling skills have finally run out.

There is a reason that the program told us at the beginning to not be in relationships, to take a sabbatical from work, and to kiss our social lives goodbye. This program sucks the life out of you. It will consume you. The reading, the studying, the writing, the prepping for the qualifying exam, and then for my dissertation….it never ends. I expected it. I knew that I would be busy, I knew that it would be hard, but to be in the middle of it now while trying to juggle other things. While the program was slowly sucking the life out of me, I let myself fall into old habits. The sucky thing is, when I get into these bouts of depression, I tend to ruin relationships. I can already feel myself doing that. Without insurance though, I cannot afford to see a doc, and some of the affordable options have not been a good fit (I guess that is a good enough reason to sign up for insurance).

The problem is, I’m selfish. I may want to quit the program at this very moment, but I am not going to. I may want to quit one or two of my jobs, but I am not going to. The library pays my bills for the moment, I love working with the junior high kids, and the professor I work for is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She is also giving me the opportunity to publish, learn, and immerse myself in research. I should not go to SD and see the boy, or hang out with people for happy hour, but I am not going to give those up. I love my friends and family, and I love the boy the best way I know how, and I don’t want to let any of that go.

The problem is, instead of doing everything that I learned to do while I was in therapy in Scotland, I reverted. I don’t know how to keep that from happening. I don’t know how to reconcile what I know I need to do with what I am doing.

Luckily I have some amazing friends and family to help see me through. My BFF has been giving me just the kick in the pants I need (and enough daily reminders that I am not in fact a broken toy) to keep me from crawling too deep into the hole. I’m also getting to the gym and getting some weekly yoga classes that are helping me work off some of the tension, and I am really hoping that I can make a lasting change, rather than just a change I thought was lasting.

I hate admitting that I failed….well not failed, but suffered a setback. I like to think of myself as strong and perfect, completely capable of taking care of myself, but I am slowly learning in my old age that that might not be the case.

….and that is completely okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhGRjWvnkD0

The Scamps Confronts Some Uncomfortable Feelings

Posted on February 6, 2014 by erranteditor

We called her Dragon Lady.

We mocked her love for ugly rooster adorned objects. In fact, we had a rooster tile that we use to pass around the family at Christmas time and laugh when she didn’t get the joke.

She once told a room of strangers that the best way to tell me and Kelly apart was to look at our faces. Mine was fat.

She used to ask my mom what her and my dad possibly had to talk about since he never went to college (as revolting as the thought is, I always wish my mom had said that they don’t need to talk during sex so it didn’t matter).

She belittled my family as often as possible, and constantly bragged about how wonderful her children and grandchildren were.

She lied about her age. She subtracted 10 years from her age, and it wasn’t until almost 20 years later that anyone knew how old she really was.

She got cancer, and then got incredibly ill. She had round the clock nurses, and my granddad was forced to care for her because her family was nowhere to be seen. He himself is in his 90s and dealing with stomach cancer, but put all of that on hold to take care of her.

Today she died.

I would love to say that I was sad when I heard the news. I would even love to say that I was surprised. We all knew that this was coming, and the first thing that I thought of was, “Now granddad is free! Now he can take care of himself. Now he can go see the Crazyhorse monument because he doesn’t have to be tethered to her care.”

In truth, I felt nothing. I am glad that she is not in pain anymore, and not miserable. I am glad that the stress and suffering that came with taking care of her is over, but other than that, I felt nothing about hearing the news. I am having a large internal debate today on whether or not I should be more sad, and whether or not my reaction to her passing is okay. I did not like her, and in the last five years have seen her maybe twice. Should I be sad? Should I offer to do things for my dad should he need it?

Feelings. Sometimes they suck.

The Scamp Reaches

Posted on January 30, 2014 by erranteditor

Today I sound like a strangled goose. The cold came out of nowhere, and I feel icky. I think the boy gave it to me, but in truth, I am sure the stress of the last few weeks didn’t help. I tried to muscle through work today, but I did not get as much done as I would like.

The problem with feelings like this is I tend to get sucked into the negative. I throw a little pity party, and wallow in my feelings until they drive me crazy. I’d like to say that it is just the winter blues, but since California has yet to have a cold day.When I was in Scotland, I recognized that I needed some help, and I was strong enough in my surroundings to get the help. The little wellness center tucked between the walls of a souvenir shop and an Indian restaurant helped me discover that not only was I not crazy, but I wasn’t broken either.

I don’t have that support system here. Sure, I have my family and a few really good friends here, but without insurance, I have been reluctant to seek the help, even just for a check in and a reminder that I am not as batshit crazy as I think I am.

My class being cancelled, lapses in planning and organization, and the overwhelming urge to stick my head in the sand has made me rethink that reluctance.

Luckily I am surrounded by people that encourage me to do what I need to do to get through the days. Two of my best friends have been more than willing to talk to me about the benefits of professional help, and that hiding in bed all day is not a good idea.

In the meantime, a little snuggling with my cat will have to get me through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhGRjWvnkD0

The Scamp at Christmas

Posted on December 26, 2013 by erranteditor

This time last year I was giving up my family traditions to stay in a failing relationship. I spent Christmas day driving to San Diego to spend the day with the weasel’s family. This time last year I was locked in a viscous battle over a Christmas tree, and whether or not it was really necessary for me to pursue a doctoral degree. This time last year, I made the choice not to apply to stay in Scotland. To top it off, at this time last year I was being robbed. I lost books, a necklace of high sentimental value, and my laptop. The laptop had three years worth of research that had been sorted, coded, and parceled out to make changes for my dissertation. This time last year I was trying to figure out how I was going to write a final in two days that I had been working on for a month. I had no money, no job, and no clue how to deal with all of the stress.

This time last year, I was miserable.

What a difference a year makes.

This year I got to spend Christmas with my family. I didn’t have to look at a clock, didn’t have to force myself to drive to someone else’s house, and did not have to give up any of my favorite traditions. I decorated a tree, was vastly inappropriate at the dinner table with my cousins, and didn’t have to skip on seeing a movie with my parents. This year I was able to get a teaching job on top of my library job, and successfully completed my first semester of the my doctoral degree. This year I was not stressed about money, about deadlines, or about making someone else happy.

This year, I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas.

My hope is that the people around me are getting exactly what they want for Christmas as well. I have more than 7 readers this year from all over the world, so I hope that everyone is enjoying their day, however they choose to spend it.

Happy holidays everyone, from one wanderlust filled scamp to all of the amazing people that interact with my ramblings.

The Scamp Completely Completes Her Dissertation

Posted on August 15, 2013 by erranteditor

Exactly 4 months after I sat at my desk in Scotland and wrote a rough outline for a potential research project, my final draft is complete. No more editing, no more counting words or triple checking references, and no more children’s literature for a long long time. As of 11:30 pm Pacific Standard Time, my labor of love is now in the hands of my readers…..or at least in the in-box of my supervisor and the secretary in the front office who is going to print my hard copies.

It is too late in the evening for me to be super excited, but I am very very very happy with the final product. I think it is some of the strongest work I have ever written, and it is much better than my last dissertation (or thesis as it is called here). Tomorrow, I will do the happy dance and try to get everyone I know to read it and tell me how awesome I am.

On the bright side, I now have 8-10 hours in my day that are free….well at least for the next 7 days. I have a stack of novels waiting for me to read them, and the weatherman tells me we are all set for a heat wave. If you listen closely, you can hear the pool calling my name.

In case anyone is dying of curiosity about what my paper is about, here is the abstract:

‘¿Como frijole?’ or ‘How you bean?’ Is Not a Greeting:

How the Use of Critical Literacy Can Raise Elementary School Teachers’ Awareness of the Picture Books they are Presenting in the Classroom

This study was aimed at adding to the field of critical literacy analysis by highlighting the importance of analyzing cultural representations of Mexico in children’s picture books. Gary Soto’s (1995) Chato’s Kitchen and Judy Schachner’s (2005) Skippyjon Jones in the Doghouse were used as two examples of how Mexican culture is represented in children’s picture books. The aim of this research is to highlight the importance of analyzing critically the picture books before they are presented to students in the classroom. Teachers can encourage cultural sensitivity among their students by choosing culturally sensitive picture books to read in the classroom. Two pages from each of the stories were analyzed with special attention given to how the authors and illustrators used color, texture, layout and characters to represent Mexican culture. In addition to the visual text, I analyzed how the use of Spanish words affected the representation of Mexican culture.

This study starts with a review of critical pedagogy, critical literacy analysis, and critical media analysis. Important research and scholars are highlighted, as well as the definition of critical literacy analysis that was utilized for the purpose of this study. Because picture books are analyzed, literature on children’s literature and picture books was also analyzed. The study concludes with a reflexive discussion on the importance of content and analysis and action research, as well as how the example of analysis used in this study can be used to analyze cultural representation in any picture book. I conclude with a reflection on the importance of using critical literacy analysis to encourage cultural sensitivity.

If that isn’t enough, I’ll even show you the pages that I analyzed.

Skippyjon Jones in the Doghouse

Chato’s Kitchen

If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, then use it as a cure for insomnia. I promise that Chapter Two will put you to sleep before you can finish reading about critical literacy analysis.

I would like to thank my family and friends for letting me sit in my office with my headphones on and ignore them, for feeding me and entertaining me on breaks, pretending to understand what I was writing about ,and to my mommy for reading the whole thing to make sure all the commas were in place and all the words were in a proper order.

A Scamp and Cars

Posted on July 9, 2013 by erranteditor

I’ve been doing a lot of driving lately. I used to love being in the car. I spent a lot of time as the DD in college, and always loved the chance to drive my friends’ cars. When I was home visiting my parents, I would drive my mommy around running errands or going to dinner. I spent most of high school driving Kelly everywhere because she refused to get a licence. The craziest thing I did was drive an hour and a half one way to work two days a week. I’d put on a podcast, cruise to work and enjoy my drive along the coast (okay, that had more to do with my want to teach and not my love of driving).

When I moved to Scotland though, I stopped driving. I practically stopped taking any form of public transportation altogether. I fell in love with walking….even in the snow. I still listened to podcasts, but now instead of driving way too fast down the freeway, I was walking up and down hills and down quite streets. I learned how to walk in wind without getting knocked over, learned how to avoid ice patches, and how to really use my feet as a mode of transportation. I fell in love with walking. I decided that when I came back to the States, I would try and walk wherever and whenever I could.

Of course, that plan went out the window. Brea, and California in general is not really set up for people who like to walk. Sure, San Francisco is a good place for that, but one city not really enough to sway me. I find myself in the car a lot, and besides being expensive, I found that I have lost my defensive driving urge. Since I have been home I have been cut off more times than I can count, just about rear ended and sideswiped, sat on a closed freeway so cops could finish a car chase and got hit by a guy on a bike (I also busted one of my mother’s tires, but I would like to think that it was the nail that did it, and not me). A 20 minute drive to the gym is now enough to give me a headache.

I miss walking. I never got hurt walking.

There is another reason that I don’t really like cars right now. I lost a cousin in a car crash yesterday. She was only 23. I had only met her once, but she was really friendly and had a great personality. She was newly married and has a 3 month old son. Her husband has a broken leg and pelvis, and a broken heart thinking he killed his wife. He keeps thinking that if he didn’t take her out for the first time since their son was born, none of this would have happened. I can’t imagine how much pain he is in right now.

This is why I miss walking. While I know that it is just as easy to get hurt walking, people are so careless with their driving around here that driving gets more and more stressful.If you crash into someone while you are walking, chances are, damage will be minimal. If you crash into someone with your car, chances are the damage will be much more severe.

My family is small, and seems to be getting smaller everyday. So I ask, lovely readers, please be careful when you drive and be nice to your family, no matter how crazy they make you.

A Scamp on Stage

Posted on June 14, 2013 by erranteditor

I’m famous…and this time it is more than just in my own mind. Earlier in the week the mom, the seeester and I drove to Hollywood to see one of our favorite shows on stage.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is not only an awesome movie, but has been made into a more awesome play. The movie was a favorite of my grandma, and when we saw an ad for the play, my mom and I knew that we had to get tickets. For those of you who do not know the awesomeness that is Priscilla, watch this and then go rent the movie:

For those of you who have seen the movie, but have yet to see the play, here is a little taste of what you will see:

The show was amazing from start to finish. The music was great, the costumes were fun, and the seats were amazing. At intermission the show got even better. The production crew canvased the audience looking for people who wanted to go on stage during the show to dance with the actors. Of course, I immediately volunteered myself and Kelly for the job. We got to be backstage, see some of the actors, and then go onstage at the Pantages Theater and dance a crazy little country jig.

For those of you who say, “Pics or it didn’t happen”

My new dress made a great debut, and Kelly’s butt has never looked better. We had fun, and despite my Jewish White Girl Rhythm, I didn’t fall on my face or embarrass myself. I even got to dance with a very lovely drag queen.

It was just the boost I needed from my little funk. I had a good time with my mom and sister, got to enjoy some great drag queens, and got a little break from my routine of procrastination.

Today I spent the day amerced in the fine world of professional development for reading teachers and literacy experts. Many of the articles that I read were filled with points and suggestions that made me say, “duh!”, but that thought was comforting to me because it means that I might actually be able to make a reasonable contribution to the field of education.

Of course that could be leftover excitement from being on stage, or the massive amounts of sun that I have been getting, but I am going to hope that my more productive feelings might actually help me get some words on paper (or words on to computer screen) for my project.

I only need 15,000 more words….no big deal, right?