Sometimes I wrestle with my demons and sometimes we just cuddle.

Today I just wanted to cuddle with them. There was just enough rain to keep me from really wanting to go out and about for a walk, and I woke up with just enough of a headache to make any serious work on my dissertation impossible. I am going on a month of no response from my supervisor, and I am starting to get worried about how not worried I am about it. I have paperwork that needs to be signed, a plan that needs to be made, and books that need to be read.

I finally got an email from my supervisor….well, the email wasn’t to me per say, but at least I know she isn’t dead or ignoring me. Her email was addressed to all of the students she is supervising, and suggested that she wants to schedule a meeting with another group of students and their supervisor so we can have a repeat of the general info meetings that we have been having with the director of the program for the last month. I’m starting to worry that it is going to be a lot harder now to write my dissertation from home, and I’ve already bought the plane ticket and have started packing. I’m worried that I will not have access to materials, books, and help from my supervisor once I get home. I’m worried that this will be a trend for the next few months while I am trying to work on my paper.

Instead of driving myself crazy with worry over these things, I called my best friend in New York and caught up with her. We laughed, joked and distracted each other from the worries of that each of us has. I’m looking forward to being reunited and for some of the ridiculousness that will ensue when we are together.

Now I am going to hang out with the Pollock Halls cat, read an article on critical democratic power sharing in the classroom, and make a plan for what needs to get done for the weekend. Monday I will try to hunt down someone to sign my paperwork, and try again to get a concrete date set-up for a meeting with my elusive supervisor. I kind of feel like I am playing my own version of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego.

This round goes to Carmen, next round goes to me.

This is a very important moment for me. My original goal in this journey was to get 100 posts into the world, and with 18 days to spare, I have met that goal. While there are not nearly enough travel posts that involve being outside Scotland, I think I have been able to give a good look at my life for the past year and some change. Some of the posts are fun, some strange, and some just plain sad. I had thought to do a look back on some of my favorite posts, but I am not quite ready to look back at some of the things that I wrote about choices I made or things that have happened. Instead, I thought it might be appropriate to share some of the things that I have learned while living in the land of kilts and haggis.

I learned how to be a better communicator. I thought that an MA in rhetoric meant that I was good with words, but I learned that I kinda sucked at the communication thing. I learned a lot about language, a lot about culture, and a lot about personal interactions. All of these things will not only make me a better teacher, but also a better person on the whole.

I learned that I can survive dorm living. It was hard for me at first, and I really struggled to adjust to 17 and 18 year olds with no concept of rules, and no sense of decorum. After a rough start I learned how to stay detached from situations involving them, and to stay off of their harassment radar. The second half of the year has been pretty much stress free in terms of them. I learned how to deal with shit in the hallway, having to listen to a girl get Lazy Susaned, and the occasional dance club that happens in the room below me. I really found a sense of community here that I did not have when I was living alone in San Diego. There is always someone here to share a meal with, crack jokes at, and chat with when I am trying to procrastinate on assignments.

I learned that I can survive a walk in the rain. Some days the wind blows too hard to be able to use an umbrella and you get a little wet on the walk to school. Wellies are the best invention ever, and surviving those days made the sunny days here completely worth it. I didn’t even mind the cold. If my BFF is willing to learn to like the heat for me, then I can learn to appreciate the cold.

I learned that admitting I need help is not a weakness, but in fact, one of my new greatest strengths. I do not have to try and fix everything on my own, and just because I ask for help doesn’t mean I am weak, or that people will think less of me.

I learned that I am not defined by my illness. It may take me 10 pills a day to function, and I may always be tired, and on the really bad days I can’t hold a pen, but I am not my Lupus. I am Kimberly Diane Wilder, writer, reader, educator, lover of snark, sister, daughter, friend, adventurer, girl trying to find her place in life.

I learned that sometimes it is good to give into wanderlust. Giving into my need to travel and giving in to my need for adventure has led me here, and this is, by far, the best choice I have ever made in my life. That need led me here, but is now taking me home for a different kind of adventure.

I learned that I am not defined by the life paths of the people around me. It doesn’t matter if they get married, have babies, or spend their days living off their parents and partying. Not all of those things interest me at the moment, and not all of them are getting to do the things that I get to do. All of this is not only normal, but perfectly okay. I cannot let people on different life paths make me feel like what I am doing is not just as important.

I learned that I will not spontaneously combust if I fail a class. Yep…I failed a class. I am still here though, so I guess the world doesn’t end like I previously thought it would.

I learned how to let things go. I used to hold grudges, hold on to resentment, and try to plan my life down to the very minute. I was always stressed, angry and on edge. There will always be things that I worry about like money, a job, my health, my mom’s health, but, I no longer feel the need to let these control and dictate my life. The future is not set in stone, and trying to plan out every minute and every detail will only hurt me when things don’t turn out the way I planned. So far, I have been a lot less stressed thanks to that one. I can now trust in the process and trust that in the end, everything will work out exactly the way it should, and I will always end up exactly where I need to be.

I learned that I do not need to run from my problems. I now see that I am strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at me. During heartstompapoolza, I was ready to throw in the towel and move home. I was ready to give up everything and hide in my parents’ house. When I was having girl drama in Merced, I wanted to come home, and when I got really sick in San Diego, I went as far to apply to CSUF so that I could run home. This time I am not going to run. I am going to go home and finish my degree and then figure out how to establish my career. Most importantly, I am going to go to San Diego with Kelly when I get home and see my favorite band play. Fuck David and what San Diego was supposed to mean to me. I’m not missing the show just because he lives somewhere in the city.

I learned that I have value. The amount of support, love, letter, hangouts, and kind words I got when I let people know that I was struggling was the most amazing thing ever. I never realized how much I affected others, or how much they were willing to do for me when I needed some help.

I learned how to feel at home. For the last 8 years I have been on the move, always getting restless, always moving, always looking for the next stage of my adventure. Scotland is the first place that I have really felt at home. I have been all over this little piece of paradise, and despite the lack of sun, I do not want to leave. It is not that I am dreading going home to California, but I am dreading having to leave the first place that has actually felt like home. I look at my trip back to California as a three year stint before I come back here, or go to a new country. I no longer feel the pull to back to California that I once felt. I need my family, and I don’t like that being here means I cannot always see them or talk to them, but I have been completely independent here, and learned how to do things without a safety net, and I have to say, I kinda like it.

The most important thing that I learned here is that I am no longer a broken toy. A misfit toy, yes, but who isn’t a bit of a misfit? I got sick, but so far it hasn’t stopped me from doing anything, I failed a class, but didn’t die, got harassed by 18 year olds, but learned to ignore them and coexist, got robbed, but rebuilt what was lost, got deferred, but fought for my spot in the PhD program, got cheated on and lied to by the person I thought was the love of my life, but finally realized that that was not my fault, and had nothing to do with my value, and everything to do with him being broken.

All in all, I think I learned how to be a better person. I am going back to California as a much more mature and self aware person. I officially bought my plane ticket today, and now I have a very clear end date. That being said, I have decided that I will continue the blog when I get home. If Scotland feels like home now, then going back to California will in a sense be like going abroad, and thus this blog will still be relevant.

Thank you to my wonderful readers and followers for sticking with me for 100 posts. I look forward to the next 100.

 

Truth be told, my head is so fuzzy thanks to all of the cold meds I am guzzling that I can’t really think straight. I have that hazy disconnected feeling that usually keeps me from taking meds in the first place. Somewhere in that hazy feeling, I thought it would be a good idea to do yoga….not a good idea. While trying to keep myself balanced, I decided that I need to set a new goal to keep myself motivated for the summer. I have decided that my goal is to be able to do this:

 

I’m hoping that by the time I am able to do this I will also have found those pants….possibly in red. I’ve been doing yoga for about 7 years now, but not nearly as seriously as I would like to, and not on the level it would take to do something like this. This will give me something to shoot for.

Of course, that could just be the drugs talking…..

On the upside, I finally submitted the last of my graded assignments today. I have officially finished the taught phase of my degree and am now free to work on my thesis. I’ve already started doing some of the research, and am having a lot of fun revisiting my good friends Ira Shor, Paulo Freire and Norman Fairclough.  Tomorrow me and my pal James Paul Gee will investigate the language of power, and how that applies to kids when they are learning about culture…..that is of course until I get distractted by animal videos on  youtube, or the meds somehow fry my brain to the point where I decide to give up on my idea of looking how cultural portrayals and stereotypes in contemporary children’s literature.

That is still a very large possibility.

The next post will be my 100th. I will have made it to my original goal. I guess I better make it count.

I jinxed myself today by talking about this, but it can’t get any worse, so why not share it again?

My seven readers know that I got robbed on Christmas and lost my computer and a bunch of other things. The rebuilding process was tough, it hurt my relationship, and the police report that we filed was more of a formality for insurance than anything else. The case closed quickly, and I set about moving on and trying to piece together the things that I lost. I had changed all of my passwords and made it so whoever had taken my computer couldn’t get to anything of value.

The problem is there is one program that I can’t seem to disconnect from the old computer. For some reason, even after changing my password on Dropbox, it is still connected to my old computer. Every so often now, when I turn on my computer, my Dropbox files update with pictures from the girl that now has my poor computer. There are several problems with this, mainly that I have to be reminded that my computer is out there in the world being tortured, and there is nothing I can do to save it. The girl is  hardcore chola looking with thick penciled eyebrows, dark lip liner, and painted on mole who thinks she is an amateur porn star. The pictures that get uploaded are various poses of her in front of her mirror with her saggy boobs and fat rolls hanging out. She is gross to say the least. I hate that I have to look at the pictures every time they get uploaded so that I can delete them, and the first few times it happened, I wished I could turn the pictures over to the police so they could track down my computer. Now I just wish I could get it to stop updating with her nastiness. It might be time to start a new Dropbox account and transfer everything off of the one I seem to be sharing now.

I’m still sidelined by a bad cold, so to make myself feel better, I am going to post one of my favorite videos.

Tomorrow it is back to work getting paperwork signed, tracking down my supervisor, and starting the process of packing my stuff and shipping it home.

For the last few days I have been feeling icky. I’m supposed to be at a birthday party right now, but thanks to a fever, and a very sore throat, I am laying in bed feeling like death. Luckily, the fever did not stop me from finishing my last paper. I’m happy to be done with it. Now I can start on the research for my dissertation, and I can squeeze in some last minute travels before my return to the states.

Since I am sidelined, I have been thinking about all of the strange things that happened this week. On Monday we got a note from the useless warden that the common room was now going to be closed because of the mess made and the paint (yes paint) that was all over the place. Come to find out that when the little future leaders all came back from spring holiday, they had a Smurf party and painted themselves blue before they went out on the town. The paint that was everywhere came from them touching walls, sitting on things, and basically being hot drunk messes. The thing is, since the paint washed out, I can’t even be mad at them. I just wish that I could see some of the pictures from that night.  Seeing them all painted and sloppy drunk would have been good for a laugh.

The next strange occurrence this week was taking the lift up with the number one trouble maker here. I wrote about him in the last tales of the strange. He is the guy that thinks dead rats smell like cheese. He is also the guy who got a tattoo on his ass of the school crest because he lost a bet. I usually try to avoid him, and had decided that the next time I was with him I was going to make a snide comment about smelling cheese. Unfortunately I forgot all about that when getting in the lift with him. He was super polite, pushing the button for my floor, and then surprised me by talking to me about the crap weather we were having. He was so polite and normal. I was shocked. So shocked that I didn’t even want to be rude to him.

Third strange picture for the week was the ever charming guy who I used to live next to. He was the one who dropped his towel one day and shared his bare white ass with me, and spent the first month trying to get into the wrong room. Tonight, he came down to the lobby in a suit, and a tiny glittery top hat. I’m not sure how he got it to stay on his head, but the purple hat with all of the little sparkles looked very out of place on his head. I really hope he is on his way to a themed party because he would make an ugly girl, and an awkward looking drag queen.

Part of me is sad that the fever is keeping me in tonight because I have a feeling there are a lot more fun things to see in the city tonight.