I’ve long sense come to the conclusion that I will never again go to an easy doctor’s appointment (unless of course it is for somebody else). I get poked and prodded, lose a liter of blood, and always thank sweet baby Jesus that there are no cameras in the bathroom while I am trying to pee in a cup. For the last four years, this has been my constant. I have a progressive disease, but I also have the best doctor in California, so if he thinks it needs to be done to keep me in my best shape, then I cannot really complain. The problems come when I have to change a medication, or when I have a new complication or pain that needs to be addressed.

I’ve been really lucky living here. Other than the bouts of fatigue, I have not had any serious setbacks or complications with my health. The doctors here are not nearly as good as Dr. Fab (yep, that is his name…well, it is Fabricant, but everyone calls him Fab), but they have been pretty good about getting me the medication I need. That was a fun process because a lot of the brands I was taking at home are not available here. That was sorted easily enough, and after the initial appointment, none of the doctors that I saw ever questioned what I was taking.

Today I got the doctor that asks all the questions. She informed me that one of the medications that I was taking should not be given to people with Lupus. I have a high risk of blood clots on my own, but the risk quadruples  on the drug. Now, I have been taking it since 2009, and have yet to have any problems. Not one. I tried to explain this to the doctor, and I pointed out that for the last 7 months the doctors here have been prescribing it to me without worry. She gave a speech about good medical practice and some other stuff that I didn’t listen to, but at the end, she told me she was not going to authorize the prescription, and then she put a note in my file about it so the other doctors that I could have seen would know that I was now blacklisted.

I will not be able to visit any doctor in the area to get the pills…road trip anyone? (I realize this makes me sound like a drug addict, and I promise I am not, but I don’t really like that I’ve seen 9 doctors since I was here and 8 of them were fine with my risk of blood clots).

I do have to appreciate the concern though. The only way that I found out about the Lupus was taking a pill that reacted with it my senior year of college. That was the year my kidneys stopped working, I lost 30 lbs, and was an all around sick lady. I really don’t need a repeat of that.

The only small victory that I got was being able to sweet talk her into filling three months worth of everything else. That buys me some time to figure out how to get insurance once I am back in California.

In the meantime, if someone wants to build me a new immune system that doesn’t want to eat itself, I would be forever in your debt.

You know you are getting old when your friends are having babies on purpose. It has been exactly one month since heartstomppedapoloza, and in that time 3 of my friends have announced they are pregnant or had a baby, and 7 of them have gotten engaged or married. My Facebook is constantly reminding me that I am not anywhere near that life path. I have been in a constant state of compare and despair, which is seriously harshing my mellow in the land of whiskey and kilts. A few months ago I was on that life path. A few months ago I had my future figured out. Now I have to go down a new path, and that is scary.

The other thing that I am having a problem with is the idea of moving home. It has been about 8 years since I have lived in Brea full time. The moving back to Brea part is not so bad, but the idea of moving back into my parent’s house has me feeling like a loser. Part of growing up is moving out of your parent’s house and living on your own with a job and your own bills to pay. Up until now, that was how I was living. I had my own apartment, my own income, and a sense of independence. I didn’t have to worry about waking anyone up if I stumbled in late at night (not that I ever did that mom), didn’t have to worry about offending anyone with pantsless Wednesday, and didn’t have to worry about feeling guilty if I went to work and my books, papers, and other assorted things were left all over the place.

I’m also a bit worried about the social aspect of returning home. Most of my friends are spread out over the US (and now Europe), and I worry that I will get stuck in a work, school, home pattern of despair. The PhD cohort will be people who are older than me and at very different places in their careers and lives, so I don’t know how many friends I will make. School has always been where I make my friends, so now I am unsure how I will make friends out in the real world.

The thing is, all this compare and despair is starting to cloud my view of coming home. When I think about going home, I get a little nervous and panicky. That should not be how I feel. So, for the next 24 days I am going to work on changing my views. I am going to see past all of the negative thoughts I have formed and focus on what is important. I’m going to focus on the fact that Facebook is not even close to reality, and that just because people around me are getting married and popping out tiny humans, doesn’t mean I need to. I am in no place to take care of a child…in fact, the closest thing to a tiny human that I want right now is a puppy.

I’m also going to look past my idea of being a boomarang baby. It is not like I am moving home to sit on my couch all day and watch reality TV. In fact, my parents are nice enough to let me come home and live rent free so that any money I make from the job (that I hope I get) can go towards paying off my loan from here. I don’t have to stress about trying to find a place to live that I can afford, and worry about only eating pb & j for the next five years while I try to manage all of my bills. I feel extremely lucky that I have parents that are willing to let me come home and take over their space again so that I can get my work done. The next three years are going to be intense, and having my support system on hand is going to be a huge help. Plus, living at home comes with a pool, so I can workout and tan in comfort.

The social aspect is the only thing I still need to work out. I think I will look into a yoga class, or some sort of thing like that that can get me out and about, and as more than one person has felt the need to point out to me, there is always internet dating.

…..yeah, like that will ever happen.

 

 

Today was not a day of work for me. It should have been, but because I finished my last paper yesterday, instead of fixing it and making sure it was ready (or working on my thesis proposal) I laid in bed and read a book all day. Truth is, I’m tired. I’m too tired to want to write or think, or do anything more than just lay in my bed. The cat made his way into my room today, and I played with him, let him sleep, and kept his belly full of tuna. He is currently sitting on my chair, mocking me by dragging his tail across the books I should be reading.

I’m glad he is here though. I think he knew that I needed a bit of a cuddle. Last night my subconscious decided to kick me in the face by giving me a night full of dreams about David. When I woke up this morning, I had the terrible urge to delete any post from this last year that had him in it. I wanted to edit out the parts where I gushed about how much I loved him, and how torn I was about leaving him. I wanted to get rid of the post where I was beating myself up thinking I had ruined our future while he was at home sleeping with other girls. I wanted to edit him out of my life. I still want to edit him out of my life.

I realized though that I can’t change the past. At the time, I thought he was worth it, and I thought I was in love….a forever kind of love. If it hadn’t been for him, I would not have spent the last few months working so hard to make myself a better and stronger person. If he hadn’t told me I drove him to do what he did, I would have never taken a good long look at myself and figured out what I could work on to make myself happy, and make myself a better person to be around. I’m not giving him the credit for the new and better me that I am creating, but walking away from him gave me the courage to do it. If I erased him from these posts, then I would be erasing all of the work I have been doing for the last year. My journey was about more than just the pursuit of another degree, and like it or not, he was a part of that,

One of the blogs that I read regularly just made posted its 588th post. He made the comment on his that he wishes there were quite a few posts he could go back and edit, but that each post got him to where is he now. He said that he rarely, if ever, goes back to read any of the previous posts, but he knows that he has some followers (mainly family) that will go back through and read some of his earlier work. I’d like to think that sometimes my seven readers click through and read the older posts, and that sometimes someone random from the world of blogging stumbles across my blog, and if they do, I guess it is only fair that they get the complete picture.

I’m not sure if I will ever go back through and read any of the earlier posts, but for now, I will leave them untouched in all of their emotional, messy, and sometimes funny glory.

I’ve been lazy. No, lazy is not the right word. Lately I have not been in the mood to write. I’ve been working nonstop for the last week on final assignments that writing anything else has just not been possible. My brain just wants to focus on bad reality TV and mystery/thriller stories. In all of my running around this week though, I was able to finally turn in all the paperwork necessary to prove that I am in fact a California resident, and for the moment, I have nothing else to do for the PhD. but find some scholarships to pay for it.

In addition to being a very busy work week, this was Jade’s last week in Scotland. Tomorrow morning she will return to Texas to do some more in-depth research to put together her proposal. She’s been packed and ready to go all week, and we were able to have a nice dinner with all of the boys and hang out in my favorite pub and listen to the karaoke stylings of Edinburgh. She got up and sang some songs, got to see everyone one more time.

I’m glad that Jade gets to go home to her family, sunshine and home cooked meals, but I will miss her. She has been an amazing friend to me while I was trying to sort out the mess with David, and if it wasn’t for her, I would not have met any of the boys. Missing out on my BFF would have been a real tragedy. She is the reason I was able to move at the start of this semester, and the reason why I have had only one interrupted night of sleep here. I don’t have to deal with the undergrads and have not been stressed about them, and I know that is because Jade was able to make my move possible. We’ve had a lot of good times watching movies, complaining about dorm food, and exploring Scotland and Ireland.

I wish her luck, success, and easy research and know that my time in Scotland would not have been nearly as much fun without her. She occasionally writes down her thoughts, so should my 7 loyal readers be interested, you can find her here : http://mjadez.wordpress.com/

 

This is the first of the goodbyes, and means that I have less than a month here….something that I am not ready to think about yet.

 

I now only have 30 days left in Scotland. A few months ago I was counting down the days until I was back in California, and now, despite the fact that I am returning to sunshine and flip flops, I find myself reluctant to return. In truth, this is the first place that I have lived in the last five years that I am sad to leave. I really feel like this is my home now, and this is the place that I would like to settle down in. Even on my worst days with the undergrads, that did not taint my view of the city. This is the place where I nursed my broken heart, where I met some amazing people, and where I learned how to be a proper adult. I look at the PhD program as a three stay in California before I return here. I talked about this with my mom while she was here, and so far she seems to be okay with it.

I have no idea what will happen in the next few years, and no idea if I will actually return to Scotland to settle down. Right now though, it seems like a really good idea. Dr. Scamp could make a killing selling her wisdom here. Scottish people love me.

I have spent the last two days laying in bed, and have done very little in the way of exploring, adventures, and even work. I can talk a very good game about being productive and wanting to get work done, but my practice of doing it so far has not gone so well. My bed is suddenly so comfy, the sun and the breeze suddenly so inviting, and evaluating my lesson plan on cultural stereotypes no longer seems to be that interesting.

Since I have nothing all that exciting to share, I thought this post could be dedicated to the Rubber Pirate Chicken.

Chicken was born on June 3, 2011. My mom had fallen at work and scraped her knee, and because of her poor weakened immune system, her knee got infected pretty badly. I took her to the hospital and joked with all of the doctors we encountered that night that her pirate look would be complete if they just went ahead and cut off her leg so that she could get a peg leg. I text Kelly and told her mom would be peg legging it down the aisle with her, and told my mom she really would make the best pirate ever now. She was a really good sport about it, and after the lovely ER visit, we went to the CVS across the street to pick up all of the prescriptions that would clear up the infection. While wandering around the CVS at 2 in the morning, we found all sorts of goodies, including a 5 lb bag of gummy worms, and the Rubber Pirate Chicken.

He has been part of our family ever since. He went to the wedding rehearsal.  He lived in San Diego with me for three years, holding court over the TV I rarely used. He then started my journey here with me, but was mailed home a couple of months ago (You want people to think you are strange?  Go to a post office in Scotland and tell them you are sending a rubber chicken to the States). He wandered around La Habra for awhile before making his way back to Scotland. He has been all over Scotland, and his next adventure will be taking him to England where he will see Stonehenge, Bath and London.

Here are some of Chicken’s best moments so far.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chicken did not enjoy the haggis