grad school

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 31 and 32

Posted on by erranteditor

I am in Scotland. For good this time. I have been here for 4 whole days. I’ve managed to get almost everything I need in terms of housewares and food stuffs, I’ve got one of my boxes, and have made it to and from work twice without getting lost. That last one is a big one because I had to navigate the bus system, and figure out the closest stop to my work since the building is hidden in a slightly shady industrial area. I cannot begin to explain how good it feels to actually be sitting at my desk working (although it will be much better when I have internet at home and can work from there a few days a week). I have heaps of things to do, and although I am still not 100% sure I know what I am doing, I have a month to get things in order. I have a list of things of emails to send, meetings to attend, and a presentation to give. I’ve just been named the face of TESTA for the university.

You may now henceforth call me the queen of TESTA. I want a tiara….and minions. Lots of minions.

But, back to the gratitude challenge.  Week 31 is all about my core values. The one core value that I would have to say that I am most proud of is my belief in adventure. My life is centred around adventure, whether it be my crazy wanderlust, or the risk that I am willing to take for my career (I mean, I did just pack up my life and move to Scotland for my chance at my dream career in higher education). That sense of adventure has provided me with some life changing experiences, and some pretty fantastic memories. That  belief in the value of adventure is what keeps me going some days. Planning a new trip, encouraging people to travel, talking to people who are also adventurous, it makes me happy. I hope that when I am in my 80s I will still have that wanderlust.

This week, Week 32 is dedicated to a city that I have visited. I have been lucky enough to visit a lot of cities, but I think one that really stands out is Boston. The Boston trip was scheduled at a time when I thought I was going to need a break from the CSUF program, and it was the perfect opportunity to see one of my best friends while she was in the States for a week. By the time the trip actually came, it was a good break from being depressed about the expulsion, and it was during that trip that I interviewed for my current position. The city was under 8 feet of snow, but that did not diminish the fun that we had for three days. Sus and I saw a lot of fun things and ate some really great food, and both got jobs out of the experience. It was a turning point in the year for me. It changed the direction of my life. I want to go back to the city again one day and see the city when it is not buried under snow, but it will always hold a special place in my heart as the city that redirected my life toward something better.

Once the internet is set up at home, I will get back to consistent posting about all of the great stuff that has been going on since I got back to Scotland.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 22

Posted on by erranteditor

Week 22 is something that I use everyday.

There are a lot of things that I use everyday that I am grateful for, but the one thing that I can think of right now is my laptop. Right now, I’m using my laptop to write this post, I’m watching a movie, and pretending to work on some research for my dissertation (I mean, I am working on it, the tabs are open and everything). In a month I will use my laptop to watch TV, listen to music, write, and videochat with my family. It is going to become an important part of my life.

Who am I kidding? It already is an important part of my life. I’m currently on laptop number 4.

Laptop number one was a present from my parents when I graduated high school. It was a Sony Vaio.  It didn’t have a webcam, it had a detachable battery with a two hour lifespan, and it was heavy as shit. I use to sit at my desk in Calaveras Hall and write papers and send my mom endless and endless amounts of email. I watched movies on it, listened to music on it, and put together my senior thesis on Mark Twain, and my applications for grad school. the battery finally gave out after 4 years of constant use, I got an upgraded model as a graduation present.

Number 2 was still heavy, had a pretty crap battery life, but had a webcam for Skyping, had better speakers, and had a wood-grain type finish that made it a little fancier. I wrote my MA thesis on that baby, and took it with me to Scotland. Of course, when I got robbed on Christmas a few years ago, it was taken from me. I lost everything. Pictures, music, papers. I failed a class because of that stolen laptop.

Number 3 was a gift from David to make up for the fact that 2 got stolen. It was a Dell, and I loved it. We had matching laptops. It had Windows 8, a flashy webcam, internal battery, and was super light and easy to carry. I toted that thing all over Scotland, to Estonia, Latvia, and California. I wrote my best piece of academic writing on it, used it for everything, and it helped me survive Cal State Fullerton. I loved it.

Two weeks ago, Number 3 blew up. A fan broke, and it made what the Geek Squad guy called the “Rattle of Death”. So now, I have number 4. It is a bit bigger, lacks a CD drive (apparently I am a dinosaur for still wanting one), but is a touch screen, which makes life interesting. I am doing my research for Scotland on it, I will very shortly write my 300th post on it, and it will house all of my memories of my new life in Scotland.

My grandma, and now my mom always says that things happen for a reason. I believe that Number three blew up so I would not take anything that was connected to my life with David, or Cal State Fullerton with me back to Scotland.

I’m going to take as a sign that my life motto has yet to steer me wrong.

“Breathe in the good shit, breathe out the bad shit”

My laptop is my good shit, and I am extremely grateful for it.

The Scamp’s Last Day of Her 27th Year

Posted on by erranteditor

I’m going to go on record and say 27 has by far been the worst year of my life. I think I cried 300 of the 365 days since my last birthday, and I am not sad that it has come to an end. I spent the day avoiding work and judging a speech and debate tournament at the community college. It was not the most exciting day, but it was not a bad day.

Normally I would list all of the horrible things that happened to me while I was 27, but instead, I am going to choose this moment to do Week 10 of the Gratitude Challenge. It is a much better use of my time. The challenge for this week is to list 5 things that I like about myself. I’m not completely sure I can think of 5 things that go beyond the superficial, but I am going to give it a shot.

1. I like that I have found a way to make my students enjoy grammar. Last semester it was touch and go, but with a little humor (and some cat videos) I have managed to really get the concepts through to my students. They give me the courtesy laugh when my jokes are corny, and a few of them actually ask questions during the lectures.

2. I like that I can read trashy detective novels and watch bad reality TV without actually losing brain cells. I watch a lot of reality TV when I am stressed, and the last year has been extremely stressful. Despite all of that, I still feel like I have a good amount of intelligence left.

3. On the superficial level, I really like my nose. When I was younger, I thought my nose was huge. I thought that it was long and gave me a horrible profile. Turns out, my refusal to pose normally is what gives me a horrible profile.

4. I like my sense of adventure. For the past two years I have been trying to figure out why I wasn’t content to just stay in one place in the same routine. My gypsy soul has taken me to some crazy places, and allowed me to meet so many amazing people. I love traveling, and have been very fortunate lately to go all over the globe. The sense of adventure, and the constant traveling has taught me how to plan, how to be more curious, and how to be a more patient person. I used to get frustrated when I got lost, or when things did not go as planned. I would cry a lot over it. Now, I am a lot more easy going, and a lot more willing to go with the flow if there is traffic, delays, and even if I get lost.

5. I like my fortitude and perseverance. As much as this sucked (thanks to the break-up, getting kicked out of grad school, being bullied), I did not give up. I took the abuse and harassment from the program for almost a year. I was willing to stick it out to get the dumb degree and go back overseas. I tried to fight the good fight, I did not compromise my values for them. I did a lot of yoga, watched a lot of kitty and puppy videos, and shed a lot of tears in the process, but I never quit. Although they ended up winning that battle, I won the war. I am mostly emotionally intact, and I am happy to say that I am moving on to bigger and most certainly better.

I am happy to announce that starting at the end of June, I will officially be an expat again. I secured a position at a university in Edinburgh that will allow me to earn a PhD, and do some very important research. The position is fully funded, and provides a stipend that will help offset living expenses. This position could not be more perfect for me. I’m so glad that the supervisors of the project felt the same way. To them I am not a racist who plagiarized for academic gain, to them I am a capable woman with excellent research and communication skills. To them, I am the perfect member of their team, and someone that is going to help shape their research.

This position is a fresh start. I get to move back to Scotland. This is the happiest that I have felt in a really long time.

Securing this position is a pretty darn good way to end the worst year of my life.

 

The Scamp Encounters Self Doubt

Posted on by erranteditor

The day I have been dreading is fast approaching. I’ve been studying, outlining, practice testing, and talking it out with my study group. I’ve been telling myself everyday that I am going to pass if I put the right amount of time in. I’ve kinda been remembering to take some days off.

And now that the day is almost upon me, I am doubting my ability to succeed.

Two weeks ago I took a practice test. I answered a question about promoting diversity on campus. I outlined a plan that looked at diversity as more than just the color of your skin, and made a plan that would help students of any color, gender, age, socioeconomic status and the like succeed. I left the practice exam feeling good about myself.

I got the comments back from the grader, and all that changed. She all but called me a racist, and all but said that because I am white, I am in power and therefore do not notice that people of color suffer in higher education. She didn’t tell me I would pass the test if I had turned it in as a real response.

It was then that I was painfully reminded of the glaring (yet unmentioned) problem with the program I am in. They do not value diversity. I am one of the few white people in the program, and I might as well sit in the back silently with a sign around my neck that says “white devil”. The idea of diversity and equitable education in this program means that white people are bad and do not need to be included in the help that is provided for students struggling in college.

In this program, I am a racist. I don’t understand struggle because I am white and never had to work hard for anything.

This completely discounts the fact that I grew up in a single parent household with a mom that worked her fucking ass off so I had a roof over my head. Sure, I didn’t struggle, but it is only because she slaved away so we wouldn’t have to.

This does not take into account that I worked hard to get good grades so that I could qualify for scholarships because there was no way that my mom could afford to pay for three kids to go to college.

This does not take into account the countless scholarships I have been turned down for because I am white.

This also doesn’t take into account the three jobs that I consistently have so I can pay my tuition.

I feel like all of that makes me sound whiny. I hate sounding whiny.

What’s worse, is it makes me think that no matter what I do or what kind of educational leader I want to be, for the next two years I will constantly told I am wrong.

This program is killing my spirit.

All of this self doubt makes me regret the choice I made to come home. To get through this program I have to just give the professors they want to hear, and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. The only thing I am learning from this program is that it is shaping leaders who do not truly value diversity, and will only ever help a certain population of students. The only thing I am learning from this program is that I do not want to be a part of it.

If I did not have so much money invested already, and didn’t need the fancy letter after my name to get a good teaching job overseas, I would have already quit.

The self doubt is starting to affect my studying for the test. I am excited that the test is almost over and that one of my favorite people is about to land on my doorstep for a few days of pure California tourist fun.

Studying sucks, but it sucks a little less the closer I get to the test.

Qualifying exam is in three days…that means three days until FREEEEEEEDDDDDDDOOOMMMMM!

 

The Scamp and Comment Cards

Posted on by erranteditor

This semester is shaping up to be very different than the previous semester. There are still plenty of pages to be read, group projects to be done, and critical issues to explore, but in addition to all of that, we now have to rate our fellow cohort members on how well they did a book report.

Yes, a book report.

It is bad enough that I chose a book that is 800 pages, but having to listen to 20 other reports on books about organizational leadership is torture. The two reports we heard tonight were good, even if the books were not that interesting. My problem is that after class, the professor asked us to write two comments on a note card to give to each of the presenters. One side was a comment of something that the presenter did well, and the other side was one thing that the presenter could improve on.

Everyone who knows me well knows that I have no problem sharing my opinion, but in the case of these presentations, I feel it is unfair for me to judge. The books that we are reading cover a lot of material, and it is hard to fully explore all of the topics in 15 minutes, and with the ever changing guidelines from the teacher, it is really hard to set up an effective presentation. I had plenty of good things to say to both of the presenters, but found it very difficult to find something constructive to write for improvement.

Do I mention the lack of in-depth analysis for each category of effective leadership? The presentation was only 15 minutes, and one of the categories alone could have taken 15 minutes to explain.

Do I mention the lack of visual aid? The professor told us that we should not rely on PowerPoints and fancy visuals to get out point across.

Do I mention the 19 page outline when the instructions say 3-5 pages? The outline is really good, and it allows me to skip reading the book, but still be able to reference it in a paper or essay I will eventually have to write. He took the time to give us all the info he thought we would need. The other outline was only 3 pages, and still very good, but I would have to read the book to really be able to use it as a reference.

In the end, I went with some generic comments about slowing down when speaking and having some sort of visual aid for those of us who learn better with pictures. It feels like a copout though, and I am not sure I will enjoy the 20 other critiques that I have to do.

I also dread the ones that I am about to receive. I know “tone down the sarcasm” will be written on at least one card.

 

Call Me Dr. Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

While I drive myself crazy waiting for my parents to get here, I made an important life decision. I have decided that money be damned, I will be joining the 6th cohort of the  Doctorate of Education in Educational Leadership with a specialization in Community College at California State University, Fullerton. I was offered a spot in the 5th cohort and turned it down last year to come here, and while I was here I did a lot of wavering about whether or not I would apply for re-admission. When things with David started to fall apart I thought about putting the degree on hold all together and moving to San Diego to be with him.

The thing is, I loved (well, still love, but I’m working on getting over that) him, but I really want to pursue this degree. I want to teach at the community college level, want to eventually run a writing program at one, and while I can easily do that without an advanced degree, I feel like this program will help give me some tools before I dive head first into the working world. I like being in school, and like being a student. The three degrees that I have now will make me a better teacher, but this degree will make me a better leader. This degree will help me better understand what happens outside of the classroom, and allow me to sharpen my skills as I prepare for total community college world domination.

I’m paying on a massive loan that I took out to pay for this adventure, and part of me is worried about the finance part of this degree. I am going to have to pray that FAFSA comes through and offers me some help, and that in the next few months while I am not working on my dissertation, I can work on finding some money and grants that will help me pay for the next three years ( I joke that I am going to start looking for strip clubs that will hire me, but at this point, I am really looking into the possibility).

Part of me is still hesitant to come home and face all of the things that being home means. I used to joke with David that if we ever broke up I would never return to the US. Part of me still has that thought in the back of my mind. My visa is still good here for another year, and I am sure there are plenty of places that could use a smart mouthed English teacher. I also have thoughts of running away to New Zealand or going back to Australia and hiding out in the sunshine. Ultimately I know that I don’t really want to be that far from my family, and that things will fall into place when I go home, but part of me can’t help but wonder what kind of adventure could be out there waiting for me if I didn’t go home.

In the meantime, feel free to send me advice on places to find money, and get ready to call me Dr. Scamp.

A Scamp and a Sunny Day

Posted on by erranteditor

Today was a beautiful day. The sun was out, it was warm by Scotland standards, and I was actually able to make good progress on my research paper. Despite all of that, I was still feeling a bit blue today. David sent most of my stuff back, and the finality of the situation makes me a bit sad. He kept a few things I was hoping that he would send back, and my worry is that he will just throw them away when he comes across them. To keep myself from thinking about that, I went for a walk. I had intended to sit in the park and read a book, but I couldn’t shut off my brain, so I wandered around the park a little before returning to my room to try and get more work done….and by get more work done, I mean look at cute animal pictures on the internet.

Seriously, the internet is a dangerous place. I think this video about sums up my mood as of late. A little unsteady, a little unsure, but ultimately triumphant  Also, I am awkward as they come, and let’s face it, so are giraffes.

Tomorrow I finally have a meeting to get a supervisor for my dissertation  and I can finally start making plans to wrap up my time here in Scotland. A month ago I really wanted to go home and settle in to my life with David, and now, I am sad that my time will be up in 6 weeks. I’m hoping this trend in the weather continues so that I can spend more days wandering around the city when I should be working.

 

 

A Scamp and Children’s Books

Posted on by erranteditor

Last semester I thought it would be fun to sign up for a class called, “Teaching Texts Across Borders”. The class was described to us as how to to teach children’s literature to various cultures. That, coupled with the fact that it was scheduled to meet on Tuesday afternoons, and thus giving me a perfect schedule of class on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the rest of my week free made the class a no brainer. I thought I would be sitting on easy street and could focus on the other three classes (two of which I knew were going to suck balls).

Boy was I dumb. The first challenge with the class is that it was moved to Friday afternoons. I am not my best on Fridays, and in the afternoon, forget it! The class is scheduled for prime napping hours, and it seems more often than not, it snows just as the class is letting out and I have to walk home. The second aspect of the class that I misjudged was the type of material that would be covered in the class. I like studying the theory behind literature, and I love children’s literature, but what I am being asked to do in this class is not my idea of fun. Not only the class a lot of talking and tangents about children’s books, but I am expected to read, and keep a diary of all the children and young adult fiction that I read. The Hunger Games is a required reading, and so is surfing fandom sites and reading the reworkings of stories by uber fans (50 Shades of Grey much?) I was expecting to find books like the ones at home, Meg Cabot, J.K. Rowling, and the like, books that have simple plots with happy endings, ones that are predictable and lighthearted. I know that not all books written for children are like this, but the book we went over in class was a creepy take on Little Red Riding Hood, complete with parents who fight, and the possibility of divorce. The story was dark and depressing, and by the end of it, the reader has no idea if the mother is happy to see the father has returned, or if she is merely happy the son has made it home in one piece.

The book is aimed at 4-6 year olds.

The books in the Moray House library are just as good. I’ve read a couple of children’s books that I enjoyed, and were lighthearted, but so far the young adult fiction has been worse than most adult fiction I have read. The first was a story about a girl who had gone mad and the artist her father had hired to help her become “normal” again. The story was poorly written and never really gave a clear explanation on anything. Suddenly by the end of the story, the governess is really a sister, and the “crazy” sister is now a famous artist loved by all. The second book though, that is the good one. That one takes place in the future (although that is not made clear, I had to wikipedia that) at the outbreak of a mysterious third world war. There is no named enemy, and no reason given for the war. The important part of the story though is that a girl is sent to live with her cousins in England for a summer, and while there, this war breaks out. For awhile, the war does not affect the kids, and while they are enjoying a life without adults (their aunt/mom is killed trying to get across the border and back to her family) the American girl falls in love with her cousin….her first cousin. They begin a sexual relationship. No one thinks of their relationship as wrong, and no one tells them they should do otherwise. The war drives the boy crazy, and the story ends with the girl making it back to the farm to be with her cousins and put her life back together after the war. The boy is now a mute who cuts himself and may or may not talk to vegetables. The story ends with the girl picking up the relationship with her cousin and adjusting to the way he is now.

WTF?

This books is marketed for 12 year olds. I don’t have a 12 year old, and I was reading “adult” novels at 12, but good grief. What kind of story is that? Underage sex with your first cousin? More importantly, how do I discuss this story in a class with Chinese girls who barely understand English, and would be horrified at the subject of this book.

On the upside, I think I found my final assignment topic: how absurd and effed up can children’s books be in the UK before someone thinks twice about letting kids read them?

This is going to be a long semester.

 

A Scamp and Her Priorities

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve only been here for three weeks and I am already a felon. There is a rule at Pollock Halls that states you are not allowed to take food from the caf. No one pays attention to the rule. Croissants, rolls, cheese, meats, all of that gets wrapped into napkins and stuffed into bags and backpacks. I do it all the time, but yesterday I got caught. Food Nazi came over and asked for my meal card and told me she was going to report me to my warden (yes warden, like I live in a prison…cell block Lee House.) I swear (and I know that this will be hard for some people after the great CVS incident of 2010) but I did not do anything to provoke the woman, other than try to take food out of the caf. She asked me if I had read the signs that say “Don’t take the food at of the cafeteria” but those signs are next to the “love food, hate waste” signs, and those seemed way more important to me. I took the food, I wasn’t going to eat it at that moment, and did not want it to go to waste. I was totally going to eat it for lunch (I did, and it was delicious.) The strange thing is that I am not even that upset about the strike on my record. Even if they eventually kick me out of accommodations, at least I will be homeless in Scotland.

I have also come to the point in my career that I have to decide what they next year will hold. I have been talking to one of the brightest people I have met here, and she is in the working stages of her PhD. It is fun to hear her try and puzzle out how she is going to tackle her research and all of the things she wants to do and places that she wants to visit to aid her in thought process. She likes to chat out her ideas to work through them, and as someone who does the same, I enjoy listening to her and feeling that I am bit helpful in the process. I know she will do great things, and that is what I want, I want to do something worthwhile.

I’ve come to the point where I have to decide if I am going to stay here to complete my research, or if I am going to come home and finish it in Fullerton. While Fullerton is the smarter choice since my work is locally focused, and I will have a better shot of being able to pay for Fullerton, I really would like to stay here. I like the idea that I can spend a couple of years here and have the chance to live, teach, and study here. Problem is, it is expensive, I am currently without a job, and they don’t give a whole lot of scholarships and financial aid here.

The worry here is that if I choose to do this, then I am putting my relationship in jeopardy. He tells me that he is going to wait and that we will spend the rest of our lives together, but I can’t help but wonder if he is going to change his mind. I heard this song and dance before and it crashed and burned when we were faced with distance. I know how wrong it is to compare the two, but it’s what I do best. The plan had always been to stay here and make my life here, but when I made that plan I was flying solo. Now I’m in a herd (a flock? A gaggle? a dynamic duo) and have to make choices with his feelings in mind. He of course, has no feelings in the matter, but I am assuming that he would prefer that I come home. Lately we have been arguing a lot. Mostly it is me with my feelings hurt, and him feeling helpless, but this week I came to the startling realization that the two of us are not on the same page about the future, and a lot of that is due to me not wanting to make him jump ship again. This week marks what would have been our first anniversary, and not only did we spend it apart, but it doesn’t actually count since we broke up shortly after getting together. I’d like to think it still counts, but I am in the boat alone on that one.

I’m alone in a lot of boats, most importantly the boat that keeps me here. The question is: Do I want to stay in this boat or jump ship?

A Scamp and Enemies

Posted on by erranteditor

It is only week three and I have managed to make some enemies. I didn’t set out to make them, but it happened. I was really just after a good night’s sleep. My medical condition makes me tired enough on its own, but adding no sleep into that mix and I float somewhere between a zombie and a piece of the furniture. It started last week with a tutor (the equivalent to a TA) called me an idiot because I asked for some clarification on an article that I could not make heads or tails of. This evil wench told me that she was not there to answer questions (as my bestie pointed out, she is German and that is very common for them to just be flat out rude and insulting to students) and that I should not be expected to be spoon fed answers. She copied the director of the program on the email, and all I had really asked was if we could discuss the readings before class got started so that I would have something to contribute to the discussion. The whole group feels this way, but I was the one who was nominated to email Claudia the Horrible, so I am the one who feels insulted. I wanted to huff and puff and tell the bitch this wasn’t my first graduate degree and that if she is being paid $100 an hour to be in the classroom, I better leave her room feeling like I would have learned more from a monkey speaking Greek. The only thing that this did was make her academic enemy number one and she is about to get eight weeks of me in bitch mode. Claudia the Horrible is an enemy I am making on my own decision. She doesn’t have to be an enemy, but I have decided that I will not tolerate the way she treated me. The other set of enemies that I made were not by choice.

I happen to live with the most rude people I have ever encountered. They run and shout in the hallways at 3 am, they mess up the toilets and break into mailboxes, and generally walk around like they own the place. The other day I kindly (or as kind as I can be at 3 am after three hours of listening to them talk about who they had had sex with so far this term) asked them to just go into one of the rooms that they were standing in front of because the rest of us were trying to sleep. They laughed at me like I was absurd, but I assume eventually went to one of the rooms. After the mandatory house meeting where I suggested that rules, curfews and timetables needed to be reviewed, they now do everything they can to be disruptive. They slam doors, hangout outside my room and chat loudly about prissy postgrads having fun studying while they get smashed, and generally make sure that nothing productive is happening between the hours of 6pm and 7am. I was not trying to point out that these fucktards were raised by wolves, I merely just wanted to be able to sleep at 3am. I was 18 and dumb once. I’m sure that I was loud on occasion. I know that I never disrupted anyone’s studies though, and if someone told me to shut up, I shut up. I guess it is a difference between American college kids and English college kids. All I know is that I am starting to feel like I did that first year in San Diego. I hated that year, and it is not one that I wish to repeat.

To deal with these children though, I have decided to get on their level. Anytime they breath too loudly on the floor after 10pm mandatory quiet hours, I am calling security and having them written up. Three strikes and they are out, and some of them are already on strike two. I’m guessing that I can get them out before the term ends. The cleaning ladies have also given Jade an alarm clock and permission to get the vacuum out for 6am hoovering, so I think I may take them up on that and start setting the alarm clock for 5 am every morning (seeing as they usually stumble to bed around four, they will not enjoy it.) I am also open to all manner of suggestions, and I am not the least bit concerned that by posting this online I am showing premeditation for mischief. My revenge may not be swift, but it will most definitely be sweet. They picked the wrong scamp to mess with.