writing

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 31

Posted on by erranteditor

In my quest to make it to the office at least three days this week, today I decided to stay home. I got up early, I was going to make it 2/2 in the work week….I really was. Then I got a text confirming that my two favourite people weren’t going to be in the office and I lost all motivation to go in.

I did not go back to bed though….even though I was really tempted. I sat on my couch and tried to make an outline for a paper I don’t think I have time for, and shop for vacations that I cannot seem to make myself commit to. I got cocky. I crossed a bunch of things off my list yesterday and I thought I could parlay that wave of success into the rest of the week, but as usual, instead of enjoying my mini success, I’m already disappointed that I didn’t achieve more.

It’s a perk of my personality and it keeps my therapist in rent money. You could say my neurosis is good for the Scottish economy.

The challenge for this week is to think about the pros and cons of my job. I feel like this list is going to be a bit one sided.

Let’s start with the pros:

  1. I can work from anywhere. On days I don’t feel like going to the office (and let’s face it, that is most days lately) I can work from my couch, from my buddy’s couch, the library, or the boy’s kitchen table. I like the freedom that I have to work where it suits me best. It has come in real handy lately.

2. The people. I’ve made some great friends since I started working for the university a year ago. Unfortunately a few of them no longer work there, but the friendship remains. When I do go into the office, they keep me laughing, encourage me to keep going, and make the office a little less gloomy.

3. Publishing opportunities. In the US, academia is sink or swim. In a lot of the PhD programmes you have to meet a publishing or presenting quota….and you have to do a lot of it solo. In the UK, the more authors the better, and the co-authors are your biggest champions. I may be on draft 47 of this paper up for publication, but I know when it does finally make it to a journal it will be a good piece of work.

And I will be this [————-] close to being famous. I’ve also presented at three conferences this year, and thanks to the university, I will get at least two more next year. The amount of publicity my work is getting is great, and hopefully it will make the rest of the data collection a much smoother process.

4. My job is in Edinburgh. We all know how I feel about that.

5. I get to be a doctor at the end of it.

and then an adult.

Now for the cons:

  1. This life is a lonely island. Even though I have a good circle of friends, some of who have successfully made it through this process, it is still something that I am 100% in charge of. I have this horrible problem of equating my the work that I produce with who I am. When that work isn’t going well, it means that I am not doing well. If I get negative feedback, I take it to me there is something wrong with me (which is ironic considering my research is entirely dedicated to feedback, and how to use it successfully). I sometimes feel like no one understands what I am doing, how much work it takes to make this happen, and how much I have riding on this research. This feeling sometimes keeps me in the dark and twisty, and that is a spiral I do not like being in.

2. I’m under a tremendous amount of pressure. I’ve talked about the fact that I am currently the only educational pedagogy PhD on campus. Heck, the university doesn’t even have a school of education. All eyes are on me, and they are all dying to know if my research can actually be used to help inform university policy. This project is the brain child of my main supervisor, so I also get a lot of pressure from him in terms of his expectations and my ability. I’ve also added an extra level of pressure because I feel  like since I sat in this boat before that I should be doing better, be further along in the process.

This has led to a lot of tears, a lot of days hiding in bed, and a lot therapy sessions.

3. Most days I have no idea what I am doing. I’ve turned in drafts of my paper and most of the time I feel like I’ve done all that is asked of me and then the feedback I get asks me to do something completely different. I’m getting edits on things that they told me to edit, spent a lot of time going north and I am now being asked to go southwest, and generally feel like I am wasting my time.

I hate feeling like I am wasting my time.

4. I have to depend on others for my research. I hate that. Especially when people do not put in the effort, react, or care as much as I do. I wish I could control every little thing around me, and I can’t. That frustrates me to no end. I hate depending on other people, and I hate that my crazy expectations are often crushed because no one is as bat shit as I am. I’m really trying to learn how to be better about my expectations, and how to best work with others, but that is such a slow slow slow process.

At the end of the day though, I love my job. I knew the process was going to suck, I know that their will be days that I cry and hate myself (and the work), and I know when this job is done I will have something amazing to show for it (and hopefully British citizenship).

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 26 Part 2

Posted on by erranteditor

This time I am actually going to cover the focus of the writing challenge for last week: My family. I spent the day writing, so pictures and a few words will have to do the trick.

family 1

This is the only full family photo we have. It isn’t even all of us as the oldest of the step brothers is not in the photo. This is the last time we were all together in one place. It was the last time that we could be all together in one place. I was 20.

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This is the most current family photo. I left for Scotland not long after this, and Kelly was weeks away from finding out about muffin.

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We have a lot of fun together. We are pretty much the only ones who think we are funny (And really, it is just me and my mom that think we are funny)

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This is my favorite picture of us. It has now been coined the “typical Wilder kids” photo, but it really does speak to our personalities. 156326_1786513862898_6319278_n225433_10150164218316887_2747822_n270678_536612843455_6557935_n295388_10150850791826887_1607862510_n

This is one of the best family photos of us. We were in Ireland for the first family vacation in ten years. Kelly and Mondo had just celebrated their first anniversary and I was getting ready to move to Scotland for the first time. We drove everyone in the tour group nuts on that trip.386455_10150360625751887_2066315557_n557297_10151118103296887_60246554_n

I’m sad that I am no longer part of Christmas day photos. We usually make my mother mad by not smiling, not looking at the camera, and generally bitching about the fact that she wants a decent group photo. Now they just hold one of my graduation photos in the picture like I am there with them.10003362_10151843283321887_2054048463_n10386905_10204516103322856_496174025055853131_ovcm_s_kf_representative_360x480 (3)

Now we have the muffin in the mix as well. He is my favorite little dude. I don’t see him nearly enough, but I am still hoping his first words are “Aunty Kimbo”

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My family constantly reminds me to stay out of the dark and twisty, to make sure that I have a travel buddy, and that no matter what I do, I will always have someone in my corner fighting for me.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 26

Posted on by erranteditor

It is July.

Seriously. July. I survived the month from hell, became an official PhD student, and made it out of Scotland for a quick jaunt into the world of academic presentations.

I’m not sure I was entirely successful.

I turned in a report last week to justify my becoming a PhD student. It took me two and half weeks to write, and I was terrified the entire time. I had a really hard time putting into words why my work is significant and what made me a good candidate for the transfer of title. It really freaked me out. If I cannot explain what I am doing and why it is important, then why should the university move me on?

Which led to a whole host of other problems. If I do not get to advance and complete the degree, then it is back to the land of Trump and Hilary. A land where I have no job, no money, no insurance, and more importantly, no identity. I cannot go back there.

A rather large problem that I have navigating life is that I tie my entire self worth to the things that I produce. I saw this report as an extension of me. If my supervisors don’t like the report then it means they do not like me. I know that this is absurd. I know this, I write about this in terms of students and the feedback they receive, yet I can’t help but be stuck in that quicksand.

The report was just as bad as I thought it would be. My supervisors ripped it apart. They told me as it was, the report would not pass the committee. I had spent so much time being crippled by self doubt and the impostor syndrome, that I produced a really shitty report. I missed a few typos, the report seemed rushed, and I misinterpreted a  question. It was bad. While the team signed off on me becoming a PhD student once I edit and do some heavy revision, I still cannot look past how defeated I feel. I can’t help but think that I am a huge disappointment to my supervisors. None of what I have turned in so far as been good quality work. I’m not a bad writer. I know that. I usually enjoy writing. Lately I have not been enjoying myself. I’ve been stressed. I’m worried what people will think when they read my work, wonder if I have done enough to show that I am worthy of all the things that I have been given in the last year.

I’m also trying to live up to the pressure that my position brings. I’m the first education based PhD, the first one based out of the Department of Learning and Teaching, and I am the living example of why pedagogy is important to a university. With great power comes great responsibility….and a supervisor who is incredibly hard on me, and expects a whole hell of a lot from me. Unfortunately right now I have hit my breaking point. I am a bit burned out.

Luckily I have people around me who believe in me, and a couple who have gone through the process. They talk me off a ledge, send me goats through the mail, and remind me that I am not defined by the drafts that I produce.

This week I had the opportunity to present my paper at an assessment and feedback conference. Last year I got to go to the conference as my introduction to the university and to the role that I was soon to play. I heard a lot of good talks, met some interesting people, and saw a little bit of England. This time around I got to give a 3 minute presentation to a room full of experts in the field. I knew a few people who were there, and I got to sit between two men that I reference in my paper. It was brilliant.

My presentation…..not so much. I went first, and seeing as this was the fist time that the conference had ever done these nano presentations, I was once again the guinea pig. My paper is based around a food metaphor (and I don’t want to give it away yet since it is not complete, and has not been published), but no one laughed at my jokes, and no one asked any questions or had any comments for me. The other seven presenters all had questions and comments. I had silence and a joke that the picture that I used to illustrate my point was only good because it had a bottle of wine in it.

Yeah. Not really my best showing for my first time out, but, hey, you gotta start somewhere, right? I’m feeling pretty beat up about it. So beat up that today as I tried to sit down and make the edits and that I ended up watching a lot of E.R. and then sneaking over to Dan’s flat to nap with him since he is on night shift. This was after I was a massive pain in the ass with him and extremely passive aggressive for the last couple of days. He told me to come over and tucked me into his side for a nap. Then we ate Chinese food and watched Top Gear  until it was time for him to go protect the Queen (yep. She is in this lovely city and he is on palace patrol tonight…hopefully it doesn’t rain tonight).

So now I sit on my couch trying to pretend that I don’t have a million and one things to still do complete my paper for next week and get back to feeling like the badass flamingo that I am. There is always tomorrow, right?

I didn’t even make it to the writing challenge for this week: my family. Tomorrow. As it is almost midnight, I will come back to that tomorrow.

The Scamp and Her Creative Writers

Posted on by erranteditor

I know that I spend a lot of my time complaining about the tutoring centre, but today was one of those days that I enjoyed my shift. The kids I work with in the evening are learning how to write stories, and tonight they learned about conflicts and resolutions. We worked as a group to create a story. Each child wrote one paragraph of the story. The kids had to write a conflict in one paragraph, and the next kid in the group had to write a resolution. All of the conflicts were selected after the kids rolled a die and found the matching number on a game board with a conflict that might happen in the rainforest. I’m not supposed to share this, but here is the story that my little darlings wrote.

*It is also important to note that at one point one of the kids was trying to give me the next resolution and he said, “then I shot myself with a cloning gun”, but what me, the centre director and another tutor heard was, “then I shit myself with a cloning gun”

Here is the story. The parts in red are the conflicts, and the parts in black are the resolutions.

The group set off from camp at first light, hoping to spot some of their favourite plants and animals. Sam stayed near the front of the group following the guide.

All of a sudden a spider drops from the tree and lands on Sam. The spider bites Sam on the cheek.

Then a parrot swoops down and steals the group’s map. Without the map the group are turned into a bunch of confused Tellietubbies with no brain. 

Super Kim comes down from the sky and drop-kicks the parrot. She then throws the map at Po’s face.

An endangered butterfly flies by and drinks all of the group’s water. A swarm of ants start crawling up their legs.

Super Kim jumps down from her favourite tree and throws water on the ants. Now that they are gone, the group keeps walking until they find a lovely waterfall. 

A spider monkey throws a banana and hits the guide in the head knocking him out. Now the group is lost in the rainforest. 

Super Kim eats the banana and becomes Kim Kong! Kim Kong is so big that she can see over the tops of the trees and guide the group back to camp.

Kim Kong picks up the guide and carries him back to camp. When they get there, the group all eats the magic bananas and go from Tellietubbies to Kongs! The End. 

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 23

Posted on by erranteditor

The challenge for this week is to wax poetic about my best quality.

Nothing comes to mind.

I guess I am really good at putting everyone’s needs above my own. I bend over backwards for others, do everything to make sure they are happy and have their needs met, even if it means that I have to be inconvenienced.

I’m good at being negative.

I am grouchy. I’ve been grouchy for the last few days. I have a lot of work to do. I have done nothing today. My flat is clean. That is about it.

I’ve been alone too long today. I’ve been wasting all the progress in therapy by letting autopilot take over and let all the negative thoughts come through.

I want someone to come give me a hug and some chocolate and sit with me until I feel better. I want my kitty.

So now, because I am being negative, I have been given an assignment with three basic questions that need to be answered.

  1. What are the last three nice things I’ve done for someone, why I did them, and how did they contribute to their lives?

              1. Yesterday one of the kids in the tutoring centre was having an epic meltdown. He                  is autistic, no more than 7 years old, and I’m not sure why, but yesterday was not                   his day. He started throwing things, knocking over chairs and trashcans, and                           kicking up a really good fuss. I’ve never seen the centre so when the AD was just                     getting frustrated trying to calm him down, I tried to see if I could get him calm. I                   got him to sit down, and for about 3 minutes he was okay. I got kicked a few times                  and then scolded by the AD for not helping the children who I was supposed to be                  tutoring, but for those three minutes, the poor little kid was calm in the middle of                  his storm.  I’m not sure that did anything to contribute to his life, but he seemed                   like he needed someone to talk to him calmly, someone to acknowledge that he                       was having a bad day and just needed some understanding.

          2. A week, maybe two weeks ago, I made some Powerpoints for my friend/colleague. I             did because I knew that he had a lot on his plate and he needed the help. I figured it               was easy for me to do, wouldn’t take me that long, and I was majorly procrastinating            on my own work. The workshop went off without a hitch, so I am assuming that I                    made his life a little bit easier. It also means that the next time he runs the workshop            he will already have the materials ready to go.

        3. I cancelled plans with the boy so that he could relax before his set of shifts. I was                  looking forward to dinner and a movie, but he mentioned he was tired and feeling                  cranky, so I asked if I could stop by for a cup of tea and some chat instead. I did it                   because I knew he had a rough set of shifts ahead, because he would be cranky if we               went out, and because I am a codependent doormat who wants to please everyone                  happy even if it means putting my needs second. I know that it was easier for him                  because he told me it was, and I really enjoyed the tea and the chat that we had.

2. What are three nice things that people have done for me lately? Why did they do them and how do they contribute to my life?

         1. My mom sent me a care package full of goodies that I miss from California. I got tortillas and peanut butter snacks and trial mix. She also included a card that told me she was proud of me and that she loved me. I know she did it because I have been having a rough go with my depression. It made me feel great, and now I have tortillas to make quesadillas with when I am sad. It is the little acknowledgement that she cares about me that is the nice part.

2. I got a Skype call yesterday after work. This is one of my best friends. She called me because she was feeling a bit blue, but she let me rant, be cranky, and never once told me that I was being silly or irrational. I got to listen to her, and by the end of the conversation both of us were feeling better. It was nice because it was acknowledgment that someone cared about me to check in, and someone thought of me when they wanted some comfort.

3. My friend/colleague/partner in hijinks let me invade is flat this week so that I could make margaritas and quesadillas to work on a paper. He also got approval for me to work with him on a project that finally allows me to do something in the office other than be the token PhD student. Maybe I might eventually get paid for doing the work. For now though, I am grateful for the chance to work on a fun project and do something useful.

3. What is something that I care about that I regularly contribute to.

      Ummmmmmm…….this one is a tough one. I think this blog is the one thing that I contribute to regularly. I make sure that at least once a week I sit down and write something. A lot of time the posts are meant to make me feel better. Last year I did the gratitude challenge to help with the dark and twisty, and a lot of the post for this challenge are also meant to remind me of the good things in my life. Usually by the time I finished writing I feel a lot better. Even when the posts are sad or mopey, usually I get a comment or a note from one of the readers saying something nice or sharing a similar experience. I enjoy that moment of connection with people I only know through writing.

Reflection: What is the strongest conclusion that I can objectively come to based on the answers that I provided.

I guess what I could say is that my best quality is probably that no matter what, I seem to be a magnet for really great people. My friends and family are pretty great, even when I get into one of the dark and twisty moods and only see the negatives. These are the people that send me care packages and cat videos, pay my bills so I can quit my job, and remind me that despite the best efforts of my brain, I am not a broken toy.

 

The Scamp Crosses One off the List

Posted on by erranteditor

Saturday I quit my job.

I’ve finally gotten to the point where I had enough. I’ve been miserable for months, but feel that I had to keep working there so I could pay my bills. With my depression as bad as it is lately, the only way I have a chance to get better is to get rid of the stress in my life.

That is one major stress that I cannot wait to get rid of. Unfortunately the centre requires 30 days notice. The end is in sight though.

In a perfect world they will tell me they don’t need me. In a perfect world I won’t have to work six hours and have to beg for a break.  June 25th cannot come soon enough.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 19

Posted on by erranteditor

The sun is out. The sun is out and I am outside writing while the boyfriend studies for his exam. I am in a dress. My legs are exposed and getting some much needed colour. I’ve taken the last few days off of really doing anything work related, partly because I am lazy, and partly because I am tired and needed the break. Eventually I will get along to doing some work, but for right now, I think that enjoying the sunshine is the most important thing I could be doing for my health.

And this. This bit of writing is good for me. If nothing else, I can say that I did do some writing today. This week the challenge is fun. It is dedicated to a dream that I just can’t give up on. I have a few dreams that I am not ready to give up on, and seeing how I am only 29, I still have loads of time to make them happen.

The first one is making a living traveling. I would love to b paid to write and travel. I cannot think of a better way to spend my days than going on adventures in new places, meeting new people and experiencing the world. I was having a chat on the bus ride home last night with one of the assistant managers of the tutoring centre. We got to talking about traveling and why we want to see the world, and it turns out we both really just like to learn as much as we can about the world by actually being a part of it and interacting with it. It is nice to meet people like this. One of the things I struggled with the most when I first returned to the States three years ago was that people did not really understand my need for adventure and my love of living overseas. Some people that I had been friends with for years just couldn’t understand why I wanted a life outside our little city. It was tough. I struggled a lot with my identity, and the expectations I thought I had to live up to by returning. Through therapy I was able to come to terms with my janky thinking, and really love this adventurous part of me. Now I can’t wait to ride an elephant in Bali, spit off the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and swim in the crystal clear water of the Maldives. I have this incredible thirst to go everywhere and see as much as I can, and I don’t see that dream dying anytime soon.

The other dream that I am not going to give up on is starting a literacy foundation that helps kids all over the world to read. I already know what I would call it (thanks Soon-Ah), and I know that Reading with Rover would be a thing (because seriously, who doesn’t want to read with a dog?). I have a degree to finish, and some student loan debt to pay off, but once I manage that, then I am seriously going to figure out what it would take to start helping kids love books as much as I do.

In other exciting news, I officially get to cross another thing off my list. Today marks the 3 month point of making my bed every day. It is a habit now, and not just something I am doing to cross off the list. I am hoping that because I was able to make this a habit, that things like a solid exercise  routine will now be easier to manage.

Here’s to hoping.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 17

Posted on by erranteditor

I know that it is technically the start of week 18, but I got a little lazy with the schedule, so I am catching up today.

Today when I spent a good portion of the day on my feet, feeling tired and resentful. I’ve been working with a girl who thinks she is the queen of the tutoring centre, and today she complained that her throat felt sore and she shouldn’t have to manage a group of kids. There were two other people in the centre: me, who has been dead on her feet for the past week, and another woman. Now, this woman just came back after suffering a devastating loss, a loss that she cannot tell anyone about…a loss that would have flattened me. She did not complain about being in the centre, did not complain about the work that we needed to do, and volunteered to work a zone and be with the kids. I took the kiddos so she didn’t have to, but she was more than willing. This was the second shift in a row that the first girl passed the work to everyone before even thinking of doing anything.

Off topic, but it made me really cranky, and much as I am trying to make myself better, as much as I am trying to break old habits, when I am cranky, I revert right back to the negative mindset I am most comfortable in.

Maybe a focus on this will help me. The task for week 17 is to write a letter to my teenage self. So here goes:

Dear Teenage Kim,

Believe it or not, you did not have a heart attack in your your teenage years. You actually make it to adulthood. For the most part you make pretty good life choices, but there a few things that you should know:

  1. Stop worrying about every little thing. The world is not going to end if you fail a class, or a test (in fact, you do that later in life, and nothing bad happens to you), and no one is going to think less of you.
  2. Take swimming seriously. You are going to slack off, but that is such a bad idea. You were in good shape, you weren’t horrible, and it is way better than trying to be a runner.
  3. The people you are friends with now, the ones you think you’ll be friends with forever, will not be your friends in ten years. If you really want to keep some of them, you are going to have to work really hard and be prepared to be disappointed, a lot.
  4. In fact, you are going to feel disappointed in people a lot, sometimes in the ones that matter the most, but mostly in the ones who don’t live up to your expectations.
  5. Also, you are going to have drop those expectations. No one, and very few things ever meet them. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you let that shit go.
  6. Go to therapy. You don’t go until almost a decade later, and trust me, you wasted a lot of time being depressed.
  7. Don’t worry about your virgin status. It will be worth it to wait, and even though you will make some bad choices, you don’t get pregnant, you aren’t gossip for anyone, and you’ve never had an STD. A lot of your friends cannot say the same.
  8. Don’t ignore your wanderlust. You turn down a year of studying abroad, a year of teaching English in another country because you are afraid that people will forget you, afraid of what will happen if you leave, but trust me, when you are travelling, you are alive and happy.
  9. You’ll be 26 before you are comfortable with yourself. It is a really long learning process, but take it as it comes
  10. You age like a fine wine. You are way better looking now that you wear more than jeans and a hoodie. Guys tell you that you are hot. They walk through restaurants in Spain to check you out. It is fun. Enjoy it.
  11. You will get hurt a lot when you are out of your teens. A lot. Devastatingly painful hurt that you are completely unprepared for. I can tell you that there are days you don’t get out of bed and you have no idea how you are going to keep going, but you do keep going, and in the end, that is all that matters.
  12. You eventually figure out how to let people past the snark and sarcasm. This leads to you crying. A lot. You also become a really ugly crier, so make sure that you bring tissues with you to meetings or other situations that you think might make you cry. Seriously. The amount of snot you produce is insane.
  13. Skip school once in awhile. No one will care that you never missed a day of school when you are 29.

Bad things are going to happen to you. Bad things that came from choices that you made as a teen. I wish I could tell you to make different choices, save you from the hurt. But it wouldn’t be right. You will learn a lot from some of that hurt, and it will lead you to some really good people and some really great experiences. When you are 25 you will make the best decision of your life. At 28, you will do it again. Trust those. Those choices will make you happier than anything else you’ve ever done (including flying…yes, you get to fly, and then you almost puke in front of a really cute guy….not you at your best) and even on the bad days (and there will be a lot of those, sorry), you will be happy, and genuine and be surrounded by people that understand you, people that actually like you for your weirdness and  your wanderlust, and that, teenage Kim, makes everything you will do from then to me worth it.

With sass and snark,

29 year old Kim

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 14

Posted on by erranteditor

Today I taught myself how to sew. Turns out, it really isn’t that hard.

Well, threading the needle was a bit of a challenge, but once I got my hands working properly, and all the knots in place, it was not the scary undertaking I thought it would be. half an hour and three buttons later, my jacket is wearable again.

I am counting today as a success.

The challenge for the week is to discuss something in my life that is stressful. It might as well have been a challenge for me to write about something that is not stressing me out. I’m so good with stress, that most of the time I don’t even realize that I am stressed. To be honest, the one thing that is stressing me out the most right now is my mental health. I’m not managing it well right now, and because of that, I am worried about everything from my relationship, my friendships, and my work. While I’ve been working with my depression for awhile, lately I have been having a hard time making the good stretches last.

This stresses me out because I know that I have a problem, but I can’t seem to come out on top of it. People are always telling me that happiness is a choice, and that I can wake up everyday and choose to be happy. Unfortunately for me, it just doesn’t work that way. I know that I have a good life, I know that ‘on paper’ I have no reason to be depressed, but I am all the same. What stresses me out is the never-ending cycle. I know what I need to do to be healthy, I know what I should avoid doing and saying, but lately, I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like I am writing about the dark and twisty every week, and feel like when I get a handle on it, I then fall back into my negative thoughts.

If I could put half the energy into my work that I do to the dark and twisty, I would have an amazing paper right now.

On the plus side, I have started my adventure to cross another thing off my list of 30 things to do before I turn 30. I have found a series of yoga classes that will help me with scorpion pose. I really wish that I had picked an easier pose. My neck and back hate me right now. I’m glad that I have a whole lot of time between now and my 30th birthday.

The Scamp Crosses One Off the List

Posted on by erranteditor

For my 29th birthday I made a list of 30 things I want to do before I turn 30. It includes everything from learning to drive here to cooking an exotic meal.

This week I got to cross one off the list. Number two on the list: Present at an academic conference has now been completed. I will be able to cross this one off the list for a second time in June (and fingers crossed a third time in December). I got to peddle my wares at the first annual School of Life, Sport, and Social Science Postgraduate Research Conference. I am the only educational pedagogic theorist in the school, and I like to toot my own horn over that. The conference was a chance to get my feet wet, and a chance to master the Pecha Kutcha style of presenting.

After a few weeks of stressing I was able to present my 20 slides with just 20 seconds a slide. I’m properly chuffed with myself about that. I was really stressing over the format, but by the time I stepped on the stage, I forgot about being nervous and just talked to the crowd for 6 minutes and 40 seconds. I was even asked some really great questions, and the programme leader for a programme I am working with emailed me to tell me that he enjoyed my talk. One of my supervisors was able to make it, and my desk mate and friend came to support me as well. I forgot to have him record it or take pictures, but all in all, I think the day was a success.

Not bad for knocking the first one off the list. I am in the process of doing a few more of these, so it is only a matter of time before I can cross some more off the list.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations