Scotland

A Scamp and Balance

Posted on by erranteditor

I can’t believe that I have only been here for a week. I feel like I have been here for a lot longer than that. Some of it is because of the horrid schedule of the week, and some of it is due to the fact that I just love the city. I can walk everywhere, my sense of direction has never been so good, and I have made a lot of friends here (I know, everyone is shocked by that last statement, but I decided that when I got here I would do the opposite of what I normally do, and it has been working). I love the fact that I am not spending every night alone in my dorm room, but I am having a hard time staying connected to everyone at home. I’ve seen my mother’s face once, talked to Kelly briefly, and have yet to see my partners in crime. I get regular chats with David, but even then, I feel like I am keeping him from his work. The time difference is still a tricky thing. I’ve made a few appointments to chat with Kelly, but then failed to do it because I went out with my friends here. I wanted to talk to Kelly, but I had a lot of fun going out and about. I know that once my coursework starts I will not be out and about as much and will be able to make a better schedule, but for the next few days, I will feel a bit torn between here and home.

Another balance I am trying to make is the balance between friendly and too friendly. For some reason in this country I am a novelty. I’m assuming it is the tattoos and snark presented in a the librarian esque package. I’ve learned that the Irish love me because I like boxing, the Canadians love me because of the cultural similarities, and the Scottish love me because I say dude. I have to admit that I love the attention. San Diego was rough on me, and it is nice to feel like I am being appreciated for my better qualities. My problem is, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love David, shoot, I am going to marry that boy whether he wants to or not. While I enjoy the boys that I have met here, there is nothing short of Kelly Slater offering to be my love slave that will even tempt me away from David. I find a way to mention him in every conversation I have (which I am sure people are getting tired of) but I have a feeling that most of these boys wouldn’t mind being invited to my room (yeah, like that is going to happen). I usually do better being friends with guys, but I do not want to do anything that will make these boys think they have a snowball’s chance, and I certainly do not want to make David uncomfortable.

My last struggle with balance is balancing the adventure that I want to have for me, and the adventure that I should have as part of a dynamic duo. This is my mother’s biggest fear. When David and I got back together, she was worried about what that would do to the way I lived here. She was worried that I wouldn’t enjoy myself, or that I would somehow short change myself because I just wanted to be with David. She loves David, but she was worried before she spent a lot of time with him what he would do to my adventure. For his part, David feels the same way as my mother. I had to work very hard (and shed a lot of tears) to convince him that I was in no way going to change my plans just because I was madly in love with him (I’m pretty sure I called him an idiot at one point). I mean that. There was no way that I was going to give up this chance, short of some serious complications with the Lupus….even then I would have hobbled my tired ass over here. I am at the point though where I have to decide if I am going to stay for another couple of years, or come home at the end of this program. If I can get funded, I am staying. No question about it. I’d love to stay even if I can’t get funded, but I do not want to go into anymore debt. I also miss being with David everyday, texting Kelly whenever I want and generally not being depressed when I look at Facebook. Although my original plan was to move here and never come home, I am thinking that maybe living here for three (maybe four) years total will give me the adventure that I need before I go home and settle into a life of big girl jobs and financial responsibility.

A Scamp With A Photo

Posted on by erranteditor

I hate having my photo taken. I always look a bit awkward and messy, or my glasses reflect the flash and you can’t see my eyes. Given all of that, I still found myself at a photo shoot today for the School of Education. I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t think I really needed to be in the photo. I thought I was going to stick out like a sore thumb against all of the other people in the program, but since my afternoon was free, I decided that I should just do the opposite of what Kim would normally do and have my picture taken. I’m glad I went. Organized chaos would be too kind a word to describe the process, but I found a couple of the girls from my emphasis and we tried to make sure we were next to each other in the picture. It makes me feel better about all of the group assignments that is bound to come, and it makes me feel generally good about how hard the year is going to be.

Although I hate having my picture taken, the one thing that I am sad about is my lack of pictures so far in my journey. I carry my camera with me everyday, but feel like a tourist. There is beauty everywhere I look here, but I have yet to really capture it. I’m also not in any of the pictures. I miss my mom with her camera taking pictures of everything from the food to the hotel room (uggghhhh, now I am never going to hear the end of that). I would love to take pictures with me at the various places that I visit during the day. The view from the main library is amazing. I’ll go there just to get out of the cold and enjoy the view. The people that I come across also deserve to be chronicled as well. I seem to attract the Irish boys, and my R.A. (yep, I have an R.A. it is freshman year all over again) has blue and green dreads, and the girls here tromp around in itty bitty skirts when it is only 40 degrees outside. If I was at home, I would be busting out my camera or my phone to take pictures and mock the people around me, but here, I feel silly doing it alone.

Classes start first thing on Monday, and I am a little anxious to get started. I want to get in a routine and be busy, so that I will focus less on what I am missing at home. It will also make the year go quicker. I thought my program would be done by May, but it turns out it is  just the classes that end in May, and then I get to work on my dissertation. My program doesn’t end until late August, and graduation isn’t until November. This means that I would not be able to take a teaching job in the States, or start the EDD program at Fullerton.

I guess that means I will just have to finish my PhD here….oh darn.

 

A Scamp in the City

Posted on by erranteditor

Bonus points for anyone who knows the reference in the title.

There is something strangely exhilarating about being lost in a foreign city. There is something even more satisfying about accidentally stumbling onto the street you need and finding the address to your new home. In true Kim fashion it took me four hours over two days to figure out where my dorm was and only about 25 minutes to get back to the hotel. My journey took me through 2 parks, 1 sketchy housing complex (crack den anyone?) and on a walking path with what must pass here as a garden. Yesterday I left without my map so I was a bit hesitant to wander too far off the beaten path, but today I had my trusty map, and felt a little better about wandering around.

The problem that I faced was with Google Maps. It gave me the sketchy and horribly convoluted route to the dorm. There were a few times that I was tempted to stop  and ask for directions, but I didn’t out of pure stubborness. I wanted to prove to myself that I could figure it out on my own and be completely independent. I don’t know if I can describe how happy I was to find my dorm, and see how close it was to both the dining hall and to the Royal Commonwealth Pool. You can bet I am going to go there as much as I can. I was tempted to try and sweet talk someone into giving me my keys early, but decided that my time was best spent trying to find a better route for the morning. I walked back in the direction that I had started, but this time instead of going back to the walking path of doom, I stayed on the main road. The streets here tend to change names every so many feet, and after walking for about ten minuets, the street became one marked on the map…..and much to my surprise that street connected to the main street in the city. All I had to do in theory was make a right off the main road the first time and I could have avoided the adventure. I really had to giggle when I got to the main street.

I decided to wander around the city a bit more and see what I could discover. I found the train station and got to see some really pretty old buildings. Today was sort of my last day to sight see for awhile. Once I move in, I am booked solid for the next couple of weeks and then classes start. I am looking forward to being busy because being cooped up alone in a hotel room is starting to get old. There are still a lot of things that I need to work out, like a job and a phone and a doc who will fill my prescriptions, but I will work on one thing at a time and hope that the school will help me fill in the rest.

A Scamp Abraod

Posted on by erranteditor

At 6:30 pm BST I made it to Scotland.It was a long 30+ hours. I had a lot of time to think, and I think I finally realized the magnitude of the choice that I have made. I’m not really a crier, but lately, I’ve been crying a lot.

I cried at the ticket counter at the start of my trip because all of the info the stand in travel agent gave me was wrong and it cost me ten times what I thought it would to check my bag.

I cried before I got on the plane because I broke a zipper on one of my suitcases and had to repack all 4 bags to fit the weight requirements. I cried trying to get to the gate because my carry ons were very heavy and hard to carry and people kept telling me to go to the wrong gates.

I cried on the plane when  I found a copy of Guess How Much I love you that my mom snuck into my bag while I was trying to find one of the 4 million snacks that she packed for me.

I cried when I looked through the movie selection and Anchorman was the first choice. Lindsey quotes that movie to me all the time, and even though I have been a royal pain in the ass for the last few months and she is trying to get settled with class, work and a new city without G, she told me she would Skype me as much as I needed so I wouldn’t be lonely. She gave me tips and some great advice before I left too to make this trip as easy as possible.

I cried when I watched Men in Black 3 because Kelly loves those movies and we saw the first two in the theaters together. She kept telling me how selfish I was for leaving her and moving over here, but I don’t think she thinks I will miss her as much as I will.

I cried when I watched some dumb TV show and the girl talked about being in a cult in Mt. Shasta and that made me think of Joe and all the crazy things I know that he is going to do while he should be studying and working on his degree.

I cried when I was tired of watching movies and the music selection was everything from my ipod and every song that was played reminded me of David and how selfish I was to leave him for a year after I worked so hard to convince him that he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

I cried at the 90s music that played because it reminded me of Erika and Katie and all of the times I have sung Whitney Houston with Katie in various states of inebriation.

I cried in London when I had to lug my heavy bags everywhere and spent a whole lot of time being shuffled in the wrong terminals and the wrong lines for customs. I was a hot sweaty mess by the time I finally made it to the plane for Scotland. I ended up being able to catch a 30 min nap and that has been enough to sustain me until now. Now all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep until Saturday. I have a feeling I will be doing a lot of crying trying to get my bags moved into the dorm and take care of everything that needs to be done for move-in day. As much as I know I need to do this alone and learn how to be independent, I wish someone was here to help me navigate the day.

Tomorrow my goal for the day is to run errands and hang out outside as much as possible. I’m hoping it goes a lot smoother than the last 24 hours.

A Scamp in Denial

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I had  a plan. When I started this blog I had decided that I was going to chronicle my adventures leading up to Scotland, and then chronicle every detail of my life in Scotland. The last time I posted was a month ago, and with only 4 days until I leave, I did not do a very good job of recording the journey. The best reason I can give for that is that I am in denial. The big day sorta crept up on me, and I have run out of time.

I’m in denial of the fact that I leave on Tuesday. Complete and total denial. I’m not done packing, I keep sneaking shoes into the bag, and I didn’t even plan a goodbye party. I have been trying to scatter around town and see everyone before I go, but so far I am not doing such a great job. Instead of dwelling on that (or finishing the packing that needs to be done) I am going to lay on my bed and watch old episodes of Warehouse 13. That sounds like a good time to me.

A Scamp Insured

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I may be paying off my loan for the rest of my life thanks to the loan that I had to take out to move to Scotland, but I got the best news ever in the form of free healthcare for students living in the UK. This was just the break I needed. I spend a lot of money every month on medications to keep me healthy, and I was worried about how all of that was going to work once I moved across the pond. The even better news is that I have free access to a specialist. My doc here already checked out  specialists in Edinburgh, and has given his okay for any of the ones that I choose that are near the campus. While I joke that this makes my mother very happy, truth is, I am happy too. I know that the tart of this adventure is bound to be stressful, and the stress is usually what triggers a down cycle. I cannot afford a down cycle while I am all alone and a long way from home. I was able to talk to a member of the international office and she has a similar illness and she said that the care she has received so far while living in Scotland has been excellent. That is a good sign for me….I hope. After my recent trip to Ireland, and hearing the cab driver’s horror story about waiting almost 48 hours to see a doctor when he was suffering from major heart damage that has me worried. I know that Scotland and Ireland are two completely different countries, but that story made me feel a little nervous. I’m going to try and be as careful as possible while I am gone.

Now with that taken care of, the only things that I have left to do is pay my tuition and fill out my visa application. The last one is the most of my stress lately. I am hoping that the process goes smoothly, but I have a feeling it is going to be a nightmare. I am trying not to be a negative Nancy about the process, but so far everything has been fairly easy and everyone that I come in contact with has been so helpful and nice, that I can’t help but think that something is going to go wrong. I have been trying to do all I can to make myself an attractive candidate for a visa, but I have heard horror stories about UK visas. I have a friend who offered to help me and answer any questions that I might have. but she has enough going on in her life, that I do not feel it would be fair of me to bother her with questions. Luckily I don’t have to tackle any of those issues today…..but come Monday, that fun boat leaves the dock.

A Home for the Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

Today I got my official letter of acceptance for accommodation on campus. This both frightens and relieves me. I’m relieved to know that I have a place to live, but I am stressing out about paying the high cost of renting a room. The Lee House, a subsection of Pollack Halls, is right next to the pool, near a park, and the building next to the dining commons. If nothing else I will be able to buy breakfast on my way to class every morning. I have no idea where the dorm is in relation to my classes, but I have a feeling it is not very close. I don’t think I will mind walking though. I could use the exercise. It will be more than I am getting now.

The fact that now I have an official home makes my journey a little more real. I am leaving in three months, and I have yet to finish some the important things, like secure funding, and fill out my visa. The visa is on hold so that I can go to Ireland for ten days, but the funding part still has me stressing. I have started the paperwork for a loan, and the staggering amount of $30,000 is looming over my head. I’m starting a college fund for the kids I don’t have yet so that I can send them to college. Hopefully by the time I have babies and they are ready to go to college I will be a college professor somewhere nice and they can go to that school for free. Tuition remission is such a good idea. Too bad that can’t work for me in Scotland.

On the brightside, somewhere between me worrying about money, and me fighting with the manager of the apartment I used to live in, the boy told me he loved me. Weeks ago I called him an idiot and told him I was in love with him when he questioned what I thought of him as a boyfriend, and after he got over the initial shock of what I said, he told me that he had been having those feelings for awhile, but wasn’t quite ready to verbalize them. He did start to talk about doing long distance, and what the next year would be like for the two of us, and I started to see a little bit of hope for the future. He looked shocked when he actually said the words out loud, and he told me he didn’t know how or when it happened, but he did. Every time he said it, he seemed to believe it a little more. It was very strange, but kinda awesome at the same time. I’m the first person he has ever said it to, and while that makes me a wee bit nervous, I am very competitive so I like the idea of being first. Now he tells me all the time, and I feel a little bit better about everything,

If only I could find the money fairy, and convince the boy to go with me, life would be so much easier.

A Scamp Conflicted

Posted on by erranteditor

Lately I have been having dreams that I have become irrelevant. There is nothing worse than feeling like you no longer matter. In the dreams my friends and family stop talking to me, stop inviting me places, and generally disappear from my life. Now, I am not dumb enough to think that the world is going to stop turning just because I have decided to move to the UK, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling of “out of sight, out of mind”. This lingering feeling is making what time I do have left here difficult. I am definitely moody and suspicious of the motives of people around me. I act like a sullen teenager when someone says, “Oh, but you are moving to Scotland” when they mention a concert, trip, or some other event that will take place when I have left. It’s as if their efforts are wasted on me because I won’t be around much longer.

I have only shared this fear with a couple of people. While two of them told me I was crazy and all would be fine, the only comment I can seem to focus on is the one asshole who told me that fear is completely justified. He went on to tell me that I should not expect to stay in contact with anyone other than my immediate family because I made it virtually impossible for people to want to emotionally connect to me and show me any type of affection. I realize that I am not the easiest person in the world, but I had no idea I was that difficult. For some reason that is the comment that is stuck in my head, and that is making me question all of my choices. While there is nothing short of a health crisis that is going to keep me from going, it does make me question whether or not I should come home. Once I finish my degree I will be more than qualified to work in the UK, and I could see myself staying there and deciding not to come home at all.

At the end of the day I know that I could never be that far from my family, but if I don’t find a way to snap myself out of this mindset, it is going to put a real big damper on the excitement of the upcoming adventure.

Little Lost Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

8 months ago I decided that I no longer wanted to live in San Diego. I had finished my master’s degree and was ready to move on and put  this place behind me. Thanks to the economy, and my desire to work in a field where English teachers are a dime a dozen, I was forced into taking a full-time gig in San Diego and abandoning my escape plans. I had put the idea of a PhD. on hold and settled for a crappy night job in hopes of having the time to hunt down permanent teaching gigs and working my way out of San Diego. The longer I was out of school though, the more I itched to be back in the classroom. For the first 23 years of my life I had staked my entire identity on being a student. It was the only thing that I knew how to do really well (besides sarcasm) and I found myself getting lost in a world of routine schedules and lonely night shifts. Five months into the new job working nights and I felt like a zombie. I didn’t get to see my friends, I wasn’t learning anything new, and I slowly losing my sense of self. When it became clear to me that a full-time teaching gig was not on my horizon, I decided that the only way I was going to become a better candidate for jobs was to get another degree.

My family likes to joke that I am a perpetual student, and if I could be one, I would, but I honestly felt like adding another skill set to my bag of tricks would make me stand out in a job interview. I began to hunt for programs that I could complete onlline, and in a short amount of time, so that I could teach a wider variety of classes and make myself more marketable. At first I wasn’t looking for PhD. programs, I was just looking at certificate programs and classes that would allow my to teach reading or ESL classes. None of the programs I found seemed that interesting, and as people around me settled down to get married, have kids, or start their careers, the only thing I found myself wanting to do was run as far away from here as possible. I started looking into teaching English abroad, and possibly going to school. The first place I looked at was New Zealand. It is a well known fact to those who love me that I have a thing for sheep farmers, and New Zealand seemed like the perfect place to go to find a hot sheep farmer to sweep me off my feet. While I was thinking about school, I was also thinking about the upcoming family vacation to Ireland. They have sheep farmers there too, so I figured applying to school there wouldn’t be so bad either. Further research into the schools there and the types of programs they have led me to believe that I wouldn’t be a good fit, so I googled “Colleges and universities in the U.K.” University of Edinburgh was one of the returns, and once I saw that they had a literacy program, and that the application process was free, I figured that I didn’t have anything to lose by applying. I didn’t really know anything about the school, and I had never been to Scotland, but I figured it wasn’t costing me anything more than 500 words to apply, so I would have nothing to lose.

I submitted the application at Thanksgiving, and didn’t give it another thought. I applied for a handful of full-time teaching jobs in Orange County and I started working with my mom on a new way to teach developmental writing. It wasn’t until the end of February when U of E emailed and asked for some more details that I even thought about the application. The only thing that I said when they emailed me offering me a place in the program was “I got in” The first person I called was my mom, and when she didn’t answer, I left her a rambling message that made no sense, and then I called Kelly. After that I text everyone I could think of telling them I got in. I could not sit still. Work no longer seemed important. I got in. I had my escape route.

When I finally did talk to my mom, she immediately started talking about all of the things that practical people think of when applying to school. How was I going to pay for it? What was the cost? Where was I going to live? When did I have to give an answer? How did I know I could live there? I didn’t have any answers beyond “I got in” and at that moment, I didn’t care. All I knew was that I had gotten into the University of Edinburgh and I hadn’t been that happy or excited about anything in years. I knew that there was no way I was going to turn down the offer, so, despite my mom’s misgivings, I accepted the offer, site unseen.

So now I have six months to nail down a place to live, find funding, get a job, and make a list of the all of the places that I want to visit and all of the things I want to see while I am living in the U.K.