The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp Healing

Posted on April 1, 2013 by erranteditor

I was lucky enough to be able to Skype with my mom yesterday. I talked to her for almost an hour with bunny ears on (it was Easter after all). She made the comment at the end of the conversation that I looked great. I thought that was funny considering that I was wearing a sweatshirt, trackies and my hair had not been washed or brushed in well over 24 hours. I’m not even sure I had brushed my teeth at that point in the day. Her comment made me feel good. Our conversation didn’t involve tears, didn’t involve me stressing about David, but instead revolved around all of the things that I have planned for her visit next week. To be honest, it is the most relaxed and best I have felt in months.

I owe most of this change to the my friends and family. The amount of support, check-ins, food and funny cat pictures have reminded me that things suck in the moment, but that doesn’t mean I am a broken toy or unlovable. They have reminded me that it is okay to be sad, okay to be angry, and okay to feel like I got emotionally hit by a car. The guys and gals here have been keeping me busy which really helps me from going to the dark and twisty places in my mind.

One of the best surprises, and one of the strongest motivations to make myself a better person is the unexpected ways I seem to help others. One of my favorite people here recently shared her blog with me. One of the entries was from my birthday. She made my blog into a book and seemed shocked that I could see so much value in something that she saw as effortless to make. She wrote that she felt she had connected with me the most since she had been in Scotland because I understood writing down my emotions, and understood the importance of words. I was honored enough that she felt comfortable enough to share her blog with me, but then to read that she felt connected to me through my blog and my openness really made me feel good about myself. When I was younger (heck even until a few months ago) I had a good sense of self, and good self esteem. For some reason I let David take that from me. Seeing these little reminders that the person I thought I was is still there is really nice.

I’d like to say that the rest of the change is coming from me, but the truth is, the rest of the healing process is coming from the help of a professional. That is a hard thing to admit, and something I am not proud of, but I have come to realize that I need help with coping, and want to make myself a better friend, daughter, sister, and eventually one day, a better girlfriend or wife. Her methods are unconventional (she loves to draw diagrams on a whiteboard and have me read books with titles like It’s Called a BreakUp Because it is Broken), but she is really helping me undo 26 years of bad habits. I figure much the way people go to physical therapy to learn how to retrain their muscles, I can go to CBT to retrain my brain.

I’m not fixed yet though. Despite everything that has happened, I still love David. I still wonder if there is a chance to have the future we planned, still wonder if he will contact me again. I know with time those will fade. One thing I have learned from the crazy books I’ve been reading is that our relationship was never going to work. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in such a serious relationship, and may not even have the capacity to love at all. I on the other hand, like to feel emotional connections, and like to know that I am loved and like to have the people around me know I love them (I know a lot of that revolves around a lot of sarcasm, bad jokes, and cat videos, but it is there, trust me).

I still have some fears though. I worry about jobs, what my social circle will be like when I move home, and how well I will adjust to living at home again. Luckily I am also learning how to tackle some of those fears and not let them drive me crazy.

David sent me this song a couple of weeks ago because he thought I would like it. I had heard it several times on the radio here, and think it is an appropriate song for the moment.

A Scamp and Positive Thoughts

Posted on March 31, 2013 by erranteditor

People have been sending a lot of these my way, and I am happy to say that they are working. I’m feeling a lot better than I was last week. It is time that I put some of that back into the world and back into my lovely support team.

http://theberry.com/2013/03/31/sending-positive-thoughts-your-way-27-photos/

A Scamp in the Twilight Zone

Posted on March 29, 2013 by erranteditor

I woke up today feeling a little under the weather. It has been a bit cold lately, and this has been a long week, and I think it all caught up with me.

Last night I was able to experience Chinese food in Scotland. Since yesterday was the last day of classes for everyone, the girls and I decided that we would go out and celebrate. I enjoyed the evening for several reasons: the night off from dorm food was a definite plus, but the best part of the night was being able to spend the evening talking and laughing with (almost) all the girls that I started this program with. This is the longest amount of time that I have spent in the company of mostly girls, and I have to say that I really enjoyed it. There was no drama, no cattiness, just laughter, learning and general ridiculousness. It is sad to think that this might be the last time that all of us will be together, and that this is the start of the end of my journey. In about 2 months I will be back in the U.S. I’m already figuring out when I can meet up with the girls for a reunion, and working my power of words to get them to come visit me in California.

Back to today though. I had an appointment that was forcing me out of bed before noon, and when I stumbled out of bed this morning, I heard my favorite neighbors talking in the hall. When I went out to say hi, they informed me that I should avoid the stairwell today because at some point last night, one of the charming undergrads decided that the stairwell was his bathroom. Last semester they pissed in the elevator, but this, this is just disgusting. I thought everything had settled down since last semester, but maybe I just have just been too busy to notice?

Either way, I am hoping that many of them go away for the two weeks they get off before exams, and that I can motivate myself enough to go to the library where no one thinks to shit in the stairwell.

A Scamp Completes Her Coursework

Posted on March 27, 2013 by erranteditor

Today was my last class at the University of Edinburgh. I would say that it is my class ever, but I won’t know that until next week. The exciting part of this is it marks a new phase in my journey. I will no longer be categorizing these posts as “school days”. They will now need a new classification (I’ll decide on that tomorrow).

The mighty group of Research Methods III students. The last class of my career here.

Now that I am moving into the research and study phase of the program, I am also entering the research and study phase of my recovery process. Now that I know how much love and support I have from the outside (and let me tell you, I cannot ever begin to thank all of you for the kind words, the jokes and the offers to take care of my problem. All I can say is that I will always be here for you guys, whether it is as an ear, or if you need a laugh, or need a paper edited and I hope that one day I will be able to help you guys as you have helped me) it is time for me to get shit straight on the inside. This is something I am going to do on my own, and that part of my journey will probably remain private.

On a complete side note: Today was a post offer tour day for the campus. Anyone who received an offer for next semester could come and get a tour of the campus. I enjoyed seeing all the fresh faced youngsters checking out the campus and seeing what the city has to offer. Even with the few interesting classes and lecturers that I have encountered here, I hope that those little doe eyed babies find the same joy in the school that I did.

The Scamp’s Intent

Posted on March 26, 2013 by erranteditor

In the last couple of days my choice to publicize my break-up on my blog has come under attack. There are those who have felt the need to contact me and tell me I am publicly shaming David and how dare I do that. I was told I should grieve in private. I was made to feel like I am a bad person for the choices that I have made. There was no respect for my process, or my feelings.

None of that was my intent. I am not trying to make David seem like the bad guy. I am by no means saying that I was an angel in the relationship and that my actions, words and the like in no way contributed to this falling apart. All I am doing is telling the truth. The good, the bad, and the messy. When I started this blog a year ago, it was with the expressed intent to chronicle my life here and everything that happens. I was making the choice to become an open book. I’ve written about my stress over money, how horribly I handled living near the undergrads, how scared I am of the future, and I told the world that I was suffering from depression. I’ve admitted mistakes, admitted defeat, and I think, given my readers a glimpse of me in my truest form. When I wrote about what happened, I was not publicly shaming David, I was publicly shaming myself. I admitted to the world that even after I heard that, I was willing to try and work it out. I was admitting to the world that I got so wrapped up in him being my happiness that I now feel worthless and empty. If anything, I am showing people that the constructed image most people have of me as a tough, strong girl who can handle anything goes out the window when it came to the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

What I don’t like is that I actually was upset and felt guilty about my choices and what I was doing with this blog. I’m choosing to make my grief public because this is where my support system is. The responses I have gotten from people are what helps remind me that I am not empty, or horrible, or the monster that I am being painted as in some camps. This helps me cope. I also like to think it helps others. So many people from all areas of my life have reached out to me, and shown me the value in my words.

My mother sent me a card that says, “Sometimes the prettiest flowers grow from the biggest pile of shit”

I shared my pile of shit so that everyone I love and value, and that love and value me can watch and be a part of the flowers that grow.

That said, if you have a problem with what I write, don’t read my blog…..duh.

A Scamp and a Rat

Posted on March 25, 2013 by erranteditor

This is a story I heard today and felt the need to share.

We have some really great housekeepers here that clean our rooms and the bathrooms. The two on my floor are super amazing women who love to chat and like to look after us. They also have the lovely task of cleaning the third floor, and hear all of the good gossip that goes on with the undergrads. Today she told us that one of the knuckleheads stopped her one day convinced that there was a dead rat somewhere near. When asked how he knew this, he answered, “I can smell cheese.” He was convinced that dead rats smell like rotting cheese, and because he could smell cheese, there had to be a dead rat somewhere. He didn’t understand why the housekeeper laughed so hard, now he has become a really good joke among the cleaners. I hope that I ride the elevator with him soon so I can make a comment about it smelling like cheese.

Seriously….I can’t make this up. I wish I could write a book about all the stories these women hear and all the things they see while working. It would be enough to entertain people all over the world.

A Scamp at the End

Posted on March 24, 2013 by erranteditor

Wednesday is my last official class of my program here at the University of Edinburgh. I can’t believe it. A year ago I made this blog public so that my world could be part of my adventure. Now this adventure is coming to an end. It hasn’t always been glamorous, but it has taught me a lot about myself. This adventure has showed me that I can handle being on my own, and I can survive pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I will always be grateful that I was able to do this.

School is not the only thing that came to an end this week. My relationship with the boy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with also ended. I suppose I was the only one who didn’t see this coming. I have been driving myself crazy trying to fight for him and trying to fight for our future. He let me do this, let me blame myself and think I was alone in this. Turns out he has been dating someone since my birthday and slept with her because he was mad at me. He didn’t want this to be put into the blog, didn’t want this part of the adventure to made public, but it sickens me how hard I fought when he had already given up. Even after he told me he said he loved me and saw a future with me and wanted to make things work. The thing that makes me sick to my stomach is that I considered it. I thought we could work it out and work toward a future together. I spent the last year building and planning with him in mind. I let him become my happiness and I let him make me think that I don’t deserve better. I feel so stupid for falling in love with someone like this. I feel so stupid for thinking that he was going to be part of my future. I know that I will never get an apology and people around him will continue to think he is a great guy, but I wanted people to know the truth. Part of sharing my adventure is sharing the messy bits.

Now I have three assignments and a schedule for my dissertation to settle before I can come home and really start to heal. I have no idea what my future holds now, but now I get to figure it out what will make me happy.

A Scamp and Her Other Favorite Brother

Posted on March 22, 2013 by erranteditor

Today the roll of birthday’s continues. Today my brother-in-law celebrates his day of birth. He has only been our lives for a short time, but it feels like he has always been there. He is totally comfortable with the Wilder-Davis weirdness and has been a really great ear and virtual shoulder for me to cry on these last few months. He checks in with me all the time, offers to mail me one of his kids, and has even offered to come and get me when my time here comes to an end. He owes me nothing, yet he gives me everything. That’s just the way he lives his life. He is like that with everyone, and doesn’t think twice about it.

Here are some of my favorite moments with Mondo:

Kelly and the Mondizzle married in June of 2011. He let Kelly plan the wedding that she wanted and never told her no…they even had a Disney cake!

He is the master of the photobomb (It is clear that David still has a lot to learn about how photos are taken in the Wilder-Davis household)

He gets along with Matt way too well.

He stops at nothing to make Kelly happy.

He gives up a day off to help make sure this little guy is taken care of. (I think he likes the male company in the house though to be honest)

He lets me try out ridiculous recipes and he likes to make sure I have home cooked meals when I am around. He has become an expert at latkes.

Basically, he is one of the best people that I have the pleasure to know. I love him, and I can’t wait to go home and hang out with him again.

A Scamp and Her Favorite Matt

Posted on March 21, 2013 by erranteditor

Today is my brother’s 28th birthday. He is by far, one of my favorite people on the planet. We weren’t really friends until I turned 18 and moved away, but we have been pretty good pals ever since. He has introduced me to some great books, some amazing podcasts, and some fantastic ways to waste hours on the internet. He makes me laugh, and at some point in life he became really good at giving advice. He’s helped me out a lot the last few weeks….and just because he offers to make me brownies that will cheer me up.

The Matt, in his natural habitat.

This is the best picture of us ever.

Seeing him get a bow tie around his neck was priceless.

He loves hawking. He made this friend in Ireland.

In honor of his birthday, I will share some of his favorite things with you.

I imagine at some point today Matt will listen to this song while drinking Jack Daniels and being ridiculous.

hopefully his night ends like this one did. This was a good night for him.

Since I know that he is working today, I imagine that he will go through his usual cycle of podcasts. One of the firsts ones he made me listen to was Joe Rogan. That is where I learned of the magic that is Bert Kreischer. The following video is one of the best stories ever told.

Matt also introduced me to Joey Diaz. Now, Joey is not for everyone. The following video is very crude, drops a lot of f bombs, and is not suitable for the younger members of this audience, but it deserves to be shared.

I hope that however he decides to spend his birthday that he enjoys it, and knows how much we all enjoy him.

Happy birthday asshole.

A Scamp Feels the Love

Posted on March 20, 2013 by erranteditor

As many of you know, about a month ago I admitted that I was struggling and needed some help. To be honest, I felt rather stupid doing it, and was worried that people would think I was weak. I have always prided myself on being a strong independent person, and always thought I could tackle anything that came my way on my own.

The response I got though has blown me away. My best friends here take me out, keep me busy and make sure that even though I don’t want to, I eat. My friends at home have sent me care packages and cards, and many of them text or email me to check in and make sure that no first years have died by my hand (more than one of them has joked that I need to stay on the straight and narrow because they do not want to have to come bail me out of jail). Today I got a care package full of little things that made me smile with a note from one of my oldest friends telling me she will always be there if I need her. It made me feel good, and reminded me that I do have value. Most importantly my family has been amazing. They have let me cry to them, they let me vent my frustrations, and they remind me that despite my best efforts to convince them otherwise, my world has not stopped turning just because I am going through a rough patch with someone I love.

My recovery has barely begun, but thanks to the amount of love and support I have gotten (and a really great Scottish woman with Hipster glasses and a nose ring), I feel like I am ready to tackle it one day at a time. If all goes according to plan, I have about 67 days left in Scotland. I have a lot to do in that time, papers to write, towns and islands to see, people to visit with, and I know that all of that will aid in my recovery. I will start tackling my future one day at a time and hopefully get it back to the path I want it to be on. In the meantime, I say a big thank you and an even bigger I love you to all of the wonderful people I am surrounded by and remind myself: